Reception class - how does yours deal with tears?

[debs40]

Ok, I'm a bit upset and annoyed and looking for a bit of perspective.

I have a 4 year old who has just started school.

I also have a 7 year old so I'm not a PFB'er!

DS2 has done two weeks of half days and started full days for the first time this weel.

He has been very happy so far and seemed to be enjoying things.

Today, he went into class, did his jobs (putting water bottle and book bag away) kissed me, said goodbye and off I went.

I'd only got half way down the corridor when he ran out after me crying and saying he didn't want to go to school.

I picked him up, cuddled him and took him back to class.

The teacher and TA were in there. Both just stared at me and the teacher got on with settling everyone on the carpet.

I walked over to the TA with DS2 in my arms and sat down while he continued to cry. She made no effort to reassure him - she just said 'why's he crying, what's happened, he seemed fine before'.

In the end, I suggested I take him outside which I did and the TA followed. I tried to calm DS2 down and reassure him but I made it completely clear that i would have to go.

Another mum came past us and said 'it might be a case of drop and leave' so TA says 'oh yes' and tries to drag him off me. Cue more screaming.

So TA is standing there with no idea what to do. Teacher is in class. I'm sat with a screaming child. TA keeps saying 'I don't know why he's like this' so I end up saying 'he's 4 and just started school'. It's not rocket science!

I had to suggest I remove him to reception to calm him and bring him back. TA looks at me like I'm a loon. I tell her it will take as long as it takes but he will settle and I am not having him dragged off screaming.

It took me 2 minutes. He was just a bit overwhelemed at the thought of another day. I get him back to class, suggest a friend comes out of class to take him in and that was that.

All through this, the teacher did NOTHING. Zero. Not even a word of comfort.

The TA was clueless.

Their only startegy to physically drag him off.

Seriously, this is poor isn't it? He's a quiet gentle boy who just needed a bit of reassurance from an adult. It seemed like a bit of a missed opportunity to provide it. Instead the attitude was 'look away children' and ignoring him like it was bad behaviour.

Isn't this to be expected for 4 year olds and shouldn't they have some idea of how to cope?

I should have added that DS1 (Aspergers) has been a bit unsettled in the mornings of late so DS2 is being pushed out of the way more than should happen for a child who has just started school

Sometimes just a word from teh teacher is enough to make them feel not so alone... she could of just called him over to her, invited him to sit with her, or the TA or a friend... tried anything really.

Your poor ds & poor you. Can youa rrange for the TA to take him in, tomorow , just so that he has a little reassurance from an adult.
He is only 4 you are right its prefectly normal, the teacher will regret not sorting it because once one child starts with morning tears quite often they all join in

I think that's really mean- going back to school is quite intense for them- they're already starting to get tired from being there every day and they're only little!
Ignoring him or making it seem like bad behavior isn't exactly going to encourage him to go in beaming tomorrow is it?

don't know what all the dodgy spelling and extra apostrophe's are all about - sorry!

Well, as hard as this sounds this happens a lot
In my experience as a teacher, the tears usually stop the minute they can't see mummy. It is horrible though.

If this continues you need to discuss a strategy with the teacher. I let kids bring in a cuddly toy from home as a 'friend' for a bit.

If it's any consolation (though I doubt it will be) my ds (6 and in year 1) sometimes has to be peeled off me and cries for about an hour afterwards. Makes me feel like crap but if I gave in then I'd never get him in school again.

I'd have felt very let down by that. DD2 used to get upset very often and the TA would lead us out into the library next to the classroom, talk gently and cheerfully to DD2 about the plans for the day and wait patiently until she was ready to leave me.

I'm a childminder and sometimes suggest that mums of toddlers leave fairly quickly but only when the toddler has been with me for a good long time and I know he or she is happy in my setting and the parent sticking around is just prolonging the agony.

It takes experience to know what to do which this TA clearly does not have. I'd just take the lead from now on and do what you think is right for your DS2.

Thanks you guys.

It is so hard because, of course, with DS1 and his Aspie ways, I've always had to more involved than I would want to and we have had lots of attempts at school refusal.

