'Neuro Typical' Child

[Rebi]

My ds is 7 and has high functioning autism. His development was delayed from 5 months old in all areas.

My dd is now 6 months old and on Sunday night she rolled over all by herself! Then last night I was sitting watching her playing in her inflatable ring. She was playing with a plastic spoon and bib. You could see her little mind working and I thought it won't be long before she is feeding her dolls! I am so happy to see her developing normally, but at the same time I feel such a cloud of sadness sitting on me. I suppose I never saw a 'nt' child develop before and it brings back all those feelings of sadness for my darling darling darling ds. My throat is aching. I suppose that is how all dd achievements will be felt for us, over the moon for her, but pining for ds.

Sorry I just felt the need to verbalise how I am feeling. Thanks for listening.

I don't have experience of your situation, but I just wanted to acknowledge your feelings. It came as a shock to me to find that I love my two differently, that I feel that one is more beautiful than the other and so on. I had PND with no1, and now, when I think how different things were for him when he was no2's age, I feel retrospectively guilty. It's foolish, you can't change the past, but I grieve over what I feel I inflicted upon him.

It's painful thinking back and comparing. Perhaps we shouldn't do that, each dhild is after all a different individual, but we can't help it, can we? I'm sure each of your children is and will be a beautiful person, and you as a loving mother are helping each one to achieve their best potential. I don't mean to sound trite.

Oh Rebi, I'm sure every mother with a special needs child will sympathise with you. It can be so painful can't it, I'm so sorry. We've discussed this feeling before and lots of the mums described it as a bittersweet feeling.

My little girl has Downs, the translocation type of Downs, which means it's genetic. We were told all our children would always have DS and then just 6 months ago we were told that although she is translocation it's a fluke and neither DP or I are "carriers". Wonderful, amazing news. However I know when I do have my second child and they are not SN (??) it's going to be very painful in lots od different ways and I now expect that and will have to deal with it as and when.

We all try not to compare our kids to others but when we see how much out little uns with SN have struggled to roll over, crawl, hold a cup, wave etc etc it's just not possible for it to tug fiercely at our heart strings.

Big hugs to you {{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}

Rebi I know it is so hard and upsetting to see. I know exactly where you are coming from but there are advantages.My ds2 has severe developmental delay. By the time ds3 was born all ds2 could do was sit on his own.He was nearly 4 when he was born.
Since ds3 has started developing ds2 has picked up on this somehow and tried to copy him. He can now roll over and he is trying to stand. It is like he is not going to let his little brother beat him and is competitive.Ds2 still cant walk or talk and alot of other things but he tries so hard. I am so proud of him.Even the paediatrician and school have commented on the fact that ds3 has brought ds2 on.
Hopefully it will happen in your case and your lovely ds will not let his little sis beat him
I am sure there are other mumsnetters who have said the same thing, that the next child helps the special needs child come on in their developement.If there is one thing I know about this site with all the SN children, they all sound so lovable and little fighters. And the daily achievements that they are make are amazing.I cry lots of times when I see the proud threads as it is OUR happy thread.

I know exactly where you are coming from Rebi. DS2 is now 18 months. He plays all the time- really easily. he copies, he points, he asks for attention, he follows great streams of grabled instructions from me. Every time he does something new- really really easily, without having to learn how to do it, I feel sad for ds1. Had a chat about this with dh at the weekend, and he pointed out that we should be really hapy that he's doing all this, and not let ds1's problems cloud our enjoymennt. And I think its made me realise just how amazing it all is and how special it all is.

I know exactly what you mean though.

Thank you so much for your lovely messages. It is lovely to be understood! Often when you try to explain to friends I think they get embarrassed or something for not understanding and just dismiss your feelings.

boyandgirl, I think that 'grieve' is the right expression for how I'm feeling today. Every so often it comes up and slaps you in the face again.

My ds is doing brilliantly, but it is so hard to see how difficult things are for him and how hard he has to work to achieve anything. Obviously we are extremely proud of all he is achieving and I remember the first time walking behind him in our local shopping centre when he walked for the first time at 2 years old. We just grinned like cheshire cats and probably looked completely mad! His achievements are huge moments in our lifes. But there are times (particularly socially) when I just want to wrap him in cottonwool and protect him from the big bad world.

