need to vent here where i know its safe

[MissTired]

i am 29 with a 4 yr old son with autism, i split from his dad when he was 5 months old, me and my new partner (been together 4 yrs now) have been trying for a baby for 2.5yrs to find out about a month ago that he can not have kids, our only option would be donor sperm and ivf etc which we cant afford so were coming to terms with that. given that ds has some challenging behaviours and generally not an eay child we know the chances of getting approved for adoption are extremely slim - especially as we pestered ss for ages for respite help! so my ds is it, no chance of more kids now. i then have been looking into being an egg donor as i know that way i could help others and although i am gutted i cant have more and that my ds is "not normal" and that is the only chance of motherhood have i with a child with autism so ill miss out on all the normal kid things - or thats how it feels, it feels like getting his diagnosis all oer again! well it seems as i have an autistic child noone would even want my eggs, i understand that and dont blame the rules or people who would not want them but im gutted i feel like less of a woman now and i just long to have a child who can play at the park without being distressed, go to birthday parties, understand what it means to love etc.
i know im taking it all far too literally and i know i cant have kids now and there is no way i can change that as im happy with my partner and we have no chance of affording ivf or certainly not for a good few years unless we win the lottery and by the tim we do we may be too old anyway. im just so upset that i cant even help anyone else to have a child, i am being unreasonable i know and it makes sense why this is all the way it is but im just so gutted and i had to vent somewhere and i am hoping people here understand. i dont expect any replies, i feel a little better for getting my feelings out

I couldn't read and run without letting you know that I understand.

I have a DS with possible ASD and have also been through the whole IVF and infertility thing so I can relate to what you're saying.

For what it's worth I think it's SO amazing that you wanted to become an egg donor. And I know a great many people who would agree. Having that level of compassion is a true hallmark of femininity in my opinion.

I wish I had something more constructive to say... sorry... xxx

Hey I understand..for many reasons I don't think i will have another child so will also never experience an NT child, it's hard.

I'm hearing you. My DS has ASD/ADHD and he's my only child. I don't the 'proud mummy' moments like my friends do with their kids - well, no, that's wrong, I DO but they are different ones, that's all.

I could have more kids. But I don't want anymore. I wouldn't want the kid to think they were born to be a lifelong carer for it's brother. Nor would I want DS to think that we had another one because he was 'defective'.

I never saw myself with more than one in any case. I didn't take to motherhood like a duck to water either.

Have you asked about IVF on the NHS if your dh has been confirmed as infertile? I don't know how it works, but I know some trusts will fund it?

Have you asked on the other boards of different possiblities? I know some people go abroad where it's much cheaper.

I have to say I'm with Spinkle though, I prefer having just the one as well. My DS has AS though so perhaps hits more NT milestones than a more severely autistic child (though he's never been invited to a birthday party ).

I think of it this way - I have been able to put in so much work with DS because I can focus entirely on him, I can take him out to places even when he needs 1:1 support, all because there aren't any other children I need to worry about. I can also spend more on his therapies/sensory toys than I'd be able to, if he had siblings I had to share the pot with. So DS really benefits from being an only, and I benefit as a parent because - although he's a lot of work - I get more down time than I would if I had other kids to worry about.

Oh you poor thing - what a lot to take in. I would really recommend counselling as there's so much to think about.

I wanted to let you know though that my friend who has a dd then diagnosed with autism, but now known to have a regressive condition did get approved to adopt. SS had some weird reason why she could only adopt a child with SN (apparently children with SN need less attention ) but the girl she's adopted is adorable and has done really well. TBH she appears to have less issues than some of the NT adoptions I know - mainly because she doesn't really have attachment issues (came from a stable foster family to a stable adoption).

I know that adoption isn't an alternative as such, but as you mentioned it I just wanted to say if it's something you would consider please don't rule it out.

I do know lots of people with an only child who has autism so there are lots out there. In some cases its been a choice (so different than your situation) but might be a thread worth starting on here.

By the way, it was strange, I met my little nephew for first time and had been really worried I would feel very broody but it surprised me that it just made me realise that DD needed me 100% and that was how it was supposed to be!

thanks so much everyone i guess its just something i need to come to terms with, will definately look into adoption then aintlydamemrsturnip but need to persuade dp first, hes undecided as says he doesnt want a child thats too old and whats point in going through it all if that all we can have as very few babies etc etc etc, typical man really with the whole whats th point attitude, he will come round and realise there is a point im sure!! thanks though for that saintlydame ill look into it more and ask our sw even though shes on disabled children team she will give us an indication of her views whih im sure they will ask and tak a great deal of interest in, and shes horrible!!!

All of this really is far too overwhelming to deal with all at once- it's like you are grieving for the loss of the child you didn't have and now all future children all in one go. Far too much to deal with. Can empathise with this a bit cos we were told when our dc was diagnosed as a baby that I carry fatal genetic disorder.

You have years and years in which things can change and it really is too soon to be ruling out all chances of being a mother again. Either by having yr own bio child or by adoption. Appreciate it doesn't feel like that now and I'm really not trying to dismiss the hurt you obv feel now

Big squeeze to you