Another one refusing to go to school again ...

[Ampersand44]

... I feel sick every morning now, so heaven knows how DS2 (9) feels. After a completely rocky first two weeks of half days (managed 2 last week), he was due to begin full days today.

Reading the other posts it seems to be kicking in for lots of us now.

Last night he turned off his laptop, hid it 'from burglars' and then was very upset that he was not right in this world etc. so I knew we were building up to this.

Statement in place but not finalised, support there though. No visual timetable (which can help him, he even asks for it), they want to do it with him in school - I want it at home so he can see what is happening (although that can backfire if it is PE for example!). Feel so much needed to be there from day 1 and it wasn't so they have missed the boat with him. Too much chicken and egg going on, we could argue forever about the details in school, but I cannot even get him out of the door... and no one can suggest anything to do about that!

On top of that diagnosis panel due to discuss him tomorrow, but have been told not to expect an answer.

This has been going on for months and we don't know which way to turn. Sorry to moan but could really scream and afraid DH is building up to losing it with someone big time too and I wouldn't blame him.

Amper, poor you, poor ds. My ds started to refuse school and its heartbreaking isnt it. He doesnt refuse now, but has started to injury himself.

Why cant you have a duplicate visual timetable at home?

One of ds's many worries was PE. He now only does what he feels comfortable with.

Oh and your poor dh of course, i forgot about him

Thanks Claw. Saw your other post about attendance officer. Is there any mileage in our getting them involved if school is doing the best they can (even though I think there is more that can be done), or does it add another layer of beaurocracy? I did once ask school if they were likely to get ESW (is that same as attendance officer?) involved but school said that if they explained we were cooperating and keeping in touch they would not bother with us anyway.

Am going to ask for duplicate timetable so I can do it at home. Good at Googling pretty pictures so they just need to send the written details and I can do the rest after all I need something to do all day stuck here.

I dont think its a case of them bothering you, schools like to make you think the attendance officer is against you somehow. My ds's attendance dropped to 75%, with time off due to stress at school. Once he realised it was due to stress at school and the school were being unreasonable and i was trying to find ways for my ds to attend, but the school were ignoring my attempts, he was very much on my side.

It is the attendance officers job to make sure that EVERYONE is doing all that they can, including the school, to make it possible for your ds to attend.

For example my ds was refusing schools on PE day, i wrote to the school (and copied in attendance officer) informing them of why he was refusing school and made numerous suggestions. The school refused to accept any of my suggestions.

Why is your ds refusing school? and what are the school doing about it?

Is ESW the education welfare officer, if so, i think they are same, just different name, but not 100% sure.

Well, school told DH they would email visual timetable today for tomorrow but nothing has come.

DS only on 20% attendance last week, probably average of 50% max last term, if that. I think it is a long build-up of unrecognised difficulties, PE, swimming, writing anything at all, generally misunderstanding what is going on around him. He has auditory and sensory processing difficulties, 'autistic traits' (latest it has been suggested we call it while they sort out whether or not they can diagnose) - most likely AS as far as we are concerned. Moved school last Sept because old school saw him as an attention seeking boy who just needed to concentrate. But it was too late to stop sky-high anxiety issues.

We are hard pushed most of the time to get him to go anywhere even with us.

He does try and breaks my heart as you can see him becoming overwhelmed. Took him to church for the first time this year at the weekend, for a pre-agreed 10 mins only, but he lay over my knees and then as soon as first hymn started was hands over ears and so scared we had to leave. Made me think of Amberlight's posts - afterwards I tried to ask him what happens and he said it was too loud and the singing makes him feel like he doesn't know where he is. So won't be putting him through that again for now.

He used to give lots of different reasons for not going to school, but now just says he is scared and can't take it and disappears flat on floor under his blanket and screams at us if we try and do anything with him.

School are great but though I hate to say it still don't totally 'get' it - hard for them though to be fair as everything anyone has suggested we and they try to date has not been successful. And whatever we all put in place is no use if we cannot even get him there.

Will have a think about whether attendance officer will focus things.

Amper, Sounds like you have tried lots, have you applied for a Statement?

Yes - got a full-time one!! Still being finalised.

Probably time to really consider special school and we have been looking. Just so scared of taking the wrong step so soon after last moving him. Not a huge choice where we are, but the one we are interested in will be a fight and I have little steam left (though I am sure I can find it for DS) - feeling a bit pathetic at the moment.

No one seems to be able to advise us because it is all mixed up in issues of cost and who can say what. So we dance round in circles not getting anywhere!

To be honest if i were in your situation Amper, i would focus my time and energy on the statement and getting a dx. When is your final statement due?

Ds's last school reported me to the attendance officer as they were blaming me and not following recommendations from experts. In your case it would appear the school are not blaming you and the school do appear to be making an effort (albeit an unsuccessful one)

Oh and i know the helpless feeling all to well. You are doing well and you will do whatever it takes

Claw, think you are right about where to focus the time and energy. Deadline is mid-October but what throws me into a panic is naming a school. If we stick where we are I am afraid it would be too hard to change, although we have been told that is not the case I just don't quite trust them, and I am afraid damage is being done to DS the longer it goes on like this. On the other hand if we 'jump' too soon we might do damage that way if we make the wrong choice ... Can you guess I am a Libran ?

We should be receiving draft statement early October, so in a similar situation too. I have just moved ds to new ms school and he isnt coping too well either at the moment, so no exactly how you feel.

I think once my ds has the appropriate help he could manage quite well in MS, although he hasnt managed too well until now and is in year 2. Perhaps im kidding myself!

You can ask for the statement to be reviewed at any time and change the school. It probably will be a fight, but isnt everything!

LOL@ Libran. Im a Leo although i often feel like a headless chicken