Just need some support; 3-year-old with developmental delay

[noralouise]

I say "developmental delay" because at this point, having just gotten the ball rolling with child psych assessment, that's all we can really say to describe his temperament. It's a lot more complicated than that though.

I am just completely burnt out is all. Our son is in Montessori 3x a week for 2.5 hours, which is a good break for me, but all the rest of the time I find I am barely holding it together.

He has a severe language delay, is completely encompassed by his anger and is extremely aggressive with other kids. He is unable to socialize and is constantly biting/hitting/pinching me. I try to remain calm, and mostly I do okay, but this morning I just lost it and slapped him when he sunk his teeth into me.

I am completely alienated since we live overseas, away from family, and I have stopped socializing with other mums and their kids because of how my son acts. I know his behaviour probably looks like a result of my poor parenting, to other mums. But I swear it isn't. My husband and I are doing all we can, but nothing works.

I feel like utter crap for slapping my son, and I know it was a result of my burnout and just feeling completely trapped and out of options. I guess all I need right now is someone to tell me that I am not a horrible parent, that somehow this will improve...I dunno...

It is clearly not down to poor parenting (unless you have been keeping him locked in a cupboard or something :) )

And don't feel rubbish for slapping your son once when all of this was happening. I have definitely slapped my son on occasion (for far less provocation). I regret it afterwards. Say sorry and move on. ( It's not like you're caning him every night for no good reason...)

Sounds like you need a lot more support than you're getting. Are you in the UK?

Are you on the waiting list for a psych assesement? How long will you have to wait? Has he been seen by an paed?

HI There,

DD is nearly 3 and has GDD. You are not a horrible parent. I also have found myself losing my temper and feeling terrible afterwards. PLease don't dwell on it. I also find biting the most difficult thing not to react to.

Its exhausting caring for a child with language delay let alone other issues. It is so lonely at times and I just want to say that I know how you feel. My dd can be difficult in public. I often get 'looks' from other people because dd is different and makes weird noises....throws herself on the floor....etc

I am sure people will be along soon with support and suggestions.

I find I have up and down days too.....

I hope you are getting some help with regards to therapy. I don't want to make daft suggestions but we have been using special biting tubes and it seems to be helping DD. We are trying to teach her to only bite on the tubes instead of every other object/person that comes her way. It has been quite helpful for us although I know it doesn't work for everyone.

I wish I could be more help but others will be along with lots of good advice - its good here x

It's very unlikely that the problems you describe are a result of your parenting. Are you seeing anyone/ in any process to get a diagnosis in the country you are in? You can't cause language delay (unless you lock a child in a cellar). I am sure you know of children in what you might consider 'bad' homes and yet they are all chatting away merrily and behaving 'normally' most of the time...

I really appreciate all your replies. I'm sorry my reply is so late, but I really don't get a lot of time to sit and write anything of substance on the computer!

I think the biting tubes idea is really good. Even though he is three, I have definitely considered getting him a special teether to carry around and bite when he is mad. But the thing is, the understanding is just not there. It seems like no matter how simple the terms my husband and I use, he either doesn't understand or pretends not too. So we can explain to him "don't bite, bite ouch, that hurts, bite this instead, I know you're very angry, etc etc etc." But he just doesn't seem to "get it."

He is also 100 per cent discipline resistant...We've tried cool downs/time outs/talking about it/rewards...I've even slapped his hand...Nothing works.

We have been referred to a "needs assessment" specialist. I am not yet sure what that means. We'll also be seeing a child psyc. This is all happening very slowly...We do a lot of waiting for people to get back to us.

Here's the weird thing: he was seen by a paed in July, and the dr. said that he was developmentally immature, and probably had some add tendencies, but it was nothing major...And he should just grow out of it. He was a great dr. and very reassuring, but the thing is, I am sure something else is wrong. My husband and I are just not sure what...It's just..."Something." He can't relate to other kids, doesn't understand boundaries, and so much just doesn't seem to "click" with him.

But oddly enough, every night we have story time for about an hour. And it's like during that hour he is a totally "normal" kid. His language and clarity and understanding all improve, and he actually makes decisions -- chooses his own stories, etc. It's amazing. I don't know what is so different about story time, as opposed to the rest of the day. I suppose it's quiet, peaceful and intimate, and that obviously is very comfortable for him.

Also, we got "the Explosive Child" and "Honey I wrecked the kids" -- after all the parenting books we've plowed through, they are the only two that resonate at all.

Sounds like he is a visual learner - that would explain why he can pick out his favourite books and enjoy the stories. With the pictures to prompt him he enjoys the words.

Can you investigate a visual timetable and print out picture of the bahaviour you do want.

It is quite possible that there are delays in audio processcing and receptive language so without pictures your probably v intelligent child does not understand leading to frustration.

Not trying to diagnose but this sort of behaviour sounds similar to Austistic Spectrum disorder. My son had a dx of global delay at three but now at nearly five I think it is autism (the delays of 18 months in getting an assessment round my way are very annoying).

You could try reading Hanen "it takes two to talk" and the "The child with Special Needs by Stanley Greenspan. both will help with language and behaviour and are something for you to do while waiting for the experts to get their act together.

But do go back to the doctors and ask for an assessment. Also rope in the nursery for their support and ask them to access whatever outside Special Educational Needs provision there is where you live.

When he starts to communicate it will get easier I'm sure but for now please don't feel like a crap parent

My DD is almost 5 and has ASD with speech issues....relating to cognative understanding. Your DS sounds similar, although we dont really have anger issues shes quite happy to just be in her own world. DD is a very visual learner, she often withdraws from any attemt at conversations and instructions must be very basic...two steps max. It is very frustrating when she doesnt understand, I repeat, I dont understand her...we go round in circles. Her obsessive behaviours often mean she needs to complete an action to let it go so this can go on for days if I dont understand or she cant communicate her wishes. From her point of view she does 'connect' to other DCs but not in a usual way....often they have no idea she wants to be friends but she observes them and obsesses about them.

DD responds to 1 to 1 from her inclusion teacher and thrives on the learning...she actually does focus and comes home babbling on about it! We are just setting up visual aids now, (shes nearly 5), but I have seen the benefits already. :)

We cant really do discipline either its too complicated for her to understand so just means more frustration. We sit on the stairs for calming down but she often doesnt know why. :(

Its been a slow process getting dx and with her speech but we are getting somewhere. As other posts said, further assesment with SALT and development Paed....and the patience of a saint!