No common sense - really frightens me

[Oakmaiden]

I just don't know what to do. I am SO scared that my ds will do something really stupid and end up dead, but however hard I try he always manges to out perform my guess as to how foolish he can be.

This morning I was woken at about 7:30 by ds bellowing for me - went through to his bedroom to find him OUT of the window, clinging to the sill with his finger tips. I mean for f*cks sake!!! He was trying to climb out, so that he could play in the garden. Apparently the little girl next door had suggested it to him, and of course if SHE thought it was a good idea, then there is no way it would occur to him not to! The bedroom window is normally locked closed (because i have always been terrified that he would open it wide and fall out) but with the hot weather I had opened it in the evening - but there is no way it ever would have occured to me that he would try to CLIMB OUT!!! All I can say is thank God for gymnastics lessons that have got him really strong hands and arms - I feel sick just thinking about him falling - I can't stop shaking and crying every time I think about it.

But he does stuff like this - I spend my whole life terrified that next time he does something stupid I won't get there in time. We have a motion detector just outside his bedroom door, so that he can't get up in the middle of the night and wander about the house without us knowing - but he still mananges to outguess me and find something else to do that hadn't occured to me. I just don't know what to do and it is driving me insane.

Within the past 6 weeks he has also managed to get hold of my craft knives and slice his hand open quite dramatically, and i have also caught him sticking things in plugholes (plastic things, thankfully). This is just baby stuff, that you expect from a toddler, but i obviously expect too much from him. It just never occurs to me that he would do these things.
(By the way he is 5 and a half, dx ADHD and Asperger)

oakmaiden I posted about this before on the rellious mothers thread about my experience with windows. Dh put chicken wire around the windows.
Thank god your ds is alright, and what a scare for you.I hope you have calmed down now.
Honestly we need eyes in the backs of our head.

The fright of it Oh My God you must be still shook up............

I often think their lack of commonsense is somewhat similar to what we must be like when sodden drunk (not that I ever climbed out of a window mind).

It does pass eventually but locking windows and removing all dangerous objects out of reach is the only thing for peace of mind.
I always keep dd's window locked and the other night dh said to me as we were going asleep that he'd opened it. I had to get up close and lock it as I know I wouldn't of slept.

Hope it hasn't traumitised you too much

Bloody hell! This is the sort of thing that terrifies me..... All our windows have locks, doors are locked. Everything is locked. The dangerous times for us is at other people's houses becuase we have to trail ds1 or ask them to shut their windows. Once he's asleep I open all the windows to try and get a breeze through! We're thinking we'll have to change the windows now becuase they're not very strong and ds1 headbutts them and hits them (they have a kind of wooden bar across but he's started climbing on that).

Thank god you heard him!

You poor women, hope your heart has gone back to its normal speed!!!! Well it wont happen again now, so thank God it was a kind warning. Try not to give yourself a hard time it luck that stops kids having accidents most of the time

Oh Oakmaiden. Poor, poor you. What a horrible shock. Thank goodness he's ok. I hope you feel better soon- I'm not surprised you're feeling shaken and tearful.

You sound so worried and I can absolutely see why. I really think you could maybe use some specialist advice. I've met some parents and children in similar situations who've really benefited from advice sessions with clinical pychologists specialising in autism/adhd. Is this something you've tried already and, if not, could your GP or (one of) the consultant(s) who diagnosed your son refer you? I know some of these people are really good and have helped families a lot with behaviour and safety issues, though as with everything I expect they provision is variable. I know that the National Autistic Society runs courses for parents across the country too and it may be worth contacting them. The website is here . HTH.