My experience with DS1 and with other children at the school is that they are really poor on this type of thing - children are just dismissed as 'clingy' which of course is the parents' problem.

I am expecting that they will ring at some point so I will say that I was surprised that they were so surprised by tears from a 4 year old and that he really just needed a bit of reassurance. Sad they don't see that as being as important as phonics.

But spinkle, I didn't give in and he didn't cry for an hour. I took 5 mins to settle him when I could tell they were thinkiing I needed to go.

Yet, by my actions they got a reassured child into class and the crying stopped quite quickly.

He got the message. Mum will hug you but she will go.

But he also got the message 'don't bother teacher with this'

If I'd done the 'drop and leave' and let him cry for an hour, what would that have achieved for anyone? Especially when they don't know this child from adam.

there have been a lot of tears this week outside dd3s reception class, must be that point in the term! Generally the teacher or TA takes them in chatting away about the fun things they will be doing that day and have you seen your friend over there, ooh look at the cars/trains/home corner, distraction all the way with lots of reassurance and smiles.

ds1 (nt) cried every morning for most of his reception year always stopped as soon as I left. Sorry it's been crap for your ds2.

I know my child Star. He isn't stupid and he doesn't cry to manipulate me because we talk about things and I can always reason with him.

This was unusual behaviour. He clearly just had a momentary wobble.

However, it is entirely normal behaviour for children when they start school - it can even happen in nursery where they get much more 1:1

This situation is down to the TA and teacher because they should have a better idea of what to do.

For the life of me, I can't see what the lack of basic pastoral care has got to do with some children's lack of language and independence skills both of which all parties acknowledge he has in abundance.

I think that's thr trouble Star - they think they know what I'm like because of my experience with DS1. If you don't understand Asperger's, it is very easy to think that parents are tryig to speak for their child without udnerstanding that children with AS need extra support at achieving independence.

I had actually left the class and he was fine but he ran out after me which is very unusual - although no one stopped or noticed that.

Star and the fact that they tell you when something is wrong makes everything so different too.

I have a special arrangement to drop DS1 off early. I help DS1 with his stuff. His teacher is always there early and is a good bloke who is always ready for a word and a quick listen to any worries.

Then I take DS2 down, let him put his stuff away, plonk him on the carpet, don't exhange words with the teacher and leave him.

He must notice the difference - surely??

I think that is natural to have a lack of trust with a school if you have had to fight with them before for another child who has SEN.
I would also be concerned if my child ran out of a class unnoticed.

In my children's school parents are allowed into the classroom for the first few weeks, the aim is to start playing an activity with their child and when they are happily engaged to disappear which makes it easier.

However your child just ran out of class unnoticed (this should be questioned as it is a security matter) and I don't see why at this early stage that you were not allowed into class to help calm him down and get him settled. Another child would have soon come over and asked him to play.

With the slightly older children it is normal for children who are upset in my children's school to be taken by the hand by a TA or a teacher into class. I think it's to minimize fuss and not to make it into too big a deal for a child who may get more and more anxious. I don't think this is a good strategy with the Reception children however.

Thanks Wasuup. We are allowed in the classroom to drop them off to get them to put their things away and settle on the carpet. I did this with DS and then he ran after me.

I think you are right about the trust. I left with the TA promising to ring me as I said I could come up at lunchtime to DS. Of course, no one has rung and I'm sure no one would even mention his upset to me. I will have to go and speak to them.

I agree about older children but even then he can be really difficult when children refuse or tie themselves round their parents.

I always think children will generally go to an adult they feel comfortable with.

I mean I have had when babysitting for friends. I would never go over and pull a child off but would attempt to coax and distract and make something I was doing look really interesting. Then mum can do a runner!

Why do schools make something so straightforward seem such an issue?

I think the difference between settling on a carpet and engaging in an activity is an important one. Can't see why they don't let the kids play first, theres time for carpet sitting later.

