I don't understand this at all -and I know it will sound stupid.

[TheLadyEvenstar]

I am waiting for an assessment for DS1 for aspergers. Now I don't understand aspergers fully, but have been told it atm appears he is high functioning, this is without an official dx. Ok, I accept that - tbh I find reading about anything online maddening as all the text begins to jumble (bad eyesight lol).

Anyway I have 2 things that really I just don't understand.

DS1 goes fishing with DP - he is a pleasure to be with then by all accounts. Sits still and concentrates -for longer than usual. And really enjoys himself. Apparently he is very calm as well. Now I know he doesn't manage to sit still the whole time but he manages to stay put longer.

The other thing which has really confused me is today DS1 has gone on a school trip with 18 other pupils. They have gone to another school 3 hours away to observe the way the teachers work/teach and comment on it. He is part of a pupil forum and in the words of the school "Shows excellent leadership skills" - now what I am confused about is everything points to aspergers but I don't understand how he can be able to show such leadership skills if he has it. I know that this evening he will be like a time bomb waiting to go off because he has had a long day.

I am also worried sick how he is going to cope being thrown into a new school even if it is just for one day.

My son is also waiting for his multi-disciplinary assessment, but has a diagnosis of ASD from the Paediatrician he saw last January.

He can be very calm and concentrate on things - as long as they are things that he is very interested in and keen to do and if the environment in calm, quiet and not overstimulating.

As for leadership. People with ASD can be very autocratic and come across as blunt/rude/bossy/demanding. This obviously has lots of disadvantages, but if others are willing to follow him and do as he directs them, it could also be construed in some siutations as good leadership skills. It might not win him any friends, but as a life-skill it could be turned to his advantage. I would say, just based on personal experience, a fair few bosses I've had in the past have probably had high functioning ASD. It worked to their advantage, because they liked things to be done a certain way and were very directive in their interpersonal skills, so able to make sure things went their way.

I also panic every time my ds has to do some extra-curricular stuff, but he usually copes better than I think he will while he's there and then lets all his stress out when he gets home.

Moose,

Thankyou for that. I probably panic too much tbh.

So basically the things I have described can and do go hand in hand and make sense?

Oh well tonight I won't be here as I have a weekly meeting with other parents of challenging children. Only thing is i got frustrated last week because their children are not only older than DS1 but they have only had problems with them for 2-6 months and some are already ready to give up!!!

hopefully I might be able to help with this one.. Ds2 (asd/as.. The reason I right asd/as is because ds is on the line between aspergers and HFA.. All down to lanuguage when he was younger was not overly delayed, but he does have a few more classic or harder traits of autism.. So his dx has stayed on the borderline.. Hope that makes sense).

with regard to fishing.. :) he obviously likes fishing, probably finds it calming and he doesn't have to cope with the social bits. which is why he can sit longer.. And probably comes back home in an okay state :)
AS children do seem to be able to focus on things they like for ages!

leadership skills.. Again ds is often put on things by school where he has to observe and give his opinion.. he has spoken to local council members, the mayor, governors etc etc all to give his opinion.
This is basically because he is good at logic and rules and has the verbal ability to connect those together and give quite a good apprasal.( sp) which is normally at a higher spoken level than his peers ( a bit little professer). To him this skill is just logical.
School have put him in for these things, because not only is it good for him ( his peers will let him know when to stop talking etc), but it is good for the other pupils, and his opinions can really open up a good discussion.
it doesn't suprise me one bit that your ds shows good leadership skills.. what the school maybe nurturing is a bit of theory of mind by putting him in with groups of other pupils so he can see others points of view working.. He is very likely to be great at rules and controlling through rules and this if nurtured with a bit of ToM can be a great advantage.

The fact that you are a bit on edge about his return home today just tells me that he does keep a lid on not coping whilst at school/ other stressful environments.. But doe know that it is safe to let it out at home... lots and lots of our children do this.

( how many times on here have you seen posters say.." but school say they see nothing, yet the issues at home don't suggest that is the case!"
it's because the dc's keep a lid on it most of the time and go boom when they get back!.. A quick suggestion here for a home exploder.. Have something they can jump on, punch, kick.. Or use ripping cloths.. So they can get it out of their system, before you settle for the evening. Ds2 likes to run .. And uses ripping cloths.. for ten or so minutes after he gets changed from school.. It really helps).

No problem.

