feeling really depressed and worried about ds1

[Greensleeves]

ds1 is 7 and has Aspergers (see threads passim for my obtuse and fatuous failure to face up to it before he was 5, even though it was blindingly obvious from babyhood)

We have had all the same ups and downs and battles with school/family/etc as everyone else, and generally things are on an even keel - he isn't bullied, he has friends within his peer group, he has a fairly healthy self-image and is affectionate, loving, curious about the world etc

but just lately he has been frightening me more and more with the way he sometimes behaves in social situations - I suppose because he is getting older and more mature, and although I understand what makes him tick and I adore him and KNOW he is a lovely person underneath, I am worrying about his future and how he will be perceived - I don't want him to be lonely and isolated

examples - yesterday we were driven to ds2's joint birthday party with two other children, by one of the other boys' mothers. We got to the swimming pool where the party was and ds1 said, loudly "This doesn't look like the kind of place for a party. In fact it doesn't even look like a swimming pool. It looks more like a concrete prison with a big landfill site in the middle"

I knew what he meant but not everybody would, would they? He doesn't fit the popular profile for a child with a SN who can't help it. He is beight, witty and articulate - so it frightens me that if I can't help him to change this behaviour people will hate him. And he is really very sensitive and easily hurt

also ds2's birthday cake which I had spent 2 days making and which everyone had cooed over and said how beautiful it was - I cut some slices of it for us all this morning, but I cut them from the back because ds2 wanted the decorations to be intact for a while longer. I told ds1 this. Later on he decided he wanted one of the red bits on the front, asked ds2 if he could have it and ds2 said yes - so ds1 hacked an enormous lump out of the front, destroying various other bits, in order to get a huge slice including the little red bit he wanted. Not a big deal - just cake - but again it makes me worry for him. Not everyone would be understanding about something like that! And he is nearly 8.

He has social stories cards at school which have been a great help for him with certain flashpoints (transitions, not shouting out etc) but I have racked my brains and can't think of any technique which would help him to control these more subtle and nebulous things - what is rude, why something might be hurtful. He just gets upset if we talk about it, however gently. He has a loud voice and a massive vocabulary and a very imperious way of speaking. He poked his grandad awake at 7am recently and said "Er, I say Grandad, if you could just slip a couple of pieces of bread in the toaster for us please". Very funny - but at the bac of my mind I am thinking "people will hate him when he is older". They won't see a SN, they will see selfishness and rudeness.

Any advice? It would be hugely appreciated.

You need to do social stories at home as well as school.

Exhausting as it may be you need to take him aside constantly and explain why he shouldn't have said / did what he did and why other people might find his comments hurtful.

It's hard work. I'm still doing it with my 22 year old.

Best wishes

Wrt loud voice.. Ds2 is loud :) so we use a ' library voice'. When needed it just gets ds2 to take the edge off .

Ds2 is opinionated ( sp) in the nicest way .. " don't worry grandma.. I will educate you" was a very recent verbal outing!
( boy was she educated :))

in family life it really doesn't make a jot of difference to us, we all know what he means and how he isn't being offensive ( I really should write a book on what he has come put with). But in RL it doesn't seem to help make friends. He is learning however that some people find his exchange of information upsetting ( he made a lad cry because he answered a question very truthfully), so he now tags on.. " not to be offenisive " if he thinks it maybe.. Although this doesn't really work very well.. But he thought of it himself and he tries.

Can't offer much else other than a hand hold and a your not alone.. :)

I do take him aside and explain the situation, every single time - it is draining but it has to be done

but although he apologises and seems to understand almost every time, he doesn't seem to be internalising it to the point where it actually inhibits what he will come out with

we have tried and tried with the loud voice - I have explained that I can't make out what he is saying if he shouts, just as I can't properly see his drawings if he thrusts them right into my eyeballs

he is lovely, and adorable, and well-meaning and can be very very kind and thoughtful

but I feel as though I am failing to help him to curb the aspects of his behaviour which others are going to react badly to as he gets older

we have discussed with him recently sitting down together and drawing up some cards to use at home - he likes the idea and I think they will really help with things like morning routines and bedtime routines (and flushing the damn toilet after him )

but how to construct a simple, logic-based system of reminders for the finer points of social behaviour - not making remarks which are truthful to him but bloody hurtful or selfish or inconsiderate to others - how do I write a card for that?

thanks for the advice, it's good to hear others' perspectives.

.

gratuitously bumping cos I can't sleep, sorry

It's just a mtter of constant reinforcement. Don't wait until he says something unacceptable - pre-empt it.

For instance when you're standing somewhere busy ask him what he thinks about situations he see - such as someone pushing past. When you're watching TV ask him why he thinks someone did whatever they did.

It's difficult to find examples out of context.

Sooner or later it will sink in - promise.

Do you have any of the carol gray social story books? I would use them as a starting point but adapt them for ds1. You can buy big collections if examples for 100's if situations - saves starting from scratch with each one.

If = of

My only advice is that you are projecting a bit too far into the future at the moment, which is bound to be depressing, because you are imagining a much older person with the same behaviours. Your ds is only 7 and even though he has aspergers, his social skills are not going to remain static. He will learn to get better at curbing certain remarks and actions, but at age 7, when other children around him are not applying the right behaviour consistently, it is rather a lot to expect him to be able to convert a message he understands intellectually into consistent behavioural change. You are, after all, talking about the real subtleties of human interaction, here. There are very fine lines between rudeness,frankness and endearing honesty, and most adults get it wrong from time to time, let alone naturally self-centred 7-year olds. And better the confident, happy little boy who ruins his brother's cake and is rude about a party than the terrified little boy who doesn't involve himself in anything because he's too scared to put a foot wrong. He may offend people as he gets older, but most people do, and so long as he has a close, supporting family and one or two friends, hopefully he won't be too harmed by his mistakes.

Part of Aspergers is a developmental delay. So he is still progressing with regards to emotional maturity - just slower than his peers. So he will progress as he gets older, and in another 10 years or so he won't be nearly so distinguishable from his peers.

So as he gets older, he will get better with all of this kind of stuff.

Also, any rules you can teach him will help. Ie you should lie rather than hurting someone's feelings.

My aspie is almost 10, and is heaps heaps better about this kind of stuff than he was when he was 7.

wow, great links and reall helpful advice about handling the voice/tone, thanks all

ds1 has just made me shed a couple of self-indulgent tears actually

he sidles up to me (starkers, he hates clothes in the holidays) with chocolate all over his face, gives me the most angelic smile and says:

"Mummy, I think I have had a really good idea! You know when somebody hates you and is nasty to you and just doesn't like you at all? Well how about instead of fighting back and being even meaner, you could try just smiling and being really kind to them and they might change their minds and make things better? Do you think that could work?"

I love him so much, my little oddball

I was odd, and I was bullied, which is probably at the root of the worry. I know freom past threads that lots of other MNers have been through bullying too. There are times when I think of just pulling him out and home edding, but I know really that's not what he needs.

The option to Home Ed never disappears. You can do it when he's any age. So try not to worry about the future too much.

He sounds wonderful. Just keep trying to encourage his strengths - and don't spend all your efforts on trying to fix his weaknesses or make him normal.