Anyone still here ?Just had an interesting talk with DS1 any advice??

[TheLadyEvenstar]

Ok this is probably going to sound garbled as I am trying to get my head around all he said....he was quite clear and precise.

He and I were talking about things that make us happy or sad/worried/nervous.

And he said this

Going to places where there are a lot of people is scarey, i don't like being with a lot of people, i like being with a few people i know well. I don't like people mummy.

I asked him why and he said

They seem so loud and in my face when they talk and they make me nervous.

He went on to explain he doesn't like general chit chat in school as when more than one person is talking he cannot keep up and gets confused.

Also he hates not knowing what we are doing, he said if he knows we are going to the park then he wants to do that, not go to get a drink/petrol/ sandwich before as it confuses him.

He also told me he prefers to be on his own rather than with people and that he is happiest when he can just sit in his room or in the corner of the living room.

I have found this all confusing tbh!!!

what is auditory integration training?

We did auditory integration training at the sound learning centre. It's hard to know if it was a 'fix' or not. But his original audiogram showed distorted and hypersensitive hearing - his audiogram at the end of 10 days showed almost perfect hearing. His behaviour has improved since then - but is obviously impossible to say how much the AIT helped, how much he has improved etc. Especially since there have been loads of other changes in his life as well (including moving schools).

But the most dramatic example I can give you as that he used to walk out of class 5 times a day because it was too much for him, and now he never walks out of class ( besides when they showed him a icky sex ed video :) )

TLES, I know I have been on too many of your threads to count, and I have probably been one of your harshest critics. Please take my words as sincerely and genuinely as they always have been (Sorry, just felt the need to acknowledge that we've had a chequered history).

I think it is great that you are starting to get to the bottom of things from your DS perspective. I know that in the past his behaviour has pushed you all to despair and you were given dodgy misguided quackery advice that he was just trying to get a rise out of you, and that everything was within his control.

I think last night's conversation was very illumminating, and you should spend lots of energy trying to really understand it.

Imagine if your friend invited you to go shopping with them, for a girly day. You agree, and are pleased because you rarely get time together. You turn up at your meeting place, and instead of finding your friend, you find a group of girls, some you know, others you don't. You're confused. The goal posts have moved. Then your friend announces that actually, she has some errands to run, and so instead of a girly day, you'll just scoot round the shops so she can get back. Not the most massive deal, but on top of the disappointment of not having time together, it feels like a major letdown.

Your DS obviously feels that if you say you are going to the park, THAT is what you agreed. So, there are two options.

a) You either get into the habit of making clear plans which you don't deviate from, where things like sandwich shopping are included as the plan.

or

b) You prepare in advance so that you can just go to the park.

To be honest, your DS is old enough for you to make a real difference here. Listen to him, and give him some 'DS1 space' which is treasured. Even if it just means kitting his room out with some comfy 'chill out' things from IKEA or somewhere else that is cheap.

It sounds like he is getting overloaded. Perhaps it would be worth trying to encourage a friendship with one or two people at school, that can accept the real DS for who he is?

Sorry for not replying yesterdaty i was out all day as I will be today...babysitting lol.

Anyway, I am planning a trip to shopping with DS1 to kit his room out - i like that idea.

As for encouraging a friendsip I have tried - inviting a friend round/out with us. yet ds1 doesn't want this...well he does but with one certain boy who the school have contacted me over for an incident which could have potentially got DS1 into a lot trouble - its definatly not a friendship to be encouraged!!!

It seems the "nice" children are not the ones DS1 wants to associate with - just the ones who are trouble makers.

I have a letter to collect today to make an appt for aspergers assessment...does anyone know what will happen? or rather what is involved?

I would also make an appointment with the SENCo to tell her what your son has told you, and ask that it be added to his file. You can also ask if there is anything the school can do to help him: cope with change, and de-stress when he becomes over loaded.

I do not have a SN child as far as I know. so have no experience. but i do have a ds1 who is tricky.
BUT, i feel like your ds sometimes. and i ma a very social person who craves interaction. i crave closeness and real intimacy. and yet alot of the time, i just want to be on my own and fort he rest of the world to f**k off, quite frankly.

i think your sons conversation sounds very very mature. quite articulate. atleast he can verbalise this and knows what he wants.
sounds great.
Hope you get the help you need.

Mummytime, Thankyou that is good advice.

Ob, Thanks.

