Hopes for new baby - are my feelings normal?

[Twowillbefine]

So, essentially hoping for some reassurance that my feelings are normal.....

DS1 is 3.9 and ASD, no language, still in nappies etc. A gorgeous, loving and cheerful person who I love to bits but not what one might have hoped for from first baby.

DS2 is 5 days old and I cannot help but hope he isn't ASD and will be "normal". This makes me feel really disloyal to DS1 and as if by feeling this I love him less somehow. I keep getting emotional not about baby but about C who is making progress but is still significantly behind other children his age.

I'm explaining this really badly and not sure how or what I want to say. Am I being treacherous to C to want new baby (no name yet) not to be like him?

Congratulations on your baby!

Of course you are not being treacherous.

Nobody wishes for an ASD child. And you will love this darling baby whether or not he has ASD. And you will continue to love DS1 whatever DS2 is like.

You're just going through a lot of hormonal emotions at the moment. Try to just survive the next couple of weeks :)

Hope you agree a name soon. :)

Ds1 is severely autistic. He's funny, lovely and very affectionate and has made my world a better place.

I was desperate for ds2 & ds3 not to have autism. Not being able to speak age 11 is no fun let alone all the other issues. We did everything we could to help ds2 and ds3 avoid autism. They're 5 & 8 now and fine :) They love their brother but are pleased they're not autistic.

Hi there
I'm due in 6 weeks time. DS1, will be 3, has quad CP with no language. Of course I love him but I won't lie, there are times when dh and I think we'd have been better off if he hadn't made it. I genuinely appreciate how awful that sounds and I hate myself for it, but it's true.

Giving birth to him was most horrific experience of my and dh's lives, so utterly dreading the next one. Even after it's over, because I'm so intune with ASN and all the things that can go wrong, I'm worried I won't relax with next DC.

I know it sounds selfish but the thought of another DC with SN is too much to bear. I jjust want it all to be ok

Can completely empathise with you OP. Although we knew that ds did not have same inherited genetic disorder that has caused loads of health and developmental probs for dd (also our first) he was diagnosed with congenital infection that could have caused loads of probs. I was abs devastated and couldn't begin to contemplate having another child with sn. He hasn't and of course I am pleased about that.

But yknow whatever the outcome we would have been ok. Tis just mightily impossible to imagine that whilst looking at newborn. Also think that when yr hit by sn issues 1st time round, the desire for everything to go as it should have first time or more to the point what you expected is huge. But obv you are more aware of probs and fearful it won't. I desperately wanted annt child so I could relate to all my friends and regular mums I knew. Normalise stuff a bit

Sooki
Am in same situation as you now. Nearly 35 weeks pg. Are you having an elective?

Thanks all. Glad I'm not the only one feeling like this.

Good luck to Sooki and herjazz for the next few weeks!

Normal in every eway yes, as Mum to two with ASD, one with dyspraxia and a 2 year old that seems NT

Herjazz - you betcha. Couldn't bear the anxiety of what might happen. Told that damage to DS that caused CP probably happened in last weeks of pregnancy (though DH still thinks due to traumatic birth) so beside myself with worry.

Getting it at 39 weeks on 28th Sept - frankly could do with it asap.

I think most people see birth and new baby as such a happy occasion but for us it's associated with such a bad time, I keep telling people to stop telling me 'good luck' or 'it'll be fine'.

Finger's crossed though.

Congratulations on your new baby :)

I totally know where you are coming from, and it is totally normal to feel the way you do.

I became pregnant with DS3 a month after DS2 was DX with autism. From DS3 being born I was watching for signs that might make me think DS3 has an ASD. So far, he seems NT, which is great. If he did/does have an ASD then we will deal with it, but I don't think he does. He does mimic a few things DS2 does, but I know it is just copying rather than his own behaviour.

Enjoy your new baby and try not to think too much about this at the minute. You've just given birth and will drive yourself crazy worrying all the time.

Yep I absolutely know where you're coming from. DS is 3.4 and (no dx yet but) probable asd. DD 9 months and so far really quite different. Mixed feelings of anxiety about whether she is autistic too, relief when I think she (even at her young age) is almost certainly nt, and guilt at the same time. Doesn't mean you love your ds1 any less. I love both my children so much it's indescribable but I also would wish ds didn't have autism - not cos I love him less but because like all of us, we don't want anything to make our children's lives any harder than they should be - and having sn does make life harder.

Sorry, this is dreadfully explained, it's late and I need to go to bed!

Oh and congratulations on your new baby