Are my expectations unreasonnable??? (more school matters sorry)

[genieinabottle]

We have a communication book for DS (asd).
Teacher very rarely reports any issues. We have had 'restless at carpet time' a couple of times, and 'unwilling to do table activities' once, but that's it.

DS always seem to have a good day with no issues.
But last friday, teacher wrote 'no difficulties and no tears today' does this means there are been tears and problems on others days??? (and i've not been told about it)

I wrote on his book for them to let me know of any incidents as DS has bad challenging behaviours at home after school and at weekends.
Teacher wrote back 'will always let you know if there are incidents!'

Anyway yesterday , DH picked him up and said he had been difficult walking back.
As soon as DS sees me, he started crying and was going on about PE ...PE bag??? (couldn't get to the bottom of what was wrong as his communication is limited by his speech and lang.delays)
So got his book, expecting to find something. Nothing. Entry was 'had a good day
, no issues. But a bit restless at carpet time'

So i wrote a note asking if anything has happened at PE.
This morning TA was by the door (she is more free with her talking than teacher ) so i asked her if there was a problem during PE yesterday. She said 'yes, but it was resolved quickly. Another child had taken DS' s PE shorts and DS got upset'

I told (in the nicest way possible) he had been crying and was still upset by this when he got home.
I know this wasn't a major incident, and stuff like this happens in a school, but why wasn't it mentioned in his book??? That would have saved me a good 30 minutes of calming DS about something that had happened and i didn't know exactly what it was.

So their definition of an incident is different from yours? Perhaps you need to go and explain how much upset your son retains from these small difficulties during the day and how much easier it would be for him to offload his feelings if you were able to understand what had happened. Explain that it is not just those incidents which were unresolved that you need to hear about but all those that caused him stress or upset.

Is he capable of indicating to them what he'd like to be in his book? Could they ask him after incidents if he'd like it in his book?

Another approach could be to write in his book every time he has an unexplained meltdown when he gets home emphasising how much more difficult it was to cope without being fully informed.

"Is he capable of indicating to them what he'd like to be in his book? Could they ask him after incidents if he'd like it in his book?"

No he hasn't got these abilties yet. He doesn't even understand what his communication book is for. Tbh, he hasn't even realised he has one, and he wouldn't understand if i tried explaining to him (he is just coming up to 5 and that sort of concept is too hard to grasp atm).

It seems i will have to spell it out for them.
It's so difficult when he is upset and cannot explain properly what is wrong.

tbh I would only expect reports of incidents over & above the norm.
Maybe they need to be more aware of how upset small incidents make your ds & then they can be more able to judge what they need to record.

FWIW my NT ds1 would of been bothered by an incident such as the one you describe at a similar age, many children are.
DS2 (asd, ld & cp) wouldn't notice & wouldn't care... maybe the school need to get to know your ds a little better, has he been at the school long?

No he has only been in school for 5 weeks.

Like i said i know this type of minor thing do happen frequently in school, even with NT kids but the NT 5 y olds have the abilty to communicate their feelings and explain things better than DS, who will react with frustration once he gets home.

Sorry just re-read my last post...tis a bit blunt.

I know what you mean and i wouldn't expect them to record every little thing but so far they haven't recorded much. And for DS to still be bothered by this when he got home and judging by his reaction...i'm suspecting that he might have been more upset than what TA said. But maybe i'm wrong.

I agree with you, they defo need to get to know him better and hopefully we'll see some improvement.

It does make sense that they need to get to know him genie and your feedback is part of that process. If they can see by your comments in the book what has caused him to be upset after school they'll learn to judge what needs to be in the book.

One would hope that professionals would see your feedback as helpful but they are just as likely to see it as negative criticism. That's the kind of time when we have to put up with being a PITA mum and keep telling them anyway. When they do tell you something useful make sure you put a big thank you in the book with a description of how it helped him.

Sometimes I think our children are not the only ones who find communication difficult!

"Sometimes I think our children are not the only ones who find communication difficult!" so true!!

Not blunt at all genie, don't worry :)

They ned to learn to look at him & see how he behaves & react to work out if he is OK or if he is still bothered etc etc.
A1ison is right, your feedback will help them but remember even if you are having a go at them make sure you smile sweetly while doing it

The school where I teach does not like to use these books.

I know why.

We have one for DS (6, asd). I hate it. They introduced it cos I said I wasn't happy for them to come and talk to me at the end of everyday with tales of what they felt he had done 'wrong' - the other mummies listened in and I felt a bit fragile and 'got at'.(I'm a bit tougher now!)

So they wrote it in a book instead, which was even more depressing.

Things can seem much much worse written down. Having written in these books myself you have to spend quite a lot of time agonising over the 'right tone' to use. You also have to do it consistenly. If not, it's fairly pointless - as your experience tells us.

Now the school realise that my son is not particularly naughty and that he acts out with his frustration for a reason things are much better. They had had asd kids before but not HFA. It has taken them a year to really get to know him.

Give them a while and then start nagging at them.

We also had a daily diary used for our ds for 2yrs while he was at Primary school. We had felt/known for a long time, that incidents has been under-reported, and had to "fight" to get a diary started.
What an eye-opener-there were incidents most days.
Im soooo glad we did this. When it came time for transition to Secondary school, the LA wanted our ds to attend the mainstream Secondary, which was totally unsuitable for his needs. We had a fight again, but the "evidence" was in the Diary, and that helped us get him into a more suitable school.
Whilst I dont disagree with the above poster, I also think that sometimes school dont like these diarys as they can show there is a problem, that (a) the school are not dealing with appropriately, or (b) the school should be applying to the LA for funding or a Statement.
You should insist the school fill-in the Diary correctly and say it is VERY important as your ds cannot explain what has upset him, and the Diary enables you to find out what happened.
You can also use the diary as evidence gathering if you feel your ds has greater needs later on. HTH.

Agree that diary is good evidence. Which is why I was so upset when ds's receprion teacher took it out of his book bag and shredded it without telling me, shortly before the end of the summer term. 'We always do that, let them start year 1 with a clean slate'. GRRR

Thanks.
I will be making photo copies of his diary then just in case, but atm there is not much evidence in there.

"We always do that,....."
Oh, I bet you do! When my ds 1st Diary was full, I had a niggle about sending it to school, so rang and said that he needed a new one. Later that day, the school rang and said could they have the Diary, so they could use it as evidence as Good Practise! This, after they fought us about having one in the first place.
I just said,no, and that we would like to keep it.(Oh,yes, I thought, Ill be using it for a different kind of evidence!) From then on, I made photocopies of all future diaries. Things that make you go GRRR.