When did your ASD child start hugging you?

[Eloise73]

Our daughter is 2.7 years old and is a bright fun little thing and although she does crave touch/affection its always on her terms and she never hugs. She may put her head on our lap or pat our heads or even sometimes (not often) kiss our lips but never hugs.

At the risk of this sound like a massive whinge (which is kinda is I guess) i'd love to know if any of your ASD kids started getting a bit more affectionate as they got older?

I don't usually even think about these things that much but once in a while you see a small child run up to their parent and hug them and it just knocks you for six, very painful IYKWIM

Like everything else with kids with ASD it may be a sensory thing. My DS has always liked hugs (even as a baby you could not put him down, he just wanted to be held ALL the time), but, while I'm sure there is an affection thing going on, it is also, I think, because he likes the sensation of being squeezed. He will squeeze between cars and walls and things like that, iyswim
So conversely maybe your daughter does not like the sensation - but you can see that she has other ways of showing affection. She sounds like a lovely little girl

I do know exactly what you mean, Eloise.
I agree with sc13 - your dd sounds lovely, and she is showing affection, which is great.

dd1 is now nearly 6, and regularly hugs us. Not always in the way that other NT children do - that joyous running up and launching into a hug.

and I never got one when coming out of pre-school etc. other children would come out and hug/chatter/show off what they ahd made. I got an off the cuff look, and more or less indifference, and it broke my heart every time, even though I knew dd1 meant nothing by it.

sc13 our dd loves being huggged and picked up and swung around, she just doesn't reciprocate! Well, it would be hard to swing us around even though she is quite tall lol!

silverfrog: I know what you mean about the off the cuff look when they first see you when you go collect them, I get a smile once a week maybe when my DH brings her to the station to come pick me up. Like you say, they don't mean anything by it.

I'm incredibly grateful to have such a wonderful daughter but i'm glad you guys understand where i'm coming from though.

Hi Eloise our son son(ASD) is 6 and doesnt like being hugged and never kisses us on the lips(he doesnt like kissing us at all).He recently said to me "mum i sometimes feel anxious when you or dad are near me" so i asked him why and he said "because you try to cuddle me and i dont like it so that makes my belly feel funny and anxious"....it was sad to hear but we agreed not to hug him unless he wants us to.

I understand where you are coming from too. Ds is now 8 and is definitely affectionate but not in a huggy way.

He likes to sit next to me and I usually get a lovely sensory seeking foot jabbing me or climbing up my arm etc - lol. He will come for a cuddle if he is upset, but only if I suggest or initiate it and it doesn't come naturally to him. It can be a bit like hugging a rather bony statue, but he still gets comfort from it.

He never ran out of nursery/school and hugged me either and it did bother me when he was younger, but then he was the only little boy that walked with his Mum and held her hand all the way to and from school and the other Mums were all jealous of that. I didn't get the running up and hugging with ds2 either for a long time when he was in nursery and I thought I must be a terrible Mum or something (didn't know ds1 was AS at that point.) Eventually we found out that ds2 had really bad eyesight and was unable to spot where I was standing. Now he wears glasses he more than makes up for it and nearly knocks me off my feet running up for a hug after school.

Ds1 absolutely adores his 18 month old sister, she is literally the light of his life - but he doesn't hug her either. He will hold her hand, sit next to her, roll around on the floor with her, sing to her, pat her head, stroke her hair and smother her with kisses, but I have never seem him hug her and he doesn't like her to sit on his knee either. She seems to have learned/accepted this and always gets up to sit next to him rather than climbing on his lap, whereas she is always more than happy to sit on ds2's lap and regularly runs up to give him big hugs.

He also does the affectionate patting, if I am upset he will come up and pat me on the shoulder or head. It makes me laugh sometimes as it just seems so - well - Victorian/British iyswim!

I think for me, it has become easier as he's got older. At the age he is now (just going into year 4) its not considered cool to show affection to your parents, so none of the other Mum's get hugs after school either and I don't feel so different.

Moosemama, we've got the sensory seeking foot too . Also, DS won't old hands but hold elbows, so sometimes we walk in this kind of elbow-holding thing. And it's taking some work to make him kiss without giving you tongue (I know it's gross and borderline Oedipus, he likes licking, unfortunately I cannot keep a straight face when he gets his tongue out, so he thinks it's hilarious).
I really should start curbing some of these behaviours, shouldn't I. He never does weird stuff with other kids though

Gotta love the sensory foot. Its not unusual for me to find a big toe in my ear while I'm sat on the sofa and ds is reading a book next to me!

Another one he has is, if you hold his hand the wrong way around (don't ask) he says it makes his nails itch and strangely I totally get this, as I had exactly the same problem when I was little.

Rather than curb behaviours he finds comforting, I've just told him that they are fine to do at home, but other people might not like them, so its best not to do them anywhere else.

Fortunately he doesn't do the foot thing when he has shoes on, so its not an issue at school. I could just imagine him sitting in his lessons jabbing the child sitting across from him with his big toe and rubbing his foot on the desk, lol.

DS1's not a hugger either. What he really likes to do is to lay his cheek on my stomach (gets under a t shirt to do it) but I don't think he's really being affectionate as such.

DS2 who's NT will hug and kiss all day long. But you know, I think it is DS1 who loves more intensely.

Last summer we got lost in a nature reserve, and I left the kids with my mum while I found the way back. When I came back (after about 15 mins) ds1 launched himself at me crying his heart out and saying 'I was so worried, I missed you so much', whereas ds2 wasn't bothered.

All the love is in there but it doesn't come out, or not most of the time, anyway.

My kids both hug lots, whether we like it or not. It's not always an enjoyable experience with DS1, though, since he sometimes hurts with big bear hugs and isn't very good at keeping his mouth to himself :/

DS2 loves hugs and spends alot of time being hugged, but only by me or his nana - he doesnt really like hugs from anyone else. He likes being squeezed too.

He wasnt always cuddly, he has only started in the last 18 months, before that he hated cuddles.

Dd1 hated anyone touching her until she was at least 3, she will now cuddle very close friends and family but does not like people just coming up and hugging her (she needs warning), oh and she's 6 years old.

Dd2 has always loved cuddles and would cuddle anyone (the opposite of her sister).

Its nice to hear that some kids do go on to enjoy hugging/cuddles etc.

Some of your posts really made ma laugh out loud! Our dd has a sensory foot too, and loves rubbing her cheeks/side of her face on our lap, arms and our faces.

She also loves to poke us in the eye but that's another thread I think... ;-)

My DD is now extremely affectionate and cuddly, don't think she was at 2.7! She is more affectionate and cuddly than the NT kids I know.