SN & School adjustments - any backlash from other parents?

[Triggles]

DS2 is 4 and in reception. He has been the centre of a bit of uproar since he started, to be honest. He has difficulty focusing on tasks, very little impulse control, will run or walk off if given the chance (not to escape school but just sees an opening and is very "oh that looks interesting"), no sense of danger, and is extremely distressed by loud noise and background noise (amongst other issues).

Anyway, we've had a problem where he walked out an insecure gate on the playground and ended up in the car park, where he's written in marker on the teacher's laptop, where he's been completely distressed at the chaos of assembly and had to be taken out to calm down from his panic.... the list goes on and on.

Other than an initial hiccup with the teacher (well,one of them as they job share), who stated it was his fault that he walked out of the gate as he basically should know better, the school has been brilliant. Within 24 hours of the gate incident, the head had a policy in place where they now lock the gate prior to playtime, so it cannot happen again. She has also (with the input of the senco) provided a TA to be there 1-on-1 with DS2 during lunch and playtime. According to teacher2 (who is lovely), DS2 & the TA have a wonderful rapport. Teacher2 also suggested and located a pair of ear defenders for DS2 to use in the classroom as well as laminated small cards on a ring that he can use when distressed or if he is having trouble with getting his point across in any way. The senco has now incorporated someone into the classroom for 10 hours a week for 1-on-1 with DS2 to assist him.

The senco is currently getting referrals through the school nurse, ed psych, and language and communication. And GP has referred DS2 to CAMHS. So we are in the early stages here, although I appreciate that the school is putting what they can in place to help. The senco says he should get a statement and will help us get everything sorted.

My concern is this...with all this disruption he has sometimes caused (although tbh the school has managed to keep it to a minimum), does anyone ever get hassle from other parents about the extra 1-on-1 in the classroom detracting from things? Or that the extra things they have to do with DS2 (that require extra attention) aren't fair to other children? The only reason I ask is years ago I had a friend whose son was SN and the amount of hassle she got from other parents (complaints, snide comments, snubbing) was unbelievable and it caused her so much distress. I don't think that the other parents really know anything about DS2. I haven't said anything, as I felt it was a "none of their business" kind of thing. What are people's experiences with this? Are you fairly open with others about his limitations and such? Or not? And what type of reactions have you had? I feel like by not saying anything, I'm acting like I'm ashamed or embarrassed by him (which I'm not!), but that if I say anything, I'm either opening us up to criticism or comments or simply violating his privacy.

An extra 1-1 in the class benefits all the kids, as does additional playground supervision. Plus if your ds is happier then he won't disrupt lessons.... Personally, I was very open about ds' problems, but that was out of desperation after school & the other parents had started to use a 'naughty' label... and your school sounds truly fab.

It depends. There definately can be a backlash. I told everyone my son had ASD - because previously they thought he was naughty. I have found them far more sympathetic when they realise he has ASD and is not just naughty.

But it's not as if I opened the conversation with this info :) More like told my friends as were discussing school.....

Sounds like your school are being brilliant. That is a far more important battle to win than the other school Mums. Frankly if they don't like it - they can move their child.

Yes, we did have problems with the parents at the first MS school my daughter attended. It was a outstanding-rated, league table topping school and some of the other parents felt she could take up too much of the teacher's time and would hold back their children. This was in reception FFS!

LOL well, yes, IndigoBell, that thought (if they don't like it, they can move their child) HAD occurred to me.

I certainly wouldn't offer the information as a "well, hi, how are you, guess what...." type of thing. I would mainly say something if asked, I suppose. You know how mothers at the school gate are... travel in packs and savage the weak. I think I've acquired the "overprotective mum" label, as I can't just let DS2 run loose (as the other children do) immediately prior or after school as he will simply run off, and with an open gate directly onto a busy road, that's just not an option. There have been a few subtle comments, which I've largely ignored (without being obvious I hope), but I expect at some point someone is going to ask directly.

vjg13 - maybe I'm just not as much in a rush for DS2 (and DS3) to grow up so quickly. I can't believe how much some parents push and complain about how quickly their children can read and write in reception and how quickly they're advancing. I've heard parents discussing how if the child doesn't know how to read by the time they reach reception, they're already behind. Absolute rubbish! I think it's those types of parents that complain about this... and they're the ones I'm worried about creating a fuss over DS2 and any disruptions he may cause. (although yes, to be honest, if they confronted me about it, I'd probably be less than polite in response!)

I have to add that some of the parents were good and really encouraged their children to include her and she was always invited to all the parties etc but I think they would have been less tolerant as she moved up the school. At this particular school the class sizes were very small (16 in her class) and it could have been ideal. We moved her after a year because it really wasn't working.

I think you'll know the time when you want to discuss your son with the other parents and will be able to avoid the mad pushy types!

Some brilliant- a few really awful (and one actually works in the Department for Education, but then again.......)

