autism and dealing with death. Advice and opinions please.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

My beloved grandad is terminally ill. Diagnosed only a few days ago, he has weeks to live.

We (my and my husband) are finding it impossible to decide how to handle it with the children.

If we don't tell them until he dies then I suppose that's easier because we only have to deal with the questions etc after that.

But is that wrong? I am spending a lot of time there atm, he needs 24/7 care now and the family is all pitching in. My boys know he's poorly but have no idea he is not going to get better.

I know ds1 will be devastated. He will want to talk about it all the time, will become obsessed with death (it's happened before) ds2, I believe, will not care (it's not his fault, just how he is) but is likely to say things like "you're going to die", which clearly would be totally unacceptable. No amount of coaching or instructing on my part will prevent this. I speak from experience! I have to jump in and talk loudly over him! The other week, for example, he leaned into my grandad (in hospital but pre-diagnosis) and said "let me see your teeth" (my grandad's front teeth have fallen out, leaving rotten stubs. He's very sensitive about it) I had to yank ds2 away and talk loudly! He's just clueless about other people's feelings, got no real empathy, you know?

Or perhaps we should keep the boys away from him altogether for these last few weeks.

I'm so confused. There doesn't seem to be a right thing to do, just a choice between several wrong things.

Or maybe it just feels that way because I am losing my wonderful grandad and everything seems horrible. I don't know.

I have had to break it to them about other people, for eg my grandma who died a couple of years ago. ds1 was very upset, wanted to talk about it, and about heaven and hell, but kept raising it with my mum and grandad and the last thing they wanted was to hear that grandma was dead! ds2 was told and promptly forgot all about it. Didn't react at all. Which I suppose could be very painful for people?

But to face this - he's going to die within weeks - to tell (and prepare) or to leave it until it happens, well, I just don't know. Me and my husband are going round in circles.

How have you handled death with your autistic child?

Thanks v much.

No. Sadly I can't ask him. He doesn't know that he has so little time left. That was a decision my parents made and I can't take it upon myself to give that information. Regardless whether or not I think it is the right choice. (whole other thread!!)

Oh, he knows he has cancer, but not how short a time he has left. He does not want to discuss it though. He must be ver scared.

My mum thinks it's best to not tell them. We haven't discussed whether or not we'll take the lads to see him again, it's been left open.

If I could be sure they'd handle the information appropriately, it would be so much easier. You know?

thanks v much. It's so much to think about and to balance, isn't it?

Thanks.

It's odd. I feel numb. Oddly detached from it in a way. Coldly considering the best option re the kids. While at the same time I hurt everywhere, almost physically, iyswim. It's really hard to explain.

So mostly I just carry on as normal. Including posting pointless rubbish on jokey threads on here.

I don't really understand it, tbh.

Yes, waiting for him to die is just indescribably horrible. It's so painful that it doesn't hurt at all. Does that even make sense? It's beyond feeling.

Yes, my mum is heartbroken. And she's doing what she always does when she's upset - she masks it with anger. Everyone is the enemy. I've seen her cry though. Which if you knew my mum!... She never lets anyone see an emotion (other than anger! She lets everyone see plenty of that )

And it is just do what I can, just get on with stuff.

Although today I bought suits for my children. I didn't say to myself why I have bought them, but I know why I've bought them. It's awful.