The health visitor and inclusion support disagree with pre school. What next?

[MissNutty]

My DD is nearly 4 and i've always had my concerns about her social skills and megga tantrums. A few weeks ago pre school expressed their concern and said we should get the health visitor in etc.

We've done this and she seems to think that it's just that she hasn't mixed enough. I don't really have any friends with children. I'm a fairly young mum and most of my friends have no desire to have kids. Very small family so no local cousins etc. So, she does find it hard to make friends. She doesn't understand that she has to make a friend, she just assumes that because it's another boy or girl, they're automatically her friend. So it's whether or not it's just an immaturity issue, or something more. Health visitor doesn't think it's anything serious and neither do the inclusion support who were actually lovely. I'm worried now that pre school have already labelled her and are now treating her differently. They're very dramatic if she's had an off day or she has been running around too much. I understand it's disruptive but I think they may be jumping the gun.

I just don't know what i'm supposed to do next. Do I explain to pre school that the professionals disagree with them or shall I just leave it for now?

Sorry it's so long. Any advice would be much appreciated. :)

Do remember the Hv and the inclusion team are basing their opions on a short snap shot of your dd where obviously the preschool know her better

But obviously as her mum you know her best might just be worth keeping a open mind though and just mpntior how she does

How do you feel about her? Did you have any concerns before the preschool mentioned it? Go with your gut feeling either way on this. If you are not worried then tell the preschool what has been said and just ask that the situation is monitored. If you think there may be more to this then go to your GP and ask for a referal to a paediatrician for a proper assessment of the situation.

Did HV/Inclusion Support observe your child in the setting?

Although my HV and early years support team were happy to refer DS1 on having seen him at home, they also observed him at nursery. His behaviours there (although part of an emerging bigger picture) were different to those at home, and also, in a way, more telling. If your HV and Inclusion support haven't seen him in the setting, and your pre-school still have concerns, perhaps they would be willing to observe your daughter there?

I have only had experience of two pre-schools and one nursery, but, notwithstanding some reservations I had about nursery, I did trust their observations on DS1; they had concerns too which tallied with my own (which seems to be what you said i.e. they and you have concerns about tantrumming and age-appropriate social skills).

The HV may not be the best qualified to make this judgement though (or, like mine, he/she might be very observant).

BTW, I worried about my eldest two children not being very well socialised. DD actually came on leaps and bounds just with maturity and once she settled into pre-school. All the socialising in the world wouldn't help DS1 without directed support!

That's bit waffly but hope it helps!

Thanks for the responses.

It's pretty much what I was expecting to be honest. The HV did see her at pre school and she said she was surprised that she was so well behaved as the staff had built her up to be much worse. I'm not saying that she isn't bad sometimes, but they seem to forget it's quite rare that she will be that disobedient.

My gut feeling is that there IS something not quite right. Toddler group was a nightmare to the point where I couldn't take her anymore as she was so disruptive. She started off ok, but the last few months were a nightmare. Just running up and down the hall constantly. Pushing other children over. Hugging them to the ground etc. It was awful at the time. I was positive something was wrong at that point. That was about 8 months ago and she's come on so much. I understand that pre school see her more often than the professionals(obviously), but she started late and like I said before, she doesn't really socialise outside of pre school.

HV said, that at the very worse there could be a very mild form of aspergers, but obviously it's very early days. Does anyone have experience with this? If so, what sort of sypmtoms does your child have?

My DS1 has no DX as yet but I tried and failed to "socialise" him by taking him (with DD) to toddler rgoups etc...what a joke. He just went into meltdown at the door. Obviously that alone means nothing (some kids just hate those groups), my point is, if your child does have difficulties with communicating and interacting then all the toddler groups in the world are not going to make her better at these skills of themselves.

I would go with your gut feeling. I have no experience of Asperger's but I suspect that a HV isn't qualified on one or two viewings of your daughter to make that assessment either.

What you and pre-school seem to be saying is that there are times that your DDs behaviour is difficult to manage and in a way that is not typical of a child of her age. Even if the professionals don't feel there is any condition or disorder behind this, they could offer some better advice on how to deal with it perhaps?

Loulou, I agree. I wouldn't suggest that they would know automatically if something's wrong with 3 viewings, but what I would say is, touch wood, she's improving. I have to take some comfort from that. However, i'm not just going to cling on to the positives, as I know that there will be more negatives to come.

What does your instinct tell you about your DS?

I think you need to trust your gut instinct its usually pretty accurate. You say you have concerns, and so does the Nursery. The nursery will see her every day and be able to compare her to lots of her peers. Like the previous poster says, the HV andInclusion Team have only had a snap-shot of your dd. IME HVs are knowledgable about dc that are developing along the "normal route", but really are not much help wit h SN unless they are a SN HV.
It is ok to differ in opinion to professionals-she is your dd.
Maybe she needs time to catch-up with her peers, maybe you are happy to give her say another 6months and see how she is. With school coming up, it would be good to know if she is going to need extra help.
Let nursery know what the HV etc think. But, if you are not happy, go to your GP and ask him to refer you to a Paediatrician citing nurserys concerns. HTH.

Thanks. I think I just might.

The Inclusion team said that they were used to children with obvious problems and DD's problems really aren't on the surface very often. It's just so confusing and I know it's just the begining. Need to get a grip I think.

Ok what about asking the nursery if there are any children your dd shows interest in and then inviting that child to play where you can observe how she gets on? If she hasn't had much exposure to other kids you might need to help out doing structured activities eg icing biscuits, making something etc can help and keeping it short the first time.