need some help with dd2, please

[silverfrog]

right.

well, dd2 is 3.7, and I am just not sure what to do with/about her.

compared to dd1, she seems quite clearly NT, but then dd1 is severely ASD.

so, if I tell you lots of stuff about dd2, can you tell me what you think?

she is verbal, very verbal, with an advanced language/understanding.

she cannot control her volume at all - seems not to notice she is shouting.

a lot of the time she cannot control her emotions either. she is very over-sensitive to the slightest little thing, and goes into meltdown really easily (and I do mean meltdown, not tantrum)

she has a huge need for routine (and I don't think this has arisen purely due to dd1, and us having routines in the house). try to change the routine, and you get meltdown. but once the routine has been altered, and she has seen it si ok, then that is the new routine, and change it at your peril.

on the face of it, her imaginative play stuff seems ok, but if you look (a little) closer, it is really all scripted. if you suggest flexing the script, then she cannot cope -tantrums at the least.

she will not toilet train . she knows what to do, where to do ti, and has had success. but will not wear pants (the thoguht really stresses her out), and cannot bear the thoguht of accidents (there has never been an issue with accidents, btw. dd1 still ha poo accidents, all handled in a low-key, neutral manner). we get so far down the training line, and she refuses to carry on. seemingly cannot accept the thought of the change that needs to happen.

she is a fussy eater (well, in some ways. she eats what she eats, and wil not change, but what she does eat is not very typical of a faddy eater - eg she had a plate of hummous, carrots, pate and tomatoes for lunch. but will not eat carrots with any other meal)

she has an extreme need to control situations (this may have been learnt form dd1, hard to tell) - eg (and this is just one example, out of many that happen each day):

me: ok, I'll get some pear
dd2: no! no pear! NOOOOOOOO! I DON'T WANT PEAR!
me: ok, dd2, no pear for you (and please don't shout, speak nicely)

dd2: PEAR! PEEEAAARRRRR! I WANT PEAR! PEAR!
me: ok, I can bring some if you want it.

dd2: NOOOOOO! NO PEAR! I DON@T LIIIIIKKKKKE PEAR

me: ok, I can take it away.
dd2: NOOOO! I WANT PEAR!

and it goes on. she can do this over anything - helping with the laundry/dishwasher, colouring, going out/staying in, TV on or TV off - you name it.

That makes her sound really spoilt, and demanding, but honestly, she is genuinely upset over something, and she has been like this since she was about 10 months old.

when she is not in one of these oppositional moods, she is a real delight. helps with everyhting, is funny, gorgeous, polite. she always wants to help cook tea, clear away, you name it.

oh I don't know - is she just being 3?

my gut instinct - given language etc seems OK, go somewhere holistic like bibic to check out sensory/processing type issues, maybe private OT (as well as starting on the snail's pace NHS referral process)does she go to nursery/preschool

thanks, TC.

yes, i could take her to BIBIC, I suppose. we have wondered a lot about trying for a private dx 9some days I am in little doubt that there would be a dx at the end of it; others I am equally sure it is "just" pre-schooler stuff)

she does go to pre-school, yes. 3 sessions a week. she was extremely anxious to start off (during the holidays) at the thought of it.

one by one we tackled the issues, talked it all through.

the day came to go, and she went straight in and loved it.

she loves her key worker, with a passion

ooh tricky one.
When she is referring to a pear, could she in fact be meaning something else but doesn't have the vocabulary to back up her demands?

I did used to think that, when she was a baby (but was probably clutching at straws even then)

she has a huge vocab, always has done. her first word was dinosaur - the names of all the different types (it was an obsession of dd1's at the time!) - this was at 12 months or so.

and that was just one example - she can behave like that over anything at all.

I think it is because she is resisting a change (eg, if I suggested we do drawing now - she never does drawing after tea), but might actually like to do the activity, but can't becasue it's "wrong" to do so

so, she would shriek "NOOOOOO!" because it feels wrong to her.

if I gently encourage, she digs in more.

if I agree (nicely, no pressure), she shrieks "YESSSSSS!" because, as wrong as it feels, she does actually want to do it.

agree to that, and it's back to "NOOOOO!"

and so on.

and on.

or maybe she's just a stroppy mare who is always spoiling for a fight

No I kind of understand where you are coming from.
Would reverse psychology help?

Reverse psychology no good, nor not engaging. TO results in her screaming for the opposite, not engaging means she gets hysterical because she "can't hear you mummy"

She cannot transition at all - we've just had half an hour of screaming because she had to stop painting to have tea (plus paper was full, picture finished etc)

She cannot cope with changes of plan at all (wtf going to shops in a different order), and tries to set.out the whole days routine whenever possible.

Starlight: wrt need to control being manipulative, therefore not a controlling, ASD need - dd1 is the e,pert to end all experts in manipulative control. Her need is to control me in particular, make me say something, make me react in any way. Her reading of social cues/facial gestures (and non-verbal communication of any sort, eg clenching teeth, tightening of facial muscles, under the breath sighs, is unbelievable considering how autistic she is) , so I'm not sure that manipulation in dd2 is something to see as non-asd.

Oh, I don't know.

But I approach dd2 in a similar way to dd1 in that I know she needs handling, iyswim. I need to plan out a situation for her, and think through variables in the same way.

So I guess there is something going on on some level.

Sorry, RP results in her screaming, not TO