blamed for my son's special needs

[redhappy]

I can't be the only person this has happened to, but I'm so angry right now I can't believe it.

Dp had been using my laptop, so when I went to check my emails didn't realise straight away I was logged into his account. There were several emails from his mother. Basically she has been sending him links to articles and suggesting my son has asd because of my parenting.

She has no respect for boundaries, something I have accepted and generally leave her to it, but this has me absolutely fuming. I feel like I really need to say something to her but I don't know what. She seems to have so little understanding of other people and their feelings, reactions etc.

I wanted to put this on AIBU but bit scared they'd lay into me and start saying it was my fault too.

What do you do about an interfering MIL who goes behind your back and blames you?!

Please, I really need some advice. I don't want to start a fight with her but I cannot let this one lie.

redhappy,

I have experience of toxic relations myself (both my inlaws and BIL are as dysfunctional as a box of frogs) so could give you some counsel re this aspect of things.

Has your partner noticed or commented at all on relations or a lack of same between you and his mother?. I would think this problem has gone on now for a long time now. Has he also told you about her emails (my guess is he has not, has he responded at all to these?). I presume as well he has not mentioned this for fear of upsetting you further. I would now tell him that you have seen these from his mother re your son and you both now need to present a direct front with regards to his mother. You cannot permit such a blatant lack of respect on her part for both of you without consequences.

Its no excuse at all for him at all (he does need to grow a pair sharpish and stand up for his family) as his first loyalty should be to you but some men do find it incredibly difficult to stand up to such toxic women because they have had a lifetime of accepting such behaviours and conditioning as "normal".

Would also not accept her lack of boundaries; this gives her then carte blanche to ride roughshod over you which is what she is doing now - to both of you as well as your child. I would think she is just the same with other family members and has managed to alienate them as well.

Why do such people act like this?. Its partly because their own parents treated them poorly as well, this started way back in her own childhood. However, her problems are not your responsibility, you did not make her this way and she has chosen to act as she does.

You do not mention her H; is he around?. Sometimes such men act as "bystanders" in this overall dysfunction out of a sense of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

You know as well as I do that ASD has NOTHING to do with parenting skills; her attitude stinks and could well damage your relationship irrepairably if allowed to continue. She will drive a wedge between you both if permitted to do so so you both need to act decisively and unitedly.

At home I would block her email address as a matter of course and screen all calls. I would also limit totally all contact both indirect and direct between yourselves and his mother. This is something that has worked for me; your son does not need or deserve such a toxic grandparent in his life.

You may also want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this may help you.

Didn't want to read and run. I ended up having some counselling after my sons diagnosis (long story) and relationships with MIL improved after the sessions. She is exactly the same, but my ability to ignore her and rise above it has come on apace. Just having the counsellor 'officially' agree she can be exceptionally hard to deal with was a big help. He also validated what I thought was an irrational phobia of visiting, and this empowered me to protect myself.

I stay away as much as I can, and keep phone calls to a polite minimum. If we are together I ensure someone else is there as psychological support. I try to When the complete lack of empathy bugs me, I make a mental note to do some extra work with ds on this area, and try to presume she's being ASD rather than deliberately evil.

The part you need to address fast is her challenging behaviour wrt your husband. If he is tactically ignoring the content of the emails, you can work with him and ignore them together. If she can get between you and manipulate his thoughts and feelings, then all the last posters emergency measures may be needed. The paediatrician backs me up in assuring DH that neurology is physical. She is completely unable to manage DS and I do an ok job most of the time.

Thankyou both for your thoughtful replies. We already have Toxic parents, will get a copy of Toxic In_Laws too.

I told dp straight away when I saw the emails and I asked him if this was what he thought? He pointed out that he hadn't replied to the emails, hadn't mentioned them to me, and in fact they are from July. In the past she did used to get into his head (eg. I was manipulating him when we had an unplanned child) not so much that he outright believed her word, but that she could plant seeds of doubt in there. As time has gone past our relationship has strengthened. He now regularly defends me because we talk about our lives, our family and how we want to bring the children up, so he understands why I might have said/done something.

I have contacted my bil (her daughter's partner) to ask his advice. Ultimately I am limiting contact now. I need to work out what I do next and just prevent contact til then.

Thankyou again for replies.

I don't answer the landline, just do 1471 after (need to get a phone with called display!) and never answer calls from her to my mobile. I thought we had reached a good place, where we were courteous, polite, and respected each others home, and the right to live in it the way we choose. Obviously that was only on my side, she just went 'underground' with her accusations and criticisms. She is much more involved with dp's sister's life, and I know sil's partner really has problems with this, and regularly tries to get me more involved in 'sorting her out' which I have refused up til now.

