ASD I have some questions. Have DX....

[thefirstmrsDeVere]

Hello.
I have posted about my DS a few times and have had lots of help - thanks (was chegirl).

DS was dx with ASD at Easter. Came as total sshock. We knew he had LD and APD. I really didnt think he had ASD. Dont know why, just didnt.

Anyway - he has.

I have a few questions and wonder if anyone could help. I realise that all children are different but wondered if anyone experiences these things:

Moaning - DS moans constantly. Its like a low level murmur. Its almost like he doesnt eeally know what he is saying sometimes. From the moment he gets up/gets off the school bus he sets up 'I hate school' 'I dont like that, its boring' etc. He will even say it about things he obviously likes. No point asking him if he enjoyed something, its like he doesnt know what that means (sometimes)

'lying' I put it in commas because its not quite lying. e.g. today he said 'that time when you told me to go and lie in the road and get killed'. He was genuinly suprised when I protested (I was a bit upset tbh).

Food - have posted a few time about his 'stealing' of sweet/salty foods. More than a bit of sneaky nicking of the odd sweet - we are talking bags of sugar.

He is also v. attached to DS3 (2yrs). If I ask him to brush his teeth/get his breakfast etc he will always call DS3 to come with him. Its quite sweet but can be overpowering stoo. Luckily DS3 has a strong personality.

Crying/over reacting - if you say anything slightly negative or ask him to do something i.e. tidy room, he will start jumping up and down and crying. That often turns into a tantrum with lots of scratching (has terrible eczema). This can happen because he 'thinks' you have said something negative.

Any input would be appreciated. Thank you.

Yes to several of those things, both with my son and children I have taught on the spectrum.
Grumbling, yes. he grew out of it around 12. I used to listen for a bit to check how serious it was, then tell him that I knew what he'd said and he didn't need to tell me again. It was within his control and he could stop when reminded. I would calmly point out the good things, without making him agree with me.

Misremembering what was said, or seeing things from a completely different perspective. I'd try and untangle what had actually happened, lay out the facts without any emotional content at all. He lives in the moment and doesn't get stressed about past events or worry about the future at all. So sometimes we'd have to agree to differ, sometimes I had evidence that persuaded him. Sometimes I'd got it wrong and he'd remembered correctly.

I don't keep baking ingredients in the house unless I'm going to use them the same day.
He is capable of eating 1kg of marzipan, 500g of glace cherries, a bag of crystalised ginger, a tin of golden syrup and a bag of chocolate drops between 6am and 7am. And one memorable Christmas holidays when he was 7, that's what he did. Without ill effects.
It's settled down as he got older, he's got a sweet tooth now but nothing like the all-out gluttony and consumption that he was capable of pre-10 years old. I used to lock the cupboards too.

I have experienced the tantrums, head banging, scratching and roaring of a stressed child in class, DS doesn't do that.
For different children, I handled it in different ways. Some needed a clear order, to take away the decision-making element. Some needed time out on a beanbag. Some needed me to start the activity and include them in without questions, just simple one step 'Put that in the box on the table please.'
It's a question of thinking of a way to handle something, trying it, observing how effective it was and changing or adapting accordingly. Sometimes within a minute.
And removing your negative feelings from the situation, because they cloud things.

Thank you SO SO much for that Goblin

I am in the process of trying to work out what is ASD, what is LD/APD and what is down to personality.

Your post helps a lot.

The decision making thing - long before I knew he had ASD, I asked him to choose in a sweet shop. Big mistake, huge! Melt down followed by hours of 'I am disgusting, I am stupid'. I only give him a choice of two now.

His tantrums are nowhere near what they used to be. The problem is that he latches on to what he thinks he hears and runs with it. An innoxious (sp) comment can be turned into something quite different.

I spoke to him about the moaning today. I asked him if he knew he was doing it. Explained that it sounded very rude even if he didnt mean it and told him it was something we would talk about more.

