Sat here in tears

[TheLadyEvenstar]

My mum has just been on the phone and spent 20 minutes souting at me that I am unfair to DS1. Ok I will try to explain.

As some know he has had challenging behaviour since he was 4 1/2 yrs old he is now 12. We have had a diagnosis of ODD and are going Monday for an appoitment for aspergers assessment.

He is very uncomfortable in social situations, even in school but is also manipulative and can be very smart,in the words of the school "he can play the system".

So Friday we had another appointment at school where it was decided to avoid further detentions he will do an extra 1hr and 20minutes of school a day.
This is to ensure he does his homework or completes school work he hasn't. He is a very intelligent boy but is not showing it in his work anymore.
Also the head has decided to base his work around a subject he enjoys in this example Dr Who, so basically he will write homework out based on a bloody tv charachter!!!! Can't say I am overly pleased about this.

Roll on to yesterday mum phone and I was busy, DS1 took the phone into the hallway and had a whispered conversation with her. I went out for a couple of hours.
This morning mum phoned and asked what DS1 was doing so I said not a lot tbh. She asked if he was behaving and I replied he is just being himself....that was all i said.
Cue her shouting at me that
I was unfair to him,
he is hard done by,
I expect too much,
tere is nothing wrong with him that - freedom,
money and
more recreation time,
time with me,
more things bought for him and
no pressure over school, wouldn't solve.

Now, the reason she said
I was unfair is because he hates rules and therefore she thinks I should remove them - i say differently.

He is hard done by because I make him do his chores - loading dishwasher, clearing floor after he and DS2 finish playing.

I expect too much - because I ask him to think about what he is doing and calmly talk

There is nothing wrong with him - well he is her blue eyed boy who cannot do anything wrong in her eyes, even when she saw him take money off the table in front of me and lie about it she stood up for him and said he didn't.

freedom, - she thinks I should let him go out with school friends - who when they are together in school are known trouble makers.

money I stopped giving him money because he was stealing money from me on top of the £2 a day I was giving him.
more recreation time, he only has 2 chores to do the problem is it can take him 3 hours to load the dishwasher in between the screaming tantrums. Therefore it cuts into time,mum thinks I should do it all myself and not ask him.
time with me,
more things bought for him - he has everything he asks for but appreciates none.

no pressure over school, sorry I can't back off here as he is beginning to slip drastically.

Sorry that probably makes no sense but i am sobbing here.

Star, she won't admit he has a condition.
one way she undermines me, i stopped giving him money as he was stealing more and more so everytime he stays with her she gives him money "so you won't be a burden on mummy" thats not helping!!!

Hang on, she facilitaties his bad behaviour by having him over and letting him suit himself andudnerminign whatever disciplien you attempt to instil - she can't have it both ways. Have you cut down his visits to her since the haircut? tbh I really would n't see her "help" as a positive any longer nor would I share information as she is clearly in denial and unsupportive. It seems he needs more consistency than she is prepared to offer. on your behalf at her rant.

LIZS, he does go a lot less now, I use the excuse of me going out on a friday night so he spends time with DP then.

She just won't accept there is anything "wrong with him" - not how I would describe it, she simply says "Its a phase" well he has been in this same phase for 8 yrs now and I am worn out!!!!

But in the next breath she will be telling my sister to have my youngest nephew tested to see whats wrong with him - because he is so naughty. Only thing wrong with him is he is babied because my sister is never going to have anymore having had 7 miscarriages before having her 2 ds's.

My sympathies. The problem is our parent's generation don't believe in a lot of conditions that children have now.My ds is slightly younger than yours but remarkably similar (have seen some of your other posts). Have had Ados,which was negative,so now have family/friends saying "see,told you there was nothing wrong with him,knew he wasn't autistic!"as if they're experts. 2 EP's and ourselves see loads of AS traits so now waiting for more tests. People don't live with him 24/7 so don't realise how hard things are. Unfortunately,even with a dx,some people are still ignorant and unhelpful. Don't really know what the answer is to be honest.

So you, school, camhs and dp are all being consistent and firm but fair. Blimey, that's really impressive. Hopefully it will start to pay off soon!

