ADHD - help with how to feel about things....

[sunnymum44]

Hi, am hoping some parents of ADHD diagnosed children will be able to help me. Had first meeting with paediatrician on friday and she has said that my DS(4) is likely to have ADHD at a medium level. I'm sure people will say wait for an actual diagnosis before worrying but in my heart of hearts I know he has it as we have struggled for 3 years now and she has recommended that we start reading some books on ADHD before we and his teachers do the questionnaires at the end of next term, his first in reception. I think it's suddenly hit me last night and I have a couple of issues that I need help with please.

Firstly, how do I feel about other people knowing/ not knowing. I know they say "don't Google" anything medical - well I didn't but I " mumsnetted "!! On looking at just a few threads initially I am shocked at the mention by some people (those without ADHD children) that ADHD is used as an excuse by bad parents for their child's naughty behaviour and their own failures. Is this what some people will think about us? We've tried everything including a parenting course and all types of discipline. I know some friends will be very understanding but I can imagine others saying "aaah, he's always been badly bahaved, never had enough discipline etc....". Probably those whose child has been clouted 10 times by him over the years... Did you tell people or keep it to yourselves or choose who to tell, who not to tell?? Also it's become apparent to me recently that his school (independent) unbelievably doesn't really "support" special needs and a few children have been pulled out because of it. The school will have to know to get a diagnosis but has anyone experienced their child's school treating them differently/ not being supportive? The paed has said she knows of other ADHD children at the school so that makes me feel a bit better.

My second issue (apologies, this is a very long post) is how to feel about my boy? I can't help really noticing everything about his behaviour now over the last couple of days. I feel extremely sad that we've probably been in denial that there's something wrong and feel terribly guilty about all the discipline he's had over the last few years - obviously he's had to be disciplined for bad behaviour but should I have been more lenient on him or not?? How should I react to bad behaviour now? In front of other people, I can't not chastise him for being naughty can I.... I just feel so sad that this could affect him for the rest of his life too. I know that some children do get a lot better and there are ways to help them control their impulsiveness etc. but will he always get very angry and clout his peers? He has lots of friends and everyone seems to like him as he's such a character so that's good.

So, does anyone have any advice on any of this please to help me feel better? Thank you for reading.

Sounds tough for you at the moment.

Judgement by other parents comes even with 'average' NT children too but can be worse when your kids has sn particularly ADHD (sorry) I have a ds with ASD and ADHD and both his dad and I are teachers - so really ignorant people think that we must be crap parents AND rubbish teachers.

The truth we are neither!! and nor are you.

Who to tell? Well, I'd get your head round it first (and it took me a long long time) and then tell who you need to. After you've got used to that then you might be brave enough to jump out the sn closet. I decided to run the London Marathon for the NAS and brazenly swaggered around the school playground in my NAS t-shirt asking for sponsorship. People were surprisingly open really and I'm afraid I did play up the sympathy vote for extra cash.

Separating the ADHD from naughtiness is very hard. It will be harder for his teachers so they will need to be told what the situation is.

He can improve but it will take time. You need to be strong for him and yourselves. Be a good example for him to copy and keep looking for good in his behaviour and tell him and praise him like mad when he does something right. He's clearly likeable and that goes a very long way in the world.

Apply for DLA to pay for extras that you think he could use.

Hang around here - there's a wealth of experience and help which can help.

Thank you Spinkle, really appreciate your comments & advice. Well done for the Marathon! By the way what does NT mean? Probably really obvious but I'm new to these threads!

On the teacher front, they haven't mentioned any particular concerns over the last year in nursery (except for lots of time outs & silly behaviour etc.). Maybe it will become more obvious to them when they realise there may be an issue? Or could it be the case that diagnosis is difficult? Because he's going in to a new class, the paed recommended waiting a term for the questionnaires which I agree with. It's not that I'm desperate for him to be diagnosed but I know the questionnaires have to be conclusive from 2 different settings ie. home and school. What happens if it's not conclusive from school? I'm worried he won't get the help he needs. Thanks.

you always discpline - you have to discipline - but you are going to need more patience than you ever thought you would need and disciplining a child with ADHD can seem like a pointless task. It's not though, it does work, but where you might need to tell a 'normal' child 5 times not to touch/hit/nag, you will need to tell a child with ADHD 300 times. But you still need to tell them, again, and again, and again.

Exercise, as much exercise as physically possible. Exercise him until he is red in the face and his legs are buckling. Exercise him until he is grinning and panting for breathe, then get him to run home.

Punish bad behavior with a short withdrawal of stimulation. Ds1 has to go to his room and be bored for 10 minutes if he hits or is rude or destroys things he's been told not to touch...

Thank you Colditz. What you describe sounds just like us already - having to repeat things over and over (school have asked me to get his hearing tested!!) and not being able to tire him out ever - he's always had boundless energy. I'll have to work harder at running him ragged then.