There's no wonder he's crying if they're that hard on him :(

I've had on and off separation issues with DS1 since he was in reception. We did quickly suss that drop and leave (or rather prise my limbs out of his grasp and leg it - after a kiss, of course!) was the best way for him, but then, he'd always have someone there to help him settle. Even now, in year 2, he's having some major wobbles. His teacher is struggling to get past suggesting he's being naughty (in front of him, too ), but his new TA is brilliant at very quickly getting down to his level and engaging him with a little job or some play. Once I'm not there to plead with, he quickly gives up, anyhow.

I know. I just popped up to school, because I had said I would take DS2 home for lunch but I didn't want to go barging in there and do that if he had settled.

So I hid in reception and they checked and he was fine.

I asked to speak to the teacher and she was ok but I can tell they're kind of bristling with a defensive 'this one means trouble' type of attitude - you know quickly talking over what you're saying and dismissing things.

I explained that DS2 gets a rough deal in the mornings (DS1 is foul to him) and, of course, DS1 gets most of the attention and he has entirely different drop off routine. Ny expectations of independence from DS2 are far higher.

So I said I would make a bit more space for him in the mornings and I suggested he have someone to make contact with first thing and she offered to let me bring him in a bit earlier.

All well and good but I cried as soon as I came out as she couldn't get me out of the place quick enough and ended the conversation with 'well he was fine for the rest of the morning which is all we need to know really isn't it?' It was a bit like 'mm thanks for sharing too much'

But I kind of think this is relevant don't you?

Well, I have a foot in both camps.

1. I agree that yes, you have a right to be somewhat overprotective mum with an Aspie kid.

1. The teacher does not have time to evaluate what sort of relationship you have with DS2 - and so guesses, wrongly in this case, that you are Overprotective Monster.

1. I'm sure the teacher will get to know you in time and realise you are totally sensible human being and that kiddie is not being a wuss.

1. Every class seems to have one mum who seems to want to collar teacher every morning with trivialities about little Freddie. Freddie has a cough - can he have a cough sweet in class (no), Freddie has had diarrhoea this morning (wtf?) and my most favourite Freddie didn't eat his breakfast at home, can he eat in sandwiches during registration? .

Hopefully it was just a blip today.

Spinkle - I know what you mean. I have seen those mums and I have never bothered the teacher in the last three weeks with anything so far.

It is so embarrassing when you end up having to be a mum who raises things because you don't want to be that kind of nuisance parent and you hope that teachers can see the difference. But I'm not sure they can?

You see I would hope that my coming to school but offering not to take him home for lunch if he was settled would demonstrate this sensibleness, yet, I could see that she didn't really want to hear all I was saying to explain why there is some background to this which may or may not explain DS2's upset in the morning.

It's kind of like they have this glazed look of 'oh god she is on about that son with AS again' and now she's going to start on this one.

But I never wanted school to be like this for DS1 and I don't want it to affect DS2 either.

To have to tell them he might need a bit of extra support in the mornings occasionally because of the stress with DS1 seemed to be to be highly sensible and relevant, so why do I feel so embarrassed and upset by having said it?

X post there.

I'm sorry you felt brushed off by the teacher. Seems she did not pick up on the issues this morning. However, you have done your bit by communicating and letting him go in earlier seems a good compromise to me.

Thanks Spinkle. You are right. I have done my bit. It had to be said didn't it? Hopefully, she will take it on board even if she felt a little apprehensive about getting 'involved' in that discussion with me.

I think that is what is so awful really, having to raise things when you hate doing it and then being made to feel you are the 'little Freddie has a cough' parent when you're actually trying to explain something very important about how difficult things can be for a child sometimes - I mean it is not known for DS1 to kick, punch or try to strangle DS2 in the mornings just cos he's feeling stressed.

Another x post...

It's shitty you feel like that and it seems totally unwarranted but ultimately, who give a flying monkey's arse what they think as long as you get the best for both of your kids?

I used to worry a lot. I'm a double threat as I am a teacher (and so is DH) and I used to worry I'd upset DS' teacher, knowing how hassled they are in any case - but now - I don't give a toss and I don't care how unpopular I make myself in DS' school. I'll be highly obnoxious until he gets what he needs and deserves....