RL friends vs other SN mums...?

[missworld2010]

Was a bit sad last night after going out to a friend's house with another mum when they didn't really seem to want to hear me talk about my dd2 and the worry I have over schooling for her. I've been trying to work our whether it's just because they're a bit busy with work and can't worry about someone else's life, of if they just don't really know what to say about it all. I wasn't really looking for advice from them though, would have just liked to get it off my chest!

Also, one of them insisted quite strongly that I'd be mad to send my DD2 to the same school as my DD1, as it's a middle of the road mainstream school that doesn't have a good track record for dealing with SN. I'm finding that decision difficult enough as it is, didn't really need to have her strong opinion forced on me (well not unless she had the magic correct answer of where best to send her).

Am I being unreasonable??!

Its hard isn't it. I have got some lovely mum friends but sometimes find it hard to talk about my DD's problems with them and if they make a suggestion I can get quite defensive and start worrying that they have been discussing me behind my back.

I would be upset too at what that mum said, it is hard enough making these decisions and to have someone just act like anything is the obvious solution is patronising.

My DD is an only but Iam having the whole school dilemma at the moment too.

My friends have done a lot of reassuring too, it hasn't always helped especially when they say things about their nt children as in well she would do that too its normal.

I generally don't discuss it with my RL friends unless they ask us to do something and we cannot do it because of the ASD. Most don't realise what way of life we have, the weird hours I keep, the weird stuff we have to do.

Why should they?

I do inwardly seethe a bit when they are crowing about their NT kids. However, I do know that all kids have their own set of problems, SN, NT whatever. And FWIW I don't think their little dears are a patch on my chap, who is a happy (is a little kooky) chap 80% of the time. We don't get whining either! (yet...)

I am lucky enough to have a friend in RL with an ASD kid. It's great to chat and compare notes with her.

I think a lot of the problem is that there are standard responses to these conversations in NT-land. If someone says: "ooh I'm really worried about DD1's speech" in NT-land, the only acceptable response is "oh, don't be silly, she's fine". That's the reassurance the concerned parent is looking for when they ask that question, and that's the only socially acceptable answer to give.

And when parents discuss schooling in NT-land it's against a background where there is quite a lot of choice, and if choice is limited then throwing money at the problem will work instead. So if a school isn't "good enough" the only acceptable solution is to go find one that is. They have never had a "schools" conversation where the other parent is trying to choose between two not-very-good alternatives and make the best of it.

As soon as you start talking about genuine problems with development, behaviour, school - suddenly NT parents are off the map, and no, they don't know what to say. The really good ones just listen and nod and say, dumbly "I don't know how you cope". Which doesn't make for much of a conversation but I can see they don't know what else to say. The crappier ones change the subject or just carry on as normal with all the NT platitudes which are completely inappropriate.

Tbh, if I want to have a real 2-way conversation about this stuff (as opposed to just offloading on someone) I have to talk to someone else in SN-land.