Red and yellow card update and a question

[Ineed2]

Have started using the red and yellow cards I posted about the other day. So far so good altough I haven't gone in too hard and am letting Dd3 get used to the idea. Can't change her behaviour over night. Any way she has had a few yellow cards, the first couple of time she charged off to her room, but did calm very quickly and we left her to it. But and this is my question should I be trying to get an apology? She definatly undertands that seeing a yellow card means that she has done something wrong. And we are giving her a very clear explanation eg. I showed you a yellow card because you shouted at me etc.
She never apologises without a massive struggle and even then she usually shouts or growls "Sorry". I just wondered if while I am introducing the cards I should enforce the expectation that she apologises if she has done something to upset somebody. Or is this just tooo complex and I am wasting my time?
Sorry a bit of a ramble, but I really need some advice.

Personally I'm not big on apologies. Really all you are doing is teaching her to lie

But very glad to hear that the cards are working. Please keep us updated....

Lol at teaching her to lie indigo, you are right, why should she say sorry if she's not, still laffing.
The trouble is if I want her social skills to improve do you not think she ought to learn to say it?

Making a child apologise just seems like away of proving to the child that you can impose your will on them. It feels pointless to me and I would never do it except for the fact that schools will make them do it. I imagine that reaction from a teacher to a child saying "but I'm not sorry" would be fairly disapproving. For that reason only I have tried to get my children to understand the need to apologise but it's very hard to explain to a child with AS.

I do however always suggest that if something has happened by accident or the child does feel remorse it would be a good way to make things better and always praise them for doing so.

I am pretty rubbish at all this, but from our experience I would stick to teaching only 1 thing at a time. If she gets used to that you could then introduce the idea of 'sorry' and situations where that would be expected of her. If we introduce too much at once it just gives DS2 extra things to kick back against or argue the toss over, and also if one aspect is successful but not the other does that then get seen as an overall positive or not?

Can tell it is the summer hols as many posters have turned to issues of behaviour . We have just started (thanks to Marne's suggestion on another post) positive notes - I printed high-5 hands and we write good reactions/behaviours on them and then put them by the bed at night. I am such a gloomy person I need the reminder of what he has done well with too and we want to see what happens if we just emphasise the positive for a while.

I think on reflection it would be better to leave the apologies for a bit. I might revisit it another time. The whole point of introducing the cards was to aid my [and hers] stress levels so it now seems daft to try to force an apology which is only going to cause more confrontation, especially when she has take to the idea of the cards so well. I really want so much to enjoy our time together in the holidays.
Once again brilliant advice mumsnetter, It is so nice to run these ideas past someone and get really helpful advice. Thanx everyone.

I would leave apologies because you're likely to get confrontational.

I'd save apologies for a social story. If she has the understanding to apologise, she has the understanding to benefit from social stories iyswim.

I use one social story with her about being respectful towads adults at home and school.
It is made up of 4 pictures with one line of writing per picture. I down loaded it from the web, its billiant and really gets the message across, I have one hanging in my kitchen and one ready to hang in the tent when we go away on Saturday.
I definatly need to use social stories but feel I need some more information about them before I write them myself.
Will probably post a thread when I get back asking for more advice.

DS apologizes profusely without me ever insisting on it, he just picked it up and uses it when he sees we're cross (so obviously I encourage it because I delude myself it goes with some sort of face-reading, recognizing emotion thing).
BUT like I suspect many NT kids (and adults!) he thinks saying sorry is just a ticket to more bad behaviour. He says sorry mum and then is at it again. In fact, he's probably got the real, hypocritical nature of apologies down to a t