If that group isn't meeting your needs, you could try looking at here on the National Autistic Society website. You can search for services in your area by postcode. H just put 'support group' into the search box and it will pull up anything relevant in your area.

We found a really good local support group on there, that actually meets at my son's school, which is just across the road from us, yet we'd never heard of.

Thanks Ladies I have not been ignoring the thread, I have a friend here.

Arsenic - you have just described my ds2 to a tee!! He has been discharged from the paed (but can be re-referred at anytime), but he is unofficially diagnosed and is to be treated as such at school. So school are being great and keeping things on an even keel for him. The paed's view that an official diagnosis isn't always in the best interests of the child in the longer term.
For dd, a dx was most definitely necessary, but ds certainly doesn't need a statement as long as he is understood. It's working well for now, but he's only six so time will tell!

Ladyevenstar - your post has made me feel like I'm most definitely not imagining things re ds2 who also has AS.

I walked out of the group 40 minutes early tonight, I made my excuses and left.

Basically I found it very hard to sit there and listen to a group of people who have, barr one, been dealing with their 14,15,16,17,18 yr olds bad behaviour/crime related behaviour for 2- 12 months and want to give up. Then be told about spending "Special Time" with our children and if they only grunt in reply to us speaking then to accept that because eventually the parent/child relationship will be repaired. DS1 and I do have a brilliant relationship BUT his behaviours are the problem not the relationship. So I asked
"What if you have been doing those things for years and unless you promt, nudge, guide, lead the conversation you get silence"

The reply was

"Well as we said some can't be changed because of a medical problem, which we cannot help with but you will learn there is another way of doing things"

I got really tearful ended up walking out to the toilet and was sobbing. I then made my excuses and left.

So sorry you were upset at your meeting.

If it helps, I don't happen to agree that children with ASD can't be changed. They can and do learn all the time, in fact by virtue of having ASD in the first place they have had to be very adaptive and resourceful since birth and this means they've had to learn ways of coping/dealing with things very often of their own volition from a very young age.

Once we become aware of their difficulties and the specific areas in which they need help (and despite the fact that they all have ASD, they are still individuals, so this will vary from child to child) we can then do everything in our power to get them the help and support they require to develop the skills they will need as they go through their lives.

Yes, sometimes we/they do need to circumvent the so called 'normal' ways of doing things to help them get from a to b, but that doesn't preclude them from learning better ways of handling their anger/anxiety/stress or from learning the social rules of society so they can perhaps fit in a little better and feel less isolated. As I said, each child is an individual and will vary in how much they can learn/change in each area of difficulty, but each child can/will make progress, especially with a mother, like yourself, who cares enough to find out what he/she needs and fight for them to get it. The very fact that you make the effort to attend these meetings shows that your ds has the best chance of a bright future.

If your group is for challenging children, rather than ASD, perhaps it would help for you to find an ASD related support group, where you might find other parents who are going through similar things to yourself and your ds.

We've only recently found our local group and it was such a relief to realise we would finally be able to talk to someone that understood and be able to ask questions of more experienced parents who had been there before and could make some feasible suggestions for possible ways forward iyswim.

A bit like this board really, only in rl.

I am still tearful. I feel compelled to attend these meetings because everyone says "Tles you can bring so much to the group" But at the same time....I am seriously wondering what they group can give to me when others have children so much older and are attending through court orders in some cases, I feel I am in the wrong place iyswim?

DS1 is not behaving that way because he is not allowed to roam the streets, he is not allowed out with friends, he does go to many places but with family. These meetings are held and tonight we were told to let our DC have more freedom/independance to show them we trust them....Far enough for a 14,15,16,17 yr old but DS1 is only just 12 and more than likely is ASD. Would I trust him in the streets alone? no I wouldn't. So why do they want me to?? I cannot make a square peg fit a round hole fgs

Ultimately, its up to you whether or not you want to carry on attending. The 'there's so much you can bring to the group' sounds a bit like emotional blackmail to me though.

In your current situation, awaiting diagnosis etc, you have enough to deal with and I personally would concentrate on finding help and support for myself and my own ds and worry about giving back later, when I had more experience and therefore more to offer. But that's just me and I maybe am selfish. I only know how exhausted and wrung out I get and know that I don't have enough resources at the moment to be of much use to anyone else.

It does sound like they don't have much to offer you in relation to the issues you have with your ds. If its really that far off the mark, then I honestly would look around for a more appropriate group that can offer you better support and advice. Have you checked out my link from earlier on?