I suppose its about 'teaching' him stuff that is obvious to others. Letting him know what the rules are so he can try and follow some of them.

'I suppose its about 'teaching' him stuff that is obvious to others. Letting him know what the rules are so he can try and follow some of them.'

And learning what is hardwired and unchangeable, what can be modified with careful teaching and what is him being an irritating, typical child.
It's an ongoing learning process for both of you and it won't ever end. Gets easier, spotting triggers and thinking of ways round and through, but it will be for the rest of your relationship. I find mine easier the older he gets, but he has AS and no other comorbids or LDs, so as his maturity grows so does his abilioty to manage himself and work out his own ways of coping.
Doesn't stop him being a pain in the arse 15 year old on occasion though.
Posting here to ask, or yell or wail will save your sanity on numerous occasions, so do it as often as you need to. The sn boards are stuffed with people who have walked similar pats and know all sorts of things it will be more difficult to learn about alone. Like DLA, Statementing and the rest. Mine has neither so I know little about it, but if you have a need, someone will know how to help.

Apologies for all the mis-hit keys, too early for me and computers to interact efficiently.

Hi

I can definitely relate to most of these behaviours -particularly the moaning and crying/over-reacting. Just this morning, I asked dd to lower her voice in case she woke her sister up and she started getting upset that she was 'useless'

Goblinchild's advice is spot-on and I also think that you end up having to work out a tailor-made plan for each child, as no two children on the spectrum are the same.

I find distraction works best with dd when she is moaning -sometimes it drives me insane,so I try to divert her attention asap.

DD craves crunchy, salty food (usually crisps)so I have tries to replace them with healthier options (eg those little bags of mini ryvitas) rather than tell her she can't have them at all. She has also sneaked sweets etc outside, but I tend to treat her the same as dd2 in this respect and tell her off -albeit in a gentler way, in case of a meltdown!

It's hard, I think, to find what will work. As Goblin says, it just continues and I find myself constantly adapting the way I deal with dd and looking for new methods.
Some things will get easier, though, as your ds gets older.

One of my biggest challenges is identifying which behaviours are linked to her AS and which are just NT developmental stages -and dd is just being a PITA

This board is invaluable for support and advice, so keep posting x

Thank you both

Isnt it strange to have a child who is exactly the same as he was before Easter BUT now has ASD? IYSWIM?

DS came to us at 8 weeks with a history of neglect and I knew his birth mum had undx LDs (and very possibly ASD now I think about it). Everything was so unsure, all wait and see.

With adopted/fostered children you have to look at attachment issues which can often be very like ASD/AS.

Then there is the Auditory Processing Disorder. That can make language diffiult so suffers tend to be literal and find it difficult to gauge social situations.

Then there are the LDs.

And of course he is a 7 year old boy

Buggered if I can work it all out

Thanks again for your help. I am sure I will be on more now the loooooong holidays have started.

Mine got his dx at 9, I do SWYM.
As for where he got it from, I look at his dad and there we are!

Dd1 (age 6 with Aspergers), moans a lot and cries a lot. She has tried to explain her feelings to me, she says that she can't store feelings in her head, they need to come out (through talking, moaning, crying), if she gets a bad thought in her head she feels like her head will burst if she doesn't let it out (and sort out the problem). She often gets anxious at night, will start crying, so i go up to her and she will say 'mummy, i have got bad thoughts in my head and i need to get them out' so i sit with her while she moans, winges and crys until she either falls asleep or we have sorted out all her problems (which can take a long time).
Dd1 can take a small comment from another child to heart and she wont be able to shake it off for days, it could be just a child saying 'i don't want to play with you', she wants to know why they wont play with her and then she starts to think no one likes her.

As for the lying, dd1 often says things that are not true, one day she said to her friend 'mummy drove up the back of someone last week in the car' which was not true. I think sometimes they find it hard to understand the difference between reality and fiction.

Marne, you could be describing my dd!

