ok at school, but not at home?

[thisisyesterday]

hi everyone

have posted before about my ds1 and got some great advice from you all.
I feel that he shows a lot of signs of having aspergers. we have seen GP and school and having trouble moving forward

school say there is no problem. they say he is fine there. they dismiss a lot of my worries by saying "lots of children do that"

what i'm wondering about is the fact that he is ok at school. is it possible for a child with aspergers or something similar to be able to get through school with no outward issues? but to be awful at home?

my only explanation for this is that when people he doesn't know so well ask him to do stuff he does tend to just do it- unquestioningly. he will do things that actually would normally quite upset him- i am not sure why

for example, he said to me not long ago "i didn't used to like nursery did i?" when i asked why not he said "i didn't really like their dinners"
now, he did used to eat all sorts of stuff there that he didn't like eating at home. and he used to clear his plate. every day.
it's kind of like he knows certain things are expected of him and he is too scared not to comply.

so, with school right now i think it's a combination of liking the routine and structure. and this kind of habit of putting up with things even if you don't like them that he has developed.
he has always been the kind to withdraw and go very quiet if someone he didn't know too well told him off or anything

sorry, this is really rambling isn't it? i guess what i am asking is whether his good behaviour at school automatically rules out things like aspergers. they seem to think that if he had asd then he wouldn't be able to help himself and would behave the same at school as he does at home...

any thoughts?

Theres quite a few people on here at the moment talking about children being different at school and home, I think its a common issue. If you have serious concerns about your child, don't wait for school to refer him, go to your gp with some examples of what you are worried about and ask for a referal. Hope that helps
Your could read some of the other threads if you haven't already, theres lots of advice on them.

I echo what Ineed says. Have seen loads of threads about this so would seem to be quite common. Compliant at school but storing everything up for when they get home. My ds is difficult in both areas however but all AS dc's are different. Suggest you make a list of all that's worrying you and request a referral.

Google Tony Attwood. he's written lots about children with AS hiding their difficulties at school. He has mostly identified girls as doing it but has acknowledged that some boys do it too.

The problem is that keeping this all under wraps is not good for them and can cause long term mental health issues. My dd is 13 and was dx'd last year. She's also being medicated for anxiety disorder which is a result of all the years of anxiety in school.

We've just had a proposed statement and the accompanying reports quote Tony Attwood's description of children covering up their difficulties in order to fit in with what is expected of them.

thanks, we've been to the GP twice now, they said they'd prefer the school to refer, but it seems that the school won't.

i was just worried about going back to the GP if the school won't back up what I am saying iyswim? and it did get me wondering whether it was all in my head!!!

I will have a google for tony attwood, and make another appt to see GP and ask if she will refer me direct

This is the sort of thing which depends very much on the open-mindedness of the professionals you come across.

I've been lucky enough to deal with an ed psych and a CAMHS service who believe what I am saying and recognise the impact that school has on my DD1 at home. Unfortunately the school have spent a year blaming her refusal to attend on inept parenting. Her mental health problems were quite extreme by the time CAMHS and the ed psych became involved which helped my case no end.

For DD2 who is only 7 and also hiding things the ed psych has dismissed all my concerns out of hand but the school have been brilliant.

It's a kind of lottery. Focus on working with the professionals who listen to you. Try not to waste too much time and energy on being angry with those who don't.

You need to grow a thick skin, get used to pushing professionals to do what you know is needed and put those self-doubts to one side. It is really common to question yourself when your child goes through a good patch - even after diagnosis. Deep down you know your own child so stick to your guns.

Good luck with the GP.

thanks so much. I had a talk with dp last night- he doesn;t like to talk to much because it makes him feel upset that there could be something wrong with ds1.
but we had a chat and he agreed that some of the descriptions of behaviour on the tony attwood site are just ds1 to a T
so i am feeling a lot more positive about going back to the GP and asking her to refer us to whoever it is we need referring to!
I saw a different GP last time I went and she seemed really nice and was willing to back me for a referral via the school. so hopefully she will understand that school are really not playing ball right now and we can get the ball rolling this way.

this is yesterday

Can concur with Starlight's response here.

