Ok, ds pilfered something today, how would you deal with it?

[HitGirlGrownUp]

Ds (7) ASD, very high functioning, took a small toy from a Soft Play Centre today. He was quite open about it afterwards, didn't try to hide it or sneak about. When I asked him why he said, because I knew you wouldn't buy it for me. The reason I wouldn't buy it for him was that I had just that morning ordered a book off Amazon for him.

I told him that tommorrow we will take it back and own up, he started crying and said "but they won't let me in again if we do that". We have left it for now and will talk again tommorrow.

But how would you deal with this, don't want to go OTT but really do want to get the message through. Thinking about taking it back but know that will really stress him out and also not letting him have the book from Amazon when it arrives.

So any ideas on best way to handle this? Thanks.

I am a soft cow, but for a first offence I would hope that an ASD/developmentally appropriate stern talking too would be enough of a deterrent - i.e. not make too much of it. Could you take it back without him?

Yes, phew, that is what I wanted to do and then come home and say something like "we were all very sad that you took that toy but then they (workers at soft play) thought you did a very good thing by owning up and sending it back." Like I say didn't want to make a massive big deal out of it. I remember being shamed beyond belief for taking a pencil home from school as a child and I was NT, my Mum marched me back the next day and made me fess up. It was horrifying. I was only about 5.

Call first and explain. get the name of who you spoke to & make sure they know about his difficulties. Then ideally have him bring the toy back, but if the distress is too much have him write (or dictate, or sign) a sorry letter & send it off with said item by post instead.

If the worker you speak to is kind/ sensible / compliant, having a word on the next visit, calling to check receipt, or getting them to post an enclosed acknowledgement will let your ds feel the apology was accepted & he can safely go back to the soft play.

Cross posted, other ideas sound great

I would make him take it back and apologise.

I don't think it's the right thing to do to try to protect him from the consequences of his actions.

If he is made to return it, then he may remember how that felt and think twice about doing it again.

I don't know Hecate he is having a really tough time at school atm, he misses his Dad (we are separated) and his beloved Grand Parents have just gone back abroad again, if all this wasn't on his plate I would probably do as you say but I don't want to pile more on to him iyswim but I also realise it is very important to send a message on this, its a good age for him to learn.

It does sound like he's having it tough. I'm sorry to hear that.

I just think that stealing is such a bad thing that it is something that you really have to have a zero tolerance on. And make them face the consequences of.

I agree . Will sleep on it.

Ds once took himself off to a campsite shop and took a packet of crisps. Luckily we caught him coming back (he couldn't open them on his own at that point) and marched him straight back to the shop to return them. He is non-verbal so we just told the owners we were returning them, apologised and left (they were fine about it, they knew he had autism). Ds was distraught for about 20 mins and I wasn't really sure if he'd understood what had happened, but he must have done because he hasn't done anything like it since. It was horrible at the time but now I'm glad because I can always trust him in shops not to touch things.

Well he woke up with horrible cold today and had the worst meltdown ever, smashed up his room and so on .

Going to take him back in when he feels better and ask him to give it back, while saying sorry but will give him loads of reassurance about how he has "turned it around" etc.