Have 1 child with SN, husband wants another baby

[proudmum74]

Hi All

We already have 1 beautiful dd who is now 6 months old & due to our ages (we're both 36) & the fact it took us a long time to conceive last time, my husband is starting to talk about wanting to try for another baby in the next year or so.

Whilst I love being a mum to my dd, I have to admit that I have some real reservations, as I worry that I won't be able to cope with 2 children, especially if the next baby also has SN.

My concern isn't so much about the emotional side of things, as I'm sure I'd love any future child we'd be lucky enough to have as much as I already love my dd, but I'm worried about the time (or lack thereof). In particular I'm worried that we'd be reducing the amount of time we'd be able to spend with our existing child (who has down's) & the negative impact this might have on her development.

My husband is a fantastic dad & I do feel that I'm being a bit selfish for having such reservations. Has anyone else been in a similar position & can offer any advice?

Thanks!

Hi pm

No specific advice (we went onto have a baby after two children were diagnosed with ASd but we stuck to existing plans rather than differed)

however, I would say that the benefits of a baby sibling ahve been enormous to the boys and has been as good as any expensie therapy, and we have had a lot of joy despite yes being very tired, as a toddler sees his sibling as the same as everyone else- a universally accepting attitude many can learn from.

Only you can know your limits however.

No advice but will watch this thread with interest as am in similar position to you - my DS is older (coming up to 2 now) and I always intended to try to have kids fairly close together, but right now I just don't see how we could manage giving DS the constant attention and help he needs (he has CP) with another baby. On the other hand I think it would be good for DS in many ways. However neither me, nor I think DH, feels strong enough to go through it all again given the horror of last time.

Thanks for the advice. It's really good to hear that your boys are benefiting from having a baby sibling, as to be honest that was my biggest concern.

We decided not to have any more children after Luuk. Genetic tests haven't coe up with anything but his wee body is so complex there must be something so we've decided to foster instead................is that aybe something you could consider later on? It's not for everyone though but just a thought.

Sharon xx

Thanks Sharon - have to admit that I've seriously considered adoption in the past when we were struggling to conceive; so yes, definitely an option I'd consider. Only slight reservation about fostering is the emotional attachment you form with the child(ren)& how do you cope when they no longer need your help?

I'd go for it.

Your dd is so young yet, you are only just beginning with life,

I have 3 dc's, one with SLD and physical difficulities.

Having my 2 "normal" dc's keeps me sane through the trials of our sn life. And having siblings hugely improves our disabled child's life.

Didn't have a dx for DS1 when i had DS2, but i did know when i had DS3 - born when i was 41, so there is time.
I love seeing them all together as siblings. It teaches them about how life is, sharing, compromise, teamwork, love and hate at the same time (!) all sorts of things.
Agree with Sanctimoanyarse - what were your original plans? Had you wanted more than one before DD?

we had DS1 then DS2 . DS2 had very severe issues and for a while I figured there was no way we could even think about having another child.

Then when DS2 was 6 and I was 40 we realised that we either had to try or forget it. The result was DD.

DS2 has severe ASD and because he regressed it made the calculations about SN in a younger sibling complicated.

But my view was then , and remains now, that you should only procedd if you are both sure that you could cope emotionally with another child with SN.
The odds mean fuck all if the 1:1000 chance would blow your happiness and challenge your relationship.

If it were me I would remind DH that you have to settle and consider and allow youselves to get used to the baby you have before you make big decisions about the future.

Hiya, 4 dcs 3 all some element of sn, emotional, add, asd, physical in varying combinations. They are a delight at ages 8, 12, 14 16. 16 yr old ds has asd - dd (14) has some physical issues and has always helped with socialising, especially now she goes to explorers with him.

could not have imagined 4dcs like this when I started out - bt wouldn't change anything about them.

A friend had a child with downs, and was advised to have another to help with development as a younger sib - something about natural sibling competetiveness leading the older one to develop further - seemed to work for them.

BUT only you know what is in your heart and right for you.

We always knew DS was different but a lot of our concerns were dismissed.

The first time the word "Autism" was suggested was the week before DD was born.

Although there is a large age gap they love each other dearly and each benefit greatly from having the other in their lives.