If GP continues to be unhelpful (and you don't need a referral from the school!) see another GP and if they continue to be unhelpful seek out another GP practice to work with.

Your DS need to see a developmental paediatrician as a matter of course. In any event I would strongly recommend that you apply for a Statement of special needs for him asap and particularly before he gets into Secondary school (many children on the autistic spectrum can find secondary school nigh on impossible to cope with particularly if there is no real support).

My ds managed to keep a lid on his ASD all through infants school. His teachers refused to recognise there was a problem and his behaviour at home worsened as the years went on. The teachers had me convinced there was nothing wrong with him, he was fine at school and so any problems we were having at home with him must be down to our parenting.

It was only when he started Juniors in year 3 (well actually when they started preparing them for transition in year 2) that things went downhill for him at school. He simply couldn't cope with the new structure (lots of different teachers rather than just one class teacher etc), less 'managing' by the teachers for self-organisation etc and the level of pressure that comes with being expected to remember things and organise himself. That plus the changing peer/social situation, led to him having the most awful year, his achievement sliding and him ending the year suffering from severe anxiety.

We went to the GP the Autumn that he started Juniors, as his distress and lack of coping were instantly obvious. We were referred to a Paediatrician, whom we saw the following January and who gave us a dx of ASD following our first appointment. He referred us on to the local specialist multi-disciplinary assessment team and we have been told we should be at the top of the waiting list next April.

The start of this year (year 4) was even worse than last year and I have had to get tough and fight our corner hard to get ds the support he needs. Fortunately this seems to have paid off, the school has upped their game and he is now, a few weeks on, a much happier little boy.

You know your ds best and if you feel in your heart that there is something there that needs checking out, I would push hard to get it done now. Things will only get harder for him at school and, in our area at least, waiting lists for assessment our far longer in the over 8 age group than they are in the younger age group.

thank you all so much, for taking the time to reply and for even looking up my other posts and noticing how long this has been dragging on for!
i guess the whole being fine at school thing has been a bit of a red herring, and is what has kept me from pushing it with the GP sooner.
I am also not naturally a pushy person, but I guess I'll have to learn to be, esp where school is concerned.

moosemama, I am glad your ds seems happier now. all i want for mine is that he is happy both at school and at home and that we can figure out how to help him with the things he struggles with.

I am going to get on the phone to GP monday morning and make an appointment and hopefully we'll get the ball rolling

Good to hear that thisisyesterday. Remember you have a thick skin and you are the world expert on your own child.

yeah i have a list actually and as I say, after I saw her last she did say she could understand my concerns and would write a letter of support if necessary.
so i think that she will do the referral for me, if i can get an appt with her that is, she is very popular!

yeah he;ll be fine, i think it will just take him time to get over thinking "oh no, there is something wrong with my child" to realising that he's still the exact same boy he has always been, and that this is good if it helps us deal with his behaviour and makes him happier

got an appt for thurday morning with the nice GP! will update one i've spoken to her

thanks again :)

Hope it goes well

well appt was ok. GP said she had rung the school herself and got told the headmistress would ring her back, then rang again when she heard nothing... never did get to speak to her

anyway she has said she will find out who it's best to refer him to. apparently the children's mental health team are really strict about meeting certain criteria when they get referrals and stuff so it might be an appt with the community paediatrician first. but mental health if she can get them to accept the referral!

Child Development Paed is the right person to be referred to in my county. ASD isn't a mental health problem - it's a development issue (That can bring mental health issues with it).

So keep pushing for the paed appt.

My paed's been very good - and the mental health team absolutely useless...

ahhh ok, yes she did say she would look into who was the best to refer too... so hopefully we'll end up at the right place!!!