how do I get ASD son to understand that other people don't exist purely for his benefit?

[SomeGuy]

Was watching DS (8) playing in the park. He is not at all shy about approaching children he's never met, and was trying to play with this girl who was about 6.

Trouble is he mostly likes to talk about Super Mario, which is ok with some children, but I don't think she was very interested.

DD is 3 doesn't have ASD but is quite shy about other children. The other girl was trying to engage with her, which was quite sweet but DS who is basically oblivious to what other people might already be doing (games being played, conversations being had, etc.) shouted something across them so it was impossible for the girl to make a connection with my daughter.

A few minutes later DS got quite upset and was stamping his foot because he'd obviously annoyed this girl enough and she said she didn't want to play with him. He said 'but I don't like losing a friend'. I explained that it was her choice whether she played with him or not and that she had different interests, but he really doesn't 'get it'.

Any thoughts?

My ds is much younger so I'm afraid I can't help from direct experience, but I thought maybe about either social stories, or 'practicing' turn-taking/conversations with your ds at home (I've seen videos of this). Sorry if I'm teaching grandmother to suck eggs here, you may have tried all this already!

We have to learn the rules for interacting with people. If a child has an understanding of time, then the 'social story' I'd use with this would be to say

Go up to the person you want to be friends with.
Ask them if they are OK.
Listen for the answer.
If they are OK, ask them if they would like to hear about (subject X) for a couple of minutes.
If they say yes, talk for (2 mins). Then stop and ask them if they would like to talk about something.
When they are talking, listen to what they are saying and say "oh?" and "wow" at various times. Don't interrupt them with your own information whilst they are talking.

That's really basic and just a part of it, and doesn't include tone of voice, loudness, eye contact, how close to stand to them etc, but it's a start. Learning those rules makes it easier for us to gradually build up to really listening and caring about other people. Just takes a very long time.

It helps if friends can learn a STOP sign, e.g. the word STOP and putting a hand up and then explaining clearly what needs to be done differently, too.

Amberlight, I love your social story, my Dd3 would really benefit from some but I lack the knowledge and confidence to write them for her.
Its great that you added in that he must listen for an answer and say "oh" and "wow" at various times.
This helps me understand how much I need to break down information for Dd3.
Sorry for the hijack.

I've found "oh?" and "wow!" can get me through anything up to an hour of conversation with people. Sometimes with "goodness me!" and "really?" thrown in to break it up a bit. Has to be said really convincingly. I really am interested, but my tone of voice is useless at showing it, so that has to be practised a lot.

Listening for the answer is SO hard. Not least because we use answers as excuses to download a load of info at people, which is Not Helpful . Being told to speak for no more than X time or for X number of sentences is really handy. Then ask permission to say more.

Sharing conversation in a group - even with two people - is a major skill that I couldn't do until I was well into my 20s.

Sorry to thread-jack, but that sounds like the perfect learning tool for DS - he will talk on at someone AT LENGTH about his things - (usually numbers or spelling) he has NO idea that other people might well not be interested, he just likes to tell them information, as you say!

Mind you DP could benefit from it too (with all the research we're doing with having ds assessed etc, we are convinced that DP has the same issue himself, and really does need to learn this type of stuff, he really doesnt know when too much information is too much and can tell people all there is to know about something and they may only have asked a very small thing!)

Thta's REALLY Helpful!

not really thread-jacking, my son does talk about numbers quite incessantly too.

Problem is as amberlight says it'se adult difficult for a mature adult with autistic tendencies to realise 'this person doesn't necessarily want to hear every detail of to what I might have to say, I'm really not that interesting, it's just that they are politely listening to me, but I really should stop and let them talk.'