And your mum believes your poor ds is being evilly mistreated by everyone in the world bar her, plus she's responsible for protecting him and making you see the error of your ways.... Might there be any way of enticing her into someone's family therapy room (maybe if she thinks they'll back her & tell you off?)

Alternatively, she can labour under her delusions & you can completely refuse to engage with the emotional blackmail (easier said than done). I guess the most imposrtant question for you is whether her genuine and important grandma affection, with overly sympathetic input plus reinforcing of being hard-done-by to ds is going to help or harm him long term.

Possibly naively, I wonder if an AS diagnosis might help.. so you can all unite in blaming an outside factor, and using strategies for the 'ailment' rather than using them 'on' your ds. Will keep fingers firmly crossed.

Have you tried giving your mum information to read on ODD and autism? My mum didnt really understand and would say things like "oh thats just what 6 years old do" and similar things, i give her copies of all reports to read and it has helped her to understand.

Can i ask a question, why does ds1 clear the floor after he and ds2 have been playing, couldnt they both do it?

Claw, yes they both do it.

mum understandsODD and Aspergers/autism as she works in a school and works with the SEN pupils and has done for 17yrs

Claw meant to say DS2 also has chores, he helps with the washing machine lol

Thats good that they both have chores, no matter how small, stops resentment.

Having experiencing is not quite the same as having an understanding. My own mum, my older brother had autism!

Ive lots count of the number of teachers/TA's who have had 15 years 'experience' of working with ASD and not understood ds or autism at all.

I grew up with a brother with autism and didnt really understand it until i started reading about it!

"Now, the reason she said
I was unfair is because he hates rules and therefore she thinks I should remove them - i say differently."

Have you not been down this (very unsuccessful) path with CAMHS before? Or am I thinking of someone else? Sorry if so.

Sadly she sounds like the kind of person who, even with every report under the sun sat in front of her, will be in denial - like certain relatives of mine.

Not much advice I can give except to go easy on yourself today as you will probably need all the emotional energy you can muster for Monday.

Really feel for you , I don't get much usefull help fron any family members, but most of them are quick to judge my parenting. My mum took 15 years to recognise that Dd1 has issues.
Sorry not much help, but I do get what you are saying.

Would this article help?

Thats a great article, I think I will print it out. I wonder if she wrote one for HT's too.

Ladyeven, it sound like you are being a great mum, and not taking the easy option. It's a shame your own mum can't support you.

I really don't know why so many women have such problems with their mums, but all the SN mums I know are having similar trials. It's so unfair when you really need their support.

that line 'so you're not a burden on mummy' makes my blood boil. there's so much that's negative in that one line...I hope it's not one he remembers.

Starlight's given some good advice, but I'm just feeling angry for you. ( and the rest of us ) bloody hell, sometimes, I want MY mum to tell me it's going to be allright and give me a hug, oh shit now I'm in tears too...

Lauree,

Today has been a day from hell. What with my mum and then DS1 being on one ALL day long.
But 2 really odd things happened.

Last week I went out and when I came back i put my keys on the table. Well I couldn't find them the next day...DS1 had said to me previous to me going out "If you don't have your keys you can't go"

Well I simply used DP's copy.

Then this morning that key was on the window sill, DS1 went to the shop (trying to get him to follow simple tasks iyswim?) and while he was gone i went to pick up DP's key which I have been using, and it was gone.

So DS1 came back, I had to go shopping and couldn't with no key. DS2 says to me "DS1 has key in pocket mummy" he denied it and I left it at that. About 10 minutes later he walked over to the window sill and when he came away - the key was there!!!

Then this afternoon - my key from the table which was missing turned up on the table where i had left it originally!!!

I must add he has had a thing about taking keys for years.

so, he wants you to stay home.
and he's decided to start giving you the keys back.....

maybe he's learned to trust you'll come home??

suggest getting one of those things medieval ladies used to wear around their waists a chatelaine? that would put an end to it!

Lauree, I had to laugh at that. until 7 weeks ago I never went anywhere without him,DS2 and DP...well the shop. But the key thing has been going on for years.