She is a nightmare to be honest. She hasn't had a relationship for years, so oversteps the boundaries in her relationship with her son. When dp told her ds was asd her first response was 'I've got that!'. Now whenever I see her she goes on about how she has this 'special connection' with ds, she has always understood him better than anyone else. So far I have felt that I have humoured her, as she is a lonely old lady and as long as she wasn't actually doing any harm....

How old is your ds?

When ds1 was 2 mil was over to 'help' as we were moving. We had removal men coming in and ds1 was obsessed with having the front door shut so I asked her to take him into the garden so he wouldn't see the front door open whilst a small van was filled. She was not happy with this for some reason (at the time he would swing for hours so it was an easy job). So she brought him inside. He saw the front door abd had a huge meltdown he was throwing himself on the removal men, she couldn't get him up the stairs as he'd lost the plot. The removal men finished and left, front door was shut and peace instantly resumed.

And mil's comment? 'i think that's because someone said no to him for the first time'. I walked away whilst dh swore at her.

At that time I used to get a lot of being told I was too negative when actually I was just realistic.

Now he's 11 and still non-verbal we don't get that sort of nonsense but tbh I found it very hard and I'm not sure I've ever really forgiven her.

Aww bless that must be hard for you, no advice really as I think the advide that others has given is good but OP sending you a vurtual hug.

RedHappy,

What a horrid situation, and one that I am used to unfortunately. My MIL thinks that DS can be 'fixed' with love - i.e I dont love him enough. Apparently I have managed to convince all these people of DS's problems, including a physio who looked at his walking - that was a waste of time apparently as it would all clear up if I let him walk more

I really dont know what the answer is. I normally bite my tongue as I cant deal with the stress of the fallout that will happen if I say something. I do however make sly comments here and there which make me feel better.

Well I have come to some sort of conclusion I think.

I am going to talk to dp later, and I hope he agrees to what I suggest because I think it's important we show a united front to her.

Basically I am going to say she cannot have any contact until she gets some counselling.

I spoke to bil and he said last week they had fallen out with her, they were defending me over something she'd said, but hadn't told me because they didn't want to stress me out.

So I think that short term I need to protect my child from her negative behaviour and attitude towards me. Long term things need to change, since she wont listen to anyone else I think we literally need to call in the professionals.

redhappy, it is a common psychological reaction to seek someone to blame when there is a situation outside of your control. She is your DS's grandmother, and is from a generation where a child with SN of any sort was probably just the slightly 'odd kid' in class. I think it is hard for that generation to accept that our children have SN.

I am not excusing her behaviour, but you really have to take these things with a pinch of salt. Sadly, she won't be the last to blame you.

Hi there, I have had a very similar situation with a relative which has been extremely upsetting and carried on for 13 years now.

The crux of it is that this relative is ultimately jealous of my relationship with my husband so, in a way, I know it is not personal: whoever ended up marrying my husband was going to have the same problem!

I suspect that that is what is going on with your DH's mother (it's a classic mother-in-law problem really). It also means that if she wasn't attacking you about this then it would probably be something else. The only aim is to try and undermine your husband's confidence in you.

However, I think insisting that she has counseling (alone) might not be the best way forward for a couple of reasons. There are as many bad counsellors as good ones out there (I have a great one now but had a very bad - actually dangerous - one before).

She may well completely distort the situation to her counsellor and then feel validated in her bad behaviour. She might lie to others about what her counsellor tells her to others and cause more problems. Family therapy might work but she might be unwilling, or just too unstable and old to change now... and do you really have the time/money for that?

I also think there is a bigger question about not expecting people to change their behaviour... all you can really do is change yours so that boundaries are put in place and that you and your husband stand firm and together.

You need to work out what behaviours you will and won't accept from her and if she challenges them, then no contact (blocking calls and emails if necesssary) until an apology is made and the boundaries are reiterated and respected.

Making sure you (and possibly your husband) are not alone with her is also good advice from someone below too.

The biggest challenge of all (and which nearly broke us up at one point) was making my DH realise that it was abusive behaviour (he had experienced it since childhood so for him it was 'normal') and that we had to take action.

I don't manage this all of the time (don't want to make it sound easy!) but I know (and have been supported by a good therapist) that this is the way to go... it is a work in progress though.

We have just had a very bad month (perhaps the worst...) with said relative and as I am pregnant and feel quite vulnerable I am both more upset about it than usual and more angry that my time and energy has to be spent dealing with it.