Goblinchild, I don't have to look too far to see where dd got her Asperger's from -DH is a textbook case

DS cant articulate like that Marne so it is interesting to hear your DD's explaination.

My OH definately displays some ASD traits but I cant 'blame' DS on him. They do share some of the same genes but he is not DS's bio father (complicated but not sordid story )

His birth mother has some odd behaviours. She definately cannot empathise and lost DS because she couldnt put his needs first. Sometimes I do wonder if she is on the spectrum.

Dd1 explains a lot of her feelings, sometimes i forget she's only 6 because some of the things she says are like what an adult would say.

My dh is also clearly on the spectrum. Looking back at me as a child i had a lot of ASD traits (i chewed my clothes, didn't talk very much, was very shy and cried a lot) so i suspect that i may be on the spectrum.

Today i was at my nans house and she was describing her sister to me (well moaning about her), she never goes out, doesn't like mixing with people etc.. so i can see it in the family.

Moaning and saying they don't like something when they obviously do - ds says no to things when he does not mean it. Autism Outreach Worker suggested that some children get into a cycle of saying no - and you just have to find out why and try to break it. Eg. fear of failure, embarrassment, being told off for not finishing a task or being nagged to finish it.

Also, with ds, I find he sometimes say he doesn't want to do something when I know he wants to do it - but he can't articulate his fear. Eg. going on a school residential. I knew he was looking forward to it but was nervous and then the night before he said he did not want to go and I told him that his dad was going with him and that calm him down.

'lying' - do you think he wants reassurance that you do not want that to happen? find that ds sometimes say things like mummy is going to do xxx or ds is going to do xxx and gets upset if i say yes because he wants the answer to be no and is happier when i clarify things.

I am finding this thread really useful. Its my first real foray into the subject from a mother's point of view.

I work with very young children with ASD. They tend to be on the more severe end of the spectrum and its very different when its not your own child anyway.

keep you make some very interesting points and I will definately think about what you have said.

I wanted to ask about something else.

DS is very destructive. Its quite hard to see how or why he does it but he breaks all his toys.

He doesnt seem to do in a temper (sometimes he does but not as much as when he was younger). He does like to throw things a lot and always has done. That obviously accounts for quite a few breakages.

e.g. I put up a playhouse for him. A shed type thing with pastic windows. He was excited about it and I was really pleased with it. Within a day or so he had broken every single window. I didnt see him break them and he didnt mention it. He wasnt hiding it, he just didnt think it was important.

I thought the first one was an accident but after the other three it seemed he did it on purpose. It doesnt seem malicious IYSWIM. He doesnt think its a problem and looked confused when I was upset (he didnt have dx then).

He doesnt have any toys that are 'whole'. When I recently decorated his bedroom. Within an hour (at most) he had dented his bed and scribbled on it. I had put up a huge canvas of superman and he sprayed it with furniture polish which totally ruined it. I have had to put a flush light fitting on the celing because he broke about 10 lampshades. I couldnt work out what was happening to them. It took me a while to realise he was jumping up and pulling them off the celing.

I could go on for pages but that would be boring and I think you probably get the gist. Is this common behaviour? Any tips?

Thanks again.

Just wanted to come back on something in your OP: "He is also v. attached to DS3 (2yrs). If I ask him to brush his teeth/get his breakfast etc he will always call DS3 to come with him. Its quite sweet but can be overpowering stoo. Luckily DS3 has a strong personality."

This is so like DS1. Unlike many children on the spectrum DS1 cannot bear to be on his own, and particularly pines if he is parted from DS2. So while I think many children on the spectrum find it a relief to go off and line up toys/play DS/stim on their own, DS1 just gets even more on DS2's back. As you say, it's sweet but it can be a real pain for DS2. And I worry how DS1 will cope as DS2 gets more of an independent social life (as he's just begining to).

No answers, just thought I'd say that this rings a bell with me and you're not alone.