Sorry, I'm off again! Thanks again. I do count my blessings most of the time and wouldn't change either of my beautiful children for anything.

Thomcat thank you for the big hugs. Much appreciated! Doormat, I can see already that dd has had a very positive impact on ds life. He loves her dearly (which we thought couldn't happen - we thought he would just blank her!)

Anyway, thank you, I do feel a bit better for sounding off! Again thanks for listening.

Jimjams - yes yes yes - you know exactly where I'm coming from! Thank you!

Rebi - you worded it all beautifully.

Lottie doesn't have siblings yet but I'm now going to be prepared for these bittersweet feelings as and when they happen.

I find it very diffucult sometimes being around my friends kids who we see all the time. My best mates youngest is 9 months younger than Lottie but they look exactly the same age in build etc and my friends daughter is also crawling. Lottie won't even put her feet on the floor.
The other day we were all at a friends and there were 2x2 year olds and another little girl 10 days younger than Lottie all playing on the swing and the slide and bikes etc and then on a blanket in the corner was Lottie and a baby 9 months younger than her and a friend of mine went over and said to the 2 on the blanket 'is this where the babies are hanging out then'. He didn't mean anything, it was a nothing comment but it gutted me becasue Lottie isn't a baby baby - she is 10 days older than the little girl riding the bike. It just really cut me. It's silly I know but sometimes it's the little things that hurt the most.

Every mum out there with a SN child knows exactly how you feel hon', it's just something we have to deal with but thankfully the good times outweigh the bad - big time. We have a lot to be grateful for and our kids bring us vast amounts of joy.

I look forward to reading you all about BOTH your kids achievments in the proud section.

Lots of love - Thomcat xx

what an amazing conversation everything everyone has said is just so true to heart,my ds1 is 7 1/2 and autistic and ds2 is 5 and socially especially,ds1 is being overtaken at a rapid rate by ds2,im dreading this becoming more apparent when ds2 starts school in 2 weeks(aarrgh),but as said there is always a good side the sarcasm and cheek from ds2 never comes from ds1.LOL

Agree with everything everyone has said really. My dd was first born and has global development delay mainly affecting gross motor skills and speech. Ds was born 22 months later and at this moment in time I think they are at the same level of development!(she is 3 1/2 and he is 21 months) I think I felt my lowest when ds walked at 11 months, I was so proud but dd had only started walking before her 2nd birthday- nearly a year apart in comparison. I also think I was in denial a bit about dd's problems thinking it was all realted to 'family' milestones and there was ds running up the walls before his 1st birthday.

I think I have learnt to accept my feelings more in the last few months than previously. I have tried to think of the positives to it all, like doormat says the younger one really does challenge the older one-competitiveness is very good for development I have found Rebi as your daughter gets older you will find things just 'fit' and you do start to think less about it. Life is too short to wonder about what could have been, although I know we are all guilty of it (me especially)

jimjams your dh sounds like mine. Mine often gives me a good talking to when I am feeling down about things

Rebi, I know exactly where you're coming from too, although my 'nt' (at last I know what that stands for!) is the first born now 4 and dd2 has global developmental delay, v similar to fio's dd. The developmental gap between my dd's is just huge. dd2 is now 2 and a bit, but still can't move from sitting, which dd1 keeps on pointing out in comparison to her friend's siblings, bless her!

I find the comparison between dd2 and my other friends' children of similar age the bittersweet thing - seeing them interacting with their older brothers/sisters and playing together, which is how it should have been here I try to put on a brave face and mostly succeed!

fio, my dh is the same about not wanting to listen to any "whinging"!! (spelling??)

Thank you so so much for your lovely messages. It has really risen my spirits to know I am not alone. I think the summer is the worst time of year anyway, with no routine for ds, problems with childcare, etc.

I wonder is there a way of separating the grieve from dd achievements. I would hate for the joy she brings to be constantly overshadowed. As you say fio2 hopefully it will get easier as she gets older. I am grateful for the 7 year age gap though! They will always be at different stages in life.

Thomcat, I agree that I have a lot to be proud of with both my beautiful babies. The majority of the time I'm fine - it just bites you in the bum every so often!

Thanks again everyone, I am so grateful that I found Mumsnet! You are all lovely - can I be in your gang!!!!!!!!!