Hope you feel better soon, anyway, and so sorry about your fright this morning. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Oakmaiden - one thing that's occurred to me? Do you think he has dodgy depth perception? Ds1 is frequenty trying to throw himself off ridiculously high places- and that's why we're so terrified of windows/balconies/embankments etc I'm hoping the Irlen lenses will improve it

I don't know Jimjams. Heights certainly don't seem to bother him at all. But then, not much does. I asked him if he had been frightened when he was hanging out of the window, and he said "No, but I couldn't get back in"! So he has probably learnt nothing from the experience either. Sometimes I think the safest thing to do would be to put him in an empty room with only a mattress on the floor - at least then there would be nothing for him to hurt himself on, or indeed nothing for him to break (which is his other habit - the wallpaper in his room is hanging off in shreds, the curtains are torn and are constantly being yanked off the rails, if I leave a book in there there is every chance he will tear half the pages out of it, he even has pulled the doors off his wardrobe (in fact he did that last about 3 weeks ago, and it landed on my head and fractured my skull ). It is really getting to me at the moment - probably hormonal!

No ds1 doesn't seem to learn from half killing himself either. No wonder its getting to you. I've been round a friend's house a lot recently and her asd dd is slowly wrecking the place and I know its really getting her down as well.

It's the constant watching isn't it and always having to be one step ahead, and then clearing up yet more mess.

Oakmaiden, this is a horrible for you and I agree with scummymummy about seeking specialist help on safety issues concerning your son. I think it might be useful to have these incidents, and your fears recorded by them too. I'm sure you've seen specialists about your son, but presumably they don't know about this latest developement.

I haven't a clue if the following would work but I'll throw in this suggestion anyway: What would happen if you ask your GP or specialist for more practical help? tell them about your upset and the danger your son was in? I know our local council has a fund for home adaptations (and organises them as well) for people with all sorts of special needs. I assume most councils have something similar. Do you think it would help you to get urgently referred to this service?

Also, have you had a word with the little girl's parents? they were playing a dangerous game and she needs to be told NEVER to encourage your son again. Are they the sort of neighbours you can talk to? Can you alert them to your son's fearlessness and explain your worries? more people who are looking out the better?

I hope you feel OK soon. I really feel for you.

Thnks Tigermoth - I will look into the things you have suggested.

I have spoken to the little girls parents - she is actually great friends with my ds, and her mother is quite a good friend of mine, so it wasn't too awkward. (Although I do hope she didn't feel I was trying to blame her daughter!). It is hard - ds idolises her, actually, and anything she suggests is great as far as he is concerned. So I have asked her mother to have a word. To be honest the thing that bothers me most about the way she behaved is that when ds was hanging from the window by his fingertips, she made no effort to get help - he tells me she just laughed at him. You would have thought that she would have called for her parents, wouldn't you? (She is 6).

My friend has had some appointments with a clinical psychologist for help with behaviour oakmaiden. TBH they haven't been much help. She knows all the general dealing with auti stuff but there isn't much she can do. She has locks on things like the bathroom door that her dd can't reach- also her bedroom, so these places don't get wrecked. Also locks on cupboards, perspex over windows and locks on windows. If he started trying to climb out of his window on a regular basis I would suggest trying a social story but I don't think it would work in a ag eneral beware type situation. Maybe a social story to teach being careful of heights?

I know how you feel about the window incident Oakmaiden .

The windows in our boys rooms have limiters on them which means they do not open wide enough for a child to get through. They're bog standard wooden framed windows and these were added on my the previous owners.

I've nothing practical to suggest about anything else I'm afraid

Ours have limiters, but they are built in upvc frames, and ds can open them, apparently.... They are now locked, despite the weather.

I suppose I hadn't specifically warned him not to climb out of the window, which may be the problem (well, it had never occured to me he might want to! I've always been worried his lack of sense would cause him to fall, but it didn't EVER occur to me he would try to climb out!). He told me that he didn't go downstairs, cos he knew that he wasn't allowed to wander about the house on his own in the early morning. (The motion detector of course enforces this, and keeps most of the house fairly safe from him at night. the only room he can get to is the bathroom, which is kept completely empty of all bar toilet roll and soap)

just spending time trying not to think shudder