Good luck. It's a good sign that your DP and BIL are supportive, I've found the best thing for me has been to surround myself with the most supportive people and avoid the topic with the less supportive ones. It's great if you can educate people and turn their views around, but you'll have enough on your plate with your son and that has to take priority.

Caller display is a good idea, and resist reading any future emails (could set up a filter/block but not sure if you dp would be happy with that).

Such a long post, hope not too long!!

Also wanted to add that you have to just 'cut of the air' from the bad behaviours (can't give them any attention at all which means ending phone calls, blocking emails etc.) and try and reward good behaviours in the future (and after boundaries have been set) by limited but polite and respectful contact.

In our situation rows were a disaster because the person was still getting attention if you see what I mean.

Thankyou. I just don't know what to do now.

I thought I was doing what you've been suggesting, but it hasn't been respected from her side, and I can't accept it. Up til now I have let it lie, decided what's imporant is that my son's needs are met, I don't need to trkae what she says to heart etc etc.

But what happens when you can't do that anymore? I just can't.

I think when you feel like this you (and your DH) just have to have no contact for a while to give yourselves a break. It is so so painful and sometimes never gets resolved. I know you won't be able to stop hurting and thinking about it but at least you can not give her any more time right now (and try and do something nice for yourself/your son/your DH with that time if you can).

Do you think she is the kind of person that would agree to counselling?

I get this from ex and ex pils .

Everything from your making it up, attention seeking, emotionally abusing ds2, nothing 'wrong with him' to ds2 needs to live with usfor his own sake.
I've had the bloody works!
They have interferred with proffesionals, written letters and made phone calls demanding confidential information and slagging me off.

I know this because all proffesionals involved have let me know this is what they are doing.. And ask me how I would like to continue.

In my case they have just shown themselves up for who they are.. Everyone is very aware of them.

try and keep the team spirit at home and ignore as she sounds a bit off the rails tbh...

Have taken her off my facebook today. I know that sounds silly, but it means she can't track me and my thoughts, but I am still free to be open with my friends.

Showed this thread to dp (just before I did my second post) so going to chat with him about things later.

I know I can't cut her out forever, but will be good to have a break and get my thoughts together.

ArsenicCC yes she is totally off the rails! Hence why we don't know what to do or say to her!

redhappy,

re your comment:-

"Basically I am going to say she cannot have any contact until she gets some counselling".

It won't work with her. This type of person would never go to counselling anyway as they feel they have done nothing wrong in the first place. Also such people never apologise for their actions let alone take any responsibility for them. You would not tolerate this from a friend, why should any family member be any different here?. What you can do now is change how you react to her and both of you need to put firm and consistent boundaries in place. She cannot and will not be "fixed".

As this women is truly a toxic influence on your lives there is no reason at all actually why you cannot cut her off completely. However, many people in these types of situations do get caught up in the FOG - i.e fear, obligation, guilt. I feel this is what you are both in. MIL is indeed toxic and off the rails.

You are not responsible for how she acts, you did not make her this way. She has actively chosen to act like this. Do read Toxic Inlaws as well. You may also want to read about NPD - narcissistic personality disorder.

Thankyou so much. I needed to hear those words. I think dp is blinded by duty, and as you say, guilt.

You are right about the counselling. She often talks about other people needing it, and now I am wondering why she hasn't done it for all these years (as she does admit she was a terrible mother, or rather she made some terrible decisions).

i feel under pressure from everyone else to just 'let it go', dp, my mum, sil and bil...they say she's not doing any real harm.

Do you see your inlaws at all now?
If I stop all contact (which nobody else wants or is prepared to do) then I will forever be seen as the bad one in all this.

I think the best advice came from lougle,some people just cant help it they dont really understand asd,and why some dc have it.
I think it would be really sad for all involved if you fell out with mil.
I understand how you feel I would be livid too,but lifes to short to be arguing and feeling hurt.
Can you not arrange a meeting with her and have a heart to heart tell her how she has upset you and how life is hard enough with ds and you could do with her support.
Im sure you would feel better if you did this as you and your dp sound very close and for you and his mum to fall out would upset him.
I hope you can sort things out soon x

Unfortunately it just wont work. There is always something she is trying to manipulate. She now claims that she has asd and suddenly has this special connection with ds that's always been there (it hasn't. When I had dd everyone was so taken by there being a girl in the family ds didn't get a look in)

She has a disabled daughter who she brought up in the 70s so it's not a generational issue here.

Attila's answers seem to really get where I'm coming from. Have been reading about npd this evening and fits mil so well!

I'm going to take a couple of days to think about what I do next. Really I need to withdraw I think. And agree certain boundaries with dp that he has to enforce with her.