Hi, Sorry to just barge in on your conversation. I don't actually have a child with SN but it is a high possibility as my DS4 was brain damaged at birth. He is only 13 weeks now, corrected age of 4 weeks (he was 9 weeks early), and is just like a newborn baby. There is a chance he could be perfectly fine but he is at risk of cerebal palsy, learning difficulties, behavioural problems, poor co-ordination - the list seems to go on and on.
He has tremors in his limbs, gets very stiff when agitated and sometimes is to stiff even to put in sitting position and he doesnt stay in sitting position fo very long as he hates it. the physio says he also usues 1 side of his body more than the other. I know that all these are symptoms of cerebal palsy but they are things that can also be rectified. My mind is all over the place, i won't know what is wrong (if anything) for a long time and the wait is so hard. I just feel i need to know. I don't know how to think of the future should i be prepared for the worst as some days i think i am or just hope for the best and say he's going to be fine, which is also how i think!
I am sorry to you all that this is so long, and not really anything to do with your conversation but i don't really know where to turn, i feel inbetween things. Sorry girls, but if you've read down this far, then thankyou so much.

Poor you, you are going through a very worrying time. The horrible thing is it is only as your ds gets older that you will know more. I use to hate when the professionals said this (they still do), but I can now see why. Every child develops differently and the one very positive thing your son has going for him (besides you and his family) is the fact that he having early intervention. It is amazing what children can overcome.

I have to leave my computer now to pick up kids, but I just wanted to type a quick line to you. Keep in touch. Will be thinking of you. Cyber hugs {{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hi vicerb no you are not butting in.I cant speak for everyone here but I think I am right in saying that we all know what you are going through and we are all here for help, advice and a friendly chat
I am so sorry to hear about your ds.I know how worrying it must be for you the "not knowing what the future will bring".
Have you read some of the earlier s/n threads as they are packed with a lot of thoughts and experiences from mumsnetters.If not take a peek.
I sincerely hope everything turns out ok for you and your ds.
I dont know what the future will bring for your ds, I wish I could tell you, like I dont know what future my ds has but I never give up on hope and my faith in him.I hope this helps.

Poor you vicerb, unfortunatley most of us are in the same situation with our little ones and we dont know either how things are going to work out, its horrible isnt it. Just enjoy him, I found when my dd started having more obvious problems I worried that much about her that I wasnt really enjoying her and it all seems like a blur now. Rebi is right he is lucky he is getting the help he needs now, my friends little girl wasnt diagnosed with cp until she was2 and she missed out on all that vital help. She is doing marvelous now though

Vicerb, my ds2 has cerebral palsy, he's 2 1/2 now, if you want someone to chat to, I'm happy for you to contact me via mumsnet on the "contact another talker" link right at the top of the page.

Ds was 4 weeks early induced, but his cp is from a lack of oxygen to his brain on one or more occasions when I was about 30 weeks pg (which coincides with a a threatened early labour I had then), not down to the actual birth.

Like I said I don't know if you want to, but you are welcome to contact me. If not then Scope would be a good place for you to call, the website is here . The support line is 0808 800 3333.

Hth, best wishes.

Vicerb - your experience sounds EXACTLY like mine with ds, now nearly 3 yrs - also born at 29 wks with left hemiplegia (weakness) cp. He is such a star, against all the odds. I'm in the middle of a house move tomorrow and Friday but I promise to come back and post more when we've moved. Don't despair, we'll talk as soon as I get a moment.

haven't read the whole thread yet but Thomcat I can sympathize with the baby comments - a couple of months ago I was in a hospital waiting area with dd2 and heard a mum tell her little girl, whose date of birth I'd overheard was three months after dd2's, to 'watch out for the baby' - the 'baby' in question being my dd (who was 25 months old at the time).
I have pretty much stopped comparing dd1 and dd2 - I did it a lot in the first year (of course dd1 had reached all her milestones extra early just to make the gap even more obvious!) but now it just happens on dd2's birthdays etc. They're just very different in some ways but also very alike in others - it's like comparing apples and oranges. Still find it hard to see children the same age as dd2 or a bit younger - dd2's language delay particularly upsets me.
Baby no.3 is still cooking, but I'm really looking forward to having a typically developing child again (fingers crossed and all that of course!) - though I imagine that it will be quite odd when baby no.3 overtakes dd2 developmentally.