Do you have any experience of others' reactions to it and did you tell everyone? Thanks.

I told my dad, who thinks he just needs 'to stop playing those computer games, I read something (in the Daily Express) that kids with ADHD play too many computer games"

Well, yes they do. They play the computer games because they are the only thing fast paced enough to hold their attention. The computer game is not causing the ADHD.

I told the school teacher who said "Oh, we don't have many problems here"

"Except that you lost him for 20 minutes when he was 5 years old and you went on a fucking outing without him, because he went to the cloakroom to get his coat and simply didn't come back. And you can't get any writing out of him because he doesn't sit still. And he still, at 7, does not put his hand up to answer questions, shouting out as he hears them instead.

I tell people who, as he is 7, seemed baffled about why I treat him like a toddler by not letting him out of my sight for a second - and they just continue to look baffled.

I'll be honest - most people think you're talking shit and making it up. You just have to get used to it.

^How to feel about my boy?" This is an interesting question which we're battling with as well.

Before dx all of DS's behaviour seemed nomral - and now it all looks like ASD - because our view on the world has changed. It really screws with my head sometimes.

We're totally open about DS1's ADHD (which he has co-morbid with autism) when it's relevant to be. Those who doubt ADHD can't ever have spent any time with a child who has it.

As for discipline, the last thing you want to do is be lenient. Yes, you will have to pick your battles, especially if your child is the type who will argue day is night with you because there's nothing good to be gained from living in a state of permanent confrontation, but where boundaries do matter (where your child or someone else could be in even a small amount of danger in some way or where where property could get damaged) then you have to be firm and resolute and consistent. You will also need to take extra care to point out the positive to your child in a way you are all comfortable with. No sense in being all over-enthusiastic if it makes you comfortable, but just quietly demonstrating that you've noticed when something has been done well (or even just plain at all) makes all the difference to a child's self-esteem in the long term.

um, uncomfortable, that is

i feel for you as im currently in a similar position,my son is off to seniors soon and im worried sick

He has a twin total opposite and at the moment their away on a adventure camp ,an hour ago had a call saying if my son has another warning i will have to pick him up

he has pediatrition in 2weeks in a way frightened they wont find anything wrong if that makes sense,but classed as sn at refered by school so atleast thats something

Sorry Sunnymum- NY= neurotypical, normal in other words (should such a child exist)

Some great advice here.

Eventually you will have a very thick skin - believe me.

Mmmmmm, it's all quite a lot to take in. I thought we'd been pretty strong to have dealt with DS so far but it's now so daunting as we've always told ourselves, it's only a phase and he'll get better as he gets older - well that was 3 years ago and to know that it could get worse is very scary. And sounds like we're going to come up against a lot of ignorant people along the way too.....

Thanks for your advice everyone. Colditz, thanks for being so honest. listenandlearn, good luck - I know what you mean about being frightened nothing is wrong - even though you don't want it to be something, you want a reason for it all don't you... ouryve, will keep up the discipline then - have been keeping it up anyway actually to try and give him really clear messages about what is acceptable. Spinkle, thanks for the NT explanation!

And people including professionals will continue to question your parenting. I stopped listening (mostly) when I realised 50% said he had problems just from lack of discipline and the other 50% said the ADHD was cos I was too strict.

Other kids are bratty on purpose and they ignore it! I'd rather hyperactive/ impulsive/ inattentive any day. That said, I did an ADHD/asd parenting course where the tutors had kids with ADHD themselves... and it did help. If nothing else I can mentally wave my certificate at the doubters!

Lots of good advice already. All I'd add is to hang out with other SEN mums lots for encouragement and try to avoid comparing your family with NT norms, as it's the fastest way to feel bad. I read a really fab book called 'the selfish pig's guide to caring' recently which helped me realise how much I need to protect my own mental health. And one good point... you'll never again get time to be bored, at a loose end or feel unnecessary

hi sunnymum its so difficult to know how to react,think this forum is fab u learn so much just by scrolling through,and as for my sons behaviour while away got a call a few hours ago to pick him up,first night without any of the kids in a year and now cant go out as had to pick him up BUT thought about threads i read and didnt blow my stack (felt like it)stayed very calm but didnt talk much on purpose so he knew his behaviour wasnt correct

anyway sorry to hijack and good luck will look out for your posts

Thanks for your comments mariagoretti. I have always looked at "normal" families and thought why can't we be like that/ why does that child sleep in/ why doesn't their child hit? etc..... I must stop doing it now...

I'm looking at things so differently already now and will keep abreast of useful threads to get support and advice. Hope you're still managing to stay calm listenandlearn!

Actually today another mother told DS off twice and I actually pretended I hadn't seen both times (another mother thought it was very out of order but I just let her get on with it)... Feel guilty now but it must be the start of how I'm going to react differently to things.

Thanks everyone. Will watch keenly for more useful threads x