Don't know how to approach this other mum??? advice please.

[genieinabottle]

Hi, there are 3 reception classes in DS's school.
And there is a little boy who has AS in one of the other class.
I really would like to speak to his mum but since our dc are not in same class , they have a different door to go into school so can't just happen to be chatting to her while waiting.

I see she never talks to anyone. I talk to one mum but usually keep myself to myself.
How could i approach her?? What do i say?? I can't say hello i'm N and both our boys have ASD... i'm also quite shy in RL.
since she lives near by (i gather that 'coz they walk to school) i though it'd be great if i could get to know her.

Thanks for any advice.

Could you say Hi and invite her for a coffee at yours on the way home from school in the morning, say your trying to meet more local Mums?

Ask her if she knows of any support groups for AS families.

Can i ask how you know that he has AS. I ask because my SIL has 2 sons that are so obviously on the spectrum - but she is in complete denial. Maybe an approach asking if she is walking back home the same way - without mentioning DS - then the how is he finding the new school type questions until she may or may not raise the AS.

It's ahrd isn;t it? There's another Mum at school with 2 asd sons, and we smile, but we've never spoken.

We know each otehr are there but we've never in any way come naturally into contact so....

Difficult one. I can completely relate to the shy thing. I think it's a good point that auntevil has made. You certainly don't want to be offending anyone. Are you wanting to get to know this mum because she seems nice, from what you've seen, or is it simply because you think she may be able to relate and maybe you feel sorry for her that she doesn't talk to anyone. It can be very isolating when you have a SN child at a MS school. Unfortunately, many parents will want to seperate themselves from you and your child. I know that some don't, but on the bad days you can feel awfully alone. So I understand why you're asking the question.

Maybe you could chat to the school and ask how many children they have there with SN. I know you're shy, as am I, but maybe you could suggest getting all the mums with children with SN together for a chat one afternoon. You could do it subtley i'm sure. Ask if the school wouldn't mind suggesting it to the other mums. I'm sure there will be more than your child and this other womans child with problems at the school.

Hope this helps. :)

I'd agree with the isolation thing - I don't think I'm isolated by the other mums, I tend to isolate myself.

I'm lucky that there is a few ASD parents at my son's school. My son is friends with a ASD girl and I chat to her mum now and again. I think we are regarded as a bit odd by the other mums though.

I think just walking up to her and speaking will help. Just make it as natural as you can. It def helps to have friends at the school gate (it's a jungle in there!)

Can you leave a note with the other boy's class teacher to pass on, or do the dc have pigeon holes? I would be really pleased if I found a note from another mum (who was in the same boat), I would think it very unlikely she would be anything but pleased.

The only thing would be wording it carefully - does she know you know her ds has AS? If so, I would just say soemthing like it would be nice to get together over a coffee as you feel it would be great to chat to another mum in a similar situation, but you wouldn't be offended if she'd rather not.

I know he has AS because when he joined the nursery DS used to go, i heard one of the staff explaining to another staff there about it. it wasn't like the i was listening intentionaly honest.

So his mum doesn't know i know iyswim. It's really awkward.

Her DS seems so sweet and i remmber when we a meeting for parents before the dc started school, we were all sat in a room with teacher and her DS was there with her. When teacher had finished talking she asked if anyone had a question...and the little boy got up and shouted all loud 'i have a question!'

And at nursery he had a thing about clothes pegs and would often come in with pegs in his hair! bless him.

The casual 'how is he finding school ?' sounds like something i could manage if i brace myself.

Thanks for the replies.

I would love it if someone at our school who also had a child with ASD would speak to me. I know there are other children with dyspraxia and ASD, as the SENco is obviously busy, but not a clue who they are.

Might be a bit unnatural to start chatting to her pretending you don't know, then having to pretend you didn't know if she tells you.

At ds's nursery the head has told us there's another boy with asd (not sure which group he's in as there are several from 2-5yo), whose mum has said she'd be happy to get together with any other parent in the same boat (ie me, think we're the only ones!). I think I'll take her up on it.

Maybe you could do somehting like that - ask his teacher if she could mention it to his mum, then leave it up to her to take forward?

When I went to a general open day at the school before DS1 started, another mum approached me and said "hi, is your boy autistic?" I must admit my internal reaction was but I just answered yes and she explained the teacher had been muddling my son with hers. We've chatted a fair bit since and making arrangments to meet after school one day so I'm glad she did approach me, but could easily go the other way I suppose.

"Might be a bit unnatural to start chatting to her pretending you don't know, then having to pretend you didn't know if she tells you."

Yes you're right BialystockandBloom. I'd probably go beetroot when she tells men she finds out about my DS being also autistic, she might well put 2 and 2 together...iyswim.

So i might just tell the teacher that i'd be happy to get in touch with her if she wants to.
That's probably the easiest way.

telle me , not tells men....

Lol another error "tells me", i'd better be off to bed!!

genie, I would really like to know how it goes. It's quite interesting to hear what someones reaction would be.

There's a boy at my DD pre school who cleary has severe Autism, which even though he's only 3, I would have thought it would have had to be diagnosed already. I always will smile at his mum, but she tends to drop him off and practically run home. I'm pretty sure she's doing this because she's upset and possibly holding back the tears(know that feeling), but sometimes it's virtually impossible to talk to someone who is cutting themselves off, understandably so maybe, but still very difficult to help. Sometimes a mum will come up to me and start chatting about the normal everyday things and because I might have had some bad new about DD that day, I keep the conversation really brief, simply so nobody sees me cry, but I know this might just come across as being rude and not interested, when it's in fact the complete opposite. :(

Again, as someone in the same boat, I'd be happy to receive an approach from someone else. Don't have very many "mummy" friends and no "ASD mummy" friends at all. Would be good to talk.

Approach via teacher sounds like a good start.

I will update if the mum decides to get in touch.

Will speak to teacher on monday about it.