Help, I need encouragement and advice re talking to ds teacher

[mariagoretti]

Ok. I already posted half of this and had some useful tips... but the day of going in to ask for a meeting is now approaching, and there's a fair chance she'll say 'well now's a good time..' so I want to be prepared. I'm scared I'll skip my own agenda & listen to everything she says, or else get so bolshie I alienate her completely. [I'm not good with teachers... didn't like school myself].

DS one of the eldest in year 2. I've known since birth that something 'wasn't right'. Kept being told don't worry, he's just too smart. Eventually ignored that, saw paed, now has dx ADHD and 'features of ASD' but too hyper for ADOS to be worth doing at present. ADHD/ ASD parent courses helped somewhat. Meds help somewhat The usual IEP type support last year helped somewhat. Ed psych & SENCO think I'm exaggerating the difficulties, which in fairness are variable & a bit more obvious outside the classroom.

This year's teacher is experienced, old-fashioned & reputed to 'not believe' in most SN nor in parents telling teachers what to do. But ironically is one of the best practically for kids with SEN as she always takes dc as individuals, praises, sets clear boundaries etc. I've had no direct feedback but she seems to be handling him ok (& better as term progresses). DS still isn't happy & is (literally) kicking off at home ++++ so I know he's under stress... perhaps a sign he's busting a gut at school trying to behave acceptably?

So, given she's likely to be a useful ally and I don't want to make an enemy of her, how do I best approach this meeting? I need her to: 1. listen to what his differences are (I don't really care if she believes in the diagnostic labels or not); 2. believe that we are effective parents worth working with (despite his behaviour); 3. understand that although his academic stuff is ok and he is able to 'pass for normal' at times, he needs extra help (to develop the far more important life skills eg social / understanding / flexibility / impulse control & non-violence etc)

Sorry for long post... suggestions gratefully receieved

to be honest it sounds as if you need to take up with senco rather than or at least as well as teacher.

it is great that he is doing well at school but it means they may be less sympathetic about home.

you need to major on what happens at school. Ask about how well he is doing at lunchtimes/free -ish play, ask how well his friendships are developing.

Most schools should have a social communication programme set up for kids with difficulties in this area. Ask about this.

Don't forget to reference the reports you have so they know it is not just you.

ta crunchy. I am planning to speak to senco as well a bit later as have a feeling that giving her a chance to help a 'worried mum' may get us further initially than involving the school SEN hierarchy (esp as I don't think senco'll be much help... in the last questionnaire she denied all ds' problems despite teachers & TA being concerned enough ask for ed psych)

If I were you then I would acknowledge to this teacher that you know she sets firm boundaries and that you appreciate that. (a bit of flattery always helps) Also say that you know children have a dual personality with school and at home - play on the fact that he's becomimg much much worse at home and though he might have a good game of being 'fine' at times this can quickly deterioate (sp?) and that this is your concern.

She doesn't do labels. Well, that's OK. She's got the skills to evaluate kids quickly and respond to their needs appropriately. She sounds great.

'Time to Talk' is a social skills programme and so is 'Ginger Bear' - these are usually run by TAs rather than teachers, and in small groups.

This is tough. All you can do is remain factual and positive but crucially not worry about what they think about you.

good luck

Popped in to classroom today before school to ask her when would be a good time for a chat. she said 'good to see you, we could do with a proper talk' and briefly explained that she's noticed DS has 'problems but is a lovely kid' and she has been v strict with him so far which seems to be paying off. So I agreed, said we were pretty strict too as clear rules work well for DS, gave her a tiny flavour of some home issues & will be going back after school later this week.

Still nervous... but fingers crossed, a good start made I hope. He has audiology & ent appts soon which gives me a good reason to raise social / communication topics.

An excellent start - well done. Keep us posted.

Well, she spent ages talking with me and seemed to listen and take on board about his strengths and difficulties and that we as parents have a pretty good grasp on them. She described one day being a bit flummoxed when she'd semi-sarcastically asked him 'what's your problem?' and received a concise mini-lecture about ADHD. (he hadn't told me this, obviously)

Bottom line is that her strict but fair regime is starting to pay dividends in class time, he seems happy and the main issues are starts of morning, transitions and disruptive 'silly talk' (delayed echolalia mostly) which drives her a bit bananas at times. The main strategy for stopping it is a few min outside the class to calm down, which is not far off the tactics we use at home.

She also clearly likes him and thinks he's bright which is useful! He sits with carefully selected tablemates who encourage helpful/ healthy interactions, she thinks that concentrating on reducing the wiggles and chat will assist his friendships. We agreed he's extrovert and friendly enough to keep socialising regardless.

So thanks very much sprinkle and crunchyside... it felt like I went in with allies which I'm sure helped a lot. I forgot to ask about lunch... But I can save that for another time.

The teacher doesn't naturally talk SEN but she listens & I think she'll instinctively do what he needs. Yay! So I'll worry about next year when we get there!

That is great. The carefully selected classmates at the table sound brilliant.

Is it possible that if you feel confident about him at school you will be more relaxed at home? not implying any crticism but i know that my son picks up on any tiny bit of rush or stress that i'm feeling and unless i'm relentlessly calm and upbeat he can get very upset and obstinate.

Definitely calmer this evening. I'm just so relieved I don't need to battle and scheme to get his needs met (this year anyway). It looks like she'll do her bit well, and hopefully I've learned enough ABA type stuff in the last few years to fill in the asd-specific gaps for now.

I've always told ds 'the teacher is right' cos a united front is important I think. Much easier when I'm convinced myself! I'm starting to hear some reassuring things about the (pretty new) headteacher's attitudes as well... So only the senco to worry about! might even manage to bypass her if teacher's happy to put our jointly decided priorities & strategies on an IEP form.