Wait until you've sussed people out if you're worried. Although some people I previously thought were OK came out with some outrageous statements about SN kids hogging the teachers attention and all parents of SN kids being mad, taking out their anger on the educational body - wtf?????

Needless to say, I now have nothing to do with these parents, there are plenty out there who aren't prejudiced nutters :)

We've had no complaints of the sort regarding either of our boys. As others have mentioned, other kids benefit from the strategies put in place, the extra resources and obviously from the extra body in the classroom (even though DS1's TA is clearly there for him, for example, he often ends up working in small groups in the areas where he is either ahead of or behind most of his peers). Thanks to the support my boys have, they are not hogging the teachers' time and attention. The support they have at breaks and lunchtime is welcomed by other children, too, since the TA's often organise games or activities - DS1's TA had a huge crowd enjoying themselves, chalking all over the playground in the summer. Another time, she had a giant game of Connect 4 going on the school field, with DS1 (quite impatiently!) teaching other kids the rules!

The only complaint we've had has been about a time when a kid got in DS1's face and DS1 lashed out. While totally understandable, the source was actually quite laughable because the reason DS1 doesn't like the child near him is that child's own pretty shocking behaviour.

Just to add that most parents I talk to actually adore my DSs and ask after them and even talk to them, even if they get nothing back. Even someone I've had run-ins with before as near neighbours helped me out when both boys ran in opposite directions on the way in, one morning. We don't really have many of the sort of parents who think their kid should be ready for university by the time they finish primary school, mind.

We've had troubloe tbh, although ds3 now thankfully in a specialist provision.

I am certain it was the very middle class area we live in (we are the poverty ridden exceptions ) and a definite sense of competitive parenting that exists ehre.

DS3 had a TA alloacted: obviously, he was abrely berbal and in nappies at the point of which I am thinking. Every morning the TA waitind outside and if she wasn;t there he would become so upset we would ahve to go home and try again 2 hours later.

One Mum in particular would always without fail put herself between the TA and ds3, and tell her dd 'You go take her hand, you have as much right to her as anyone else'.

Now, it was a complicateds situation: funding had led to the usual reception TA's being lost, and I know there were also grumbles that a child with cancer wasn;t getting help (nad I never, ever minded when the sick child used ds3's TA- how could I?) but it became an issue.

Also, wrt to aprents, ds1's lack of support led to aprents (and on occasion children) coming to the door or confronting us at school, a few times in quite a scary manner.

I am extremely open about the boy's SN- as is ds1, who stood up in class and told everyone what AS was from choice one day- but I have learned to defned myself by isolation. I smile back to people, respond to friendly comments but never ever volunteer (used to all the time but got constant complaints about ds1 from teh children), never make friendships that then vanish with ds1's behaviour, and never approach people becuase I don;t know what their child's relationship with ds1 is.

SantiMoanyArse - I think the main reason we haven't had any problems with other parents is because the school has gone out of their way to keep things low key. I know I have gotten some odd looks and a few tuts because DS needs so much 1-on-1 attention. I'm sure they think it's a situation where we spoil him and he's naughty. I know that there was a fair bit of speculation about why DH & I both took him to school and picked him up most days with a few mums making comments about people who didn't work. I made a point to mention to one mum that I do occasionally speak to about DH working nights, so it's nice that he can come along for the nice walk to school and back. I am annoyed with myself for even taking the time to say it . I guess it'll be a matter of just waiting and seeing....

I have only had positive comments about ds2 being in his ms school.
Whatever safeguards put in place to protect your child will help all the children.
Any time your ds spends with a TA is less time the teacher will ahve to dedicate to him exclusively so again, a positive thing.

Anyone who sees it as anything other than a good thing for their child needs to find another school IMHO.

I think in our case the issues was a complete lack of awareness of how funding works (wqith ds3), as the class lost its TA at the same time the LA funded one for ds3 started

With ds1 it was a simple fact that school massively underestimated his needs so he was a danger to the otehrs, I had one dad banging on my door* and I explained that he had ASD; Dad said ;have you told school?'

er eys dear, he has a statement.

(* ostensibly to return a toy the DS's had apaprenlty stolen of this kid; in fact, DH had taken the boys out at the weekend and bought it for them (just a gormitti thing) and kid was manipulating his Dad rather nastily).

I had one complain to me because ds went to school in nappies because his statement ensured he got nappy changes by his TA and she felt hard done by that she had been told that she would have to come in and change her ds if he wasn't toilet trained.
At class assembly I heard someone say "oh look special treatment again" because ds was sat with his TA to one side rather than sitting on the stage with his class.
One asked me how she could get a 1 to 1 for her child because she thought she would do better I advised her that having autism might help but I wouldn't recommend it.

shit shit shit

Just found out Dad referred to below has been hired as Ds2's temp teahcer next term

Will start thread