'You need to tell her off more' says my dad

[Marne]

As dd2 spits drink all over the new floor .

Maybe she hasn't got autism, i just need to tell her off more .

I hate it when people/family asume our children are naughty because we dont disaplain them. I spend most of the day telling her off but its a waist of time because she doesn't understand a word i say, if i say 'don't go on the grass' the only part she understands is 'go on grass', she doesnt react to the tone of my voice (how ever loud i shout) so telling her off is deffently not the answer.

Ah, the older generation have no hesitation in telling you how to treat your kids.

My mother took a great deal of persuasion that my ds wasn't just spoilt.

What is the point of telling them off? It doesn't work and everybody suffers.

I agree, I hate it when people make judgements on my parenting. My mum was the best yesterday, she has got her head around the autism as ds is quite low functioning. We were out shopping in town and I mentioned that I was having trouble finding trousers for ds because of the nappy, she turned round and said 'you really need to dress him much smarter as he wont look as bad' huh! wtf is that supposed to mean, does it mean he is dressed like a scruff.

Aaarrggghhh! I find telling my son off is a waste of time as well as he doesn't understand and only picks up on the anger, which makes him feel bad, which makes him more likely to tune me out and look for something that will make him feel better...

he also has atypical responses sometimes like giggling and laughing when he is told off that makes him look as if he doesn't care...

or else he will try to make things better between us by changing the subject and messing about.

basically most of his misbehaviour is an anxiety reaction so you need to try to decrease rather than increase the anxiety if you want the behaviour to improve - not rocket science but some people are even worse at listening than my son

there is a reason why we have a really horrible carpet in our living-room

I especially hate it when visiting family members start dropping little hints about "firm boundaries and consistency"...grrrr!

i am really tempted to say 'fine, you look after her for the day and see how you get on' but i know he wouldn't last 5 minutes. I hate the way my dad judges people, his partners brother has SN's and my dad describes him as 'Odd' and 'not all there' . My dad has many autistic traits (he's allways rite, he has to win and everything needs to be in its place) but in his eyes he is perfect .

Not that I'm saying your dad is right but you could change the way you say things to help her to cooperate. You've identified that she focuses on the action describe rather than the 'don't'. So you could try saying what you do want her to do, e.g. 'stay on the grass'. If you want her to something say that so she focuses on what you want her to think about.

Apart from that you do what you think is right and stop listening to spectators who don't live your life day to day.

Urgh, how annoying. You'd think as a parent he would be more supportive and believe you are doing your best and trying your hardest.

My nana is like this. I just think it is a generation thing really. Also, my MIL believes that DS2 can be treated by medication and will grow out of it. She also believes that he needs a good smack to sort him out .

I know it's a bit ike teaching your granny to suck eggs, but have you tried telling her what you want her to do rather than what you don;t want her doing. Instead of telling her to get off the grass, tell her to walk on the path.

DS2 does the whole spitting out water/juice thing as well, very annoying but something we can't get him to stop.

Its annoying isnt it. My Nan is the same - believes that children should be ruled with an iron fist (like she did) and that DS2 is proof of what happens if you let children be children

"Shut him in the shed" and "smack his bum" are my Dad's worthwhile contributions

But he is ignorant and determined to remain ignorant because he feels safe that way. If he needs to learn about something he doesn't know about, to him that's showing weakness so he won't do it. It infuriates me. Why bother living if you are not learning?

It's really sad in a way. I've tried to talk to my Dad about DS, about giving him space to speak for example. The other day he was in the garden and quietly naming the wild flowers when my Dad came out.

DS ran to show (massive progress this) my Dad but was just "jokingly" growled at so poor DS just went away again when he could have said "Daisy" or "Dandelion" as he had been doing to me

Oh no-one in my family even believes that ds has autism. Poorly parented apparently.

BIL "Shimmery have you ever thought that it might be YOUR issues that have caused your ds's problems". Gee thanks BIL. I didn't feel rubbish enough before you said that. So glad you were around to stick the boot in.

In laws don't think there is anything wrong either to the point that FIL starts smirking if I ever talk about any interventions ds is having. Had a big go at me telling me there was nothing wrong with him and it was all in my head. My response to all disbelievers know is a calm "Thank you, I will let his Developmental Paediatrician, Occupational Therapist, Speech and Language Therapist and our GP know your thoughts on this matter."

They all bark at him as well in "that boy just needs discipline" kind of way if he displays any autistic behaviours. He can't process the sterness and it usually ends in a meltdown and so on and on.

Bywhosestandards That is a great explanation for how my ds acts when he gets told off. Going to learn it off by heart as at the moment I generally drone on and on about him not being able to process negative emotions and they all look at me like this .

My mum is in her words 'very anti labelling'. When she heard me talking to my sister about DS1 being assessed for AS she was not impressed to say the least - as far as she is concerned it is perfectly normal for DS to not understand tone of voice, at his age and perfectly fine that he is completely literal etc. So she has obviously decided to make sure he doesn't get assessed by AS and is trying to teach him to be 'normal' (despite the fact that she thinks he is). Now whenever I talk to him I get "Are you being sartastic [sic]?". Really not sure whether to or .