LES - Hope you don't mind me saying this, but the first thing I thought when I read your post was that you are very fortunate you have the gift of communication with your son. Maybe one day I will be able to talk through what is distressing my son and why and what I can do to make it better, for now I'm in the dark. Not saying my situation is worse than yours, definitely not - I'm really not trying to compare, anyway, I'm sure it's not at all by a long stretch!I am just saying that he has handed you so much information to use and to work with to help him.

He sounds like an amazing young man and you must be very proud of him. He's very gifted but with high intelligence and intellect also comes significant loneliness. Add to that all the sensory issues he seems to have, it's no wonder he likes to retreat. I think you have to respect that if he says he needs to get away from people, allow him that time. Explain to him why you feel it is important to mix with other people and help him develop strategies to tune in to one person at a time in a crowd. I don't know enough about his sensory issues, but try all the things people on this thread are suggesting.

As for liking to know where he's going, I don't see anything wrong with taking that into account when you're planning and including him in the planning. Ask his opinion so he feels he has made a choice like for example - when we go to xyz, we also need to get petrol, do you think we should stop on the way there or on the way back? It's easier to kid younger kids into thinking they've made a choice or had some impact on the day's plans, (you know, like "orange juice or apple juice?") but I guess by talking to him and making him feel like the young adult he is, you're going to have the same effect.

Above all, I think we all need to give our DC the balance between what they say they want or need and what we feel they need. I'm sure you are doing an amazing job with your son, it certainly sounds like it. xx

Thats similar to what dd1 says , she's 6 and has Aspergers. She loves being around people (close friends) but not lots of people as it muddles her brain up . She also needs to know what we are doing each day and hates it if we have to change the routine or stop to get petrol. I write her a list of what we are doing before we get in the car to go, or she writes a list on her mega scetcher which is in the car. I also do the same for dd2 (ASD) but using pictures. Both dd's prefer sitting on the pc in there own little world rather then going out.

LadyEvenstar,your ds sounds uncannily like mine. My ds is 10 going on 16 and also apparently in the gifted range and a very good reader. He gets really anxious about things and if we say we are doing something then it doesn't happen we don't hear the end of it. We have been told he has exceptional hearing and he also gets confused when more than 1 person is talking at once. He has few friends and like yours is drawn to the boys we'd rather he didn't get involved with. He has had problems since infant school and finally we are close to getting a dx (suspected AS/HFA). ADOS test is being done early next month so hopefully we'll have some answers. School referred us to community paed who couldn't make a dx as he appeared complex so have waited 5 months for this assessment. Maybe speak to the Senco to see if referrals can be made?

LES .. Wow your ds sounds very much like my ds2.
so much so I assumed you already had a dx!

( although ds2s thing is science and maths instead of English)

my ds has had almost exactly the same conversation with me.. :) isn't it wonderf that they are now of an age where they are able to express how they feel or why.

A chill out space is great and works well, as is sinking into his interest.

Planning what your going to do andetting him know isn't actually too imposing really, and you get into it very easily.. There are occasions where we just don't know, but again I just keep very straight with this and tell hi
I will let him know as soon as I know myself.

It would be well worth asking for an OT with regard to sensory issues.. You may find as we did that quite a percentage of hard work behaviour stemmed from sensory overload or sensory seeking.

ds is never going to be the social butterfly and that is okay.. he does however need to be social at times and cope with the unexpected and people changing their minds etc, but these can be dealt with by teaching him stratagies ... And giving him the time to be able to practice them. ( it is said a lot easier than done!).

The behavioural therapist I have recently spoken to reminded me, that although ds2 is very mature in some ways and has high IQ , his EQ is about four years behind.. So remember to allow for that and show him.

It's nice to know there are quite boys who are similar in nature and the behaviour isn't quite so odd after all .

DS also hates unexpected changes to routine - I often get around it by voicing the problem and letting him suggest the solution: 'Oh no, I didn't have time to bring a snack, we'll be hungry all afternoon now' 'Well, why don't stop by the shop to get something, Mum?' .

I've read that AS children have an emotional maturity of about 2/3rds of their chronological age and that's about right for DS.

It's true that being bright and having the ability to articulate their feelings is an advantage to your son, but the flip side is that he'll probably be more aware of his differences, which can lead to mental health issues. DS has had problems with anxiety and depression and that's one of the biggest concerns for teenage boys with AS.