fed up with parents of nt kids moaning

[sumum]

have seen thread on other board where parents are asking if they should be annoyed because their 5year old got level 2b in end of year report and seems to not listen. I mean really that is the level they should get at end of year 2 so why the worry. if my ds got that at seven I would be happy.

Also there was another thread with irrate mother that was upset her dc wasn't in the same class as her friend. How i wish that was all I had to worry about when it comes to class moves. Three meetings with school later and I am still worried how the transition will go in sept.

I know other parents worries are still worries to them but it just makes me and and a little

Sorry an example

Yesterday my BIL ws bragging about his son making yr2 levels in yr 1

Pretty rude you may think, given we have 2 disabled kids

But 6 years ago nephew was in intensive care for 3 months and likely not to survive, and they were dealing with that, my sister's illness and the nbews that they must never risk another child all at once (damage done by severe pre-eclampsia, a family curse)

They've never reallt 'got' the boys becuase as far as they see it we've never had to deal with the real fear of losing one- the whole independence thing is beyond their imaginings.

It's just different takes.

I do agree with phlebas actually - it doesn't mean you love your nt child any less, just that you don't have to worry about the basics. Love Riven's measurement

I would be so unbelievably thrilled if ds ever manages to have a conversation, let alone achieves xyz in exams etc.

But I spose it's human nature for some/most people: selfish/self-centered even though not necessarily in a callous way. Like when one's got an awful cold or something - my first thought doesn't usually tend to be "well I mustn't feel sorry for myself as there are children dying of malaria in Africa". Though I am often tempted to use such a line on DH when he's got manflu

I do understand the sensible points that everyone has made - and I agree.

But I also agree that sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs to all my friends with NT kids 'you don't know you are born, you have no idea what hard is!!!!!!!!!!' I know it's very difficult being a parent anyway (well, I don't because I only have DS who is almost 3 with CP) but sometimes I think that must be easy compared to the life and worries we face. I agree with Riven, the thought that my DS might one day be able to talk, let alone walk, would be a miracle. I used to think I'd worry about what my children would do with their lives, would they be a success etc, now I try not to spend time letting myself worry about what the future will hold for me and my family. You can never say this out loud to friends which is why it's so important to be able to share those feelings on here.

You never know what worries other people have though. Dd had it brought home to her last year that being in a wheelchair and in chronic pain was nowhere near as bad as it was for her best friend to watch her mother die . Other people may seem to be NT but have weaknesses of character or nerves that leave their parents in a constant state of anxiety, long after they are grown up, without anyone ever knowing. I don't know that my dcs suffer more from chronic pain than some other children do from being bullied at school or sexually abused at home. You can't really know, can you?

well parents of nt kids are allowed to worry too,
I am worried about my son at the moment.
if we had had the internet when he was little I would have been posting masses of worries about him.
oh and he is NT

'I worry just as much about my NT child as I do my non-NT child. Other people love their children just as much as you love yours, and with love comes anxiety.'

Me too, and she was my PFB as well.

I agree and know where you're coming from Sumum. I feel envious a lot and long for the kinds of worries I hear other Mums talking about.. But I do realise that of course it's all relative and whatever is important to them is valid as a concern.. But it's hard at times.

A friend starting telling me about how stressed she's been since she was told her child was gifted and talented.. I had to tell her ( in the nicest way possible ) that I was the wrong person to be talking to about her worries - I couldn't help it..

Also I worry about dd(sn) so much more than ds(nt). I know that ds can express his needs and is self sufficent and independent and quite bright and will do fine.. I worry that he gets a raw deal in relation to time with me but he can articulate his feelings about that so far..

Every thought and feeling about dd has anxiety as a backdrop.. about so many things here you all know about.. Every action is about keeping her safe and stimulated and content i.e not kicking off.. It's making me ill this last week..

I'm afraid in that context I think I have a right to feel envious of other people's troubles that I feel I could cope with ok.. this stuff is defeating me at the moment..

Think it's all bench marks compared to a normal 5 year old ds is way differnt but then compared to some dc on here ge is a lot more able

but I have a nt ds2 13 who I posted about advice before as he had option take exams early yes it might come across as boasting and truth, was and am so proud if him , but what no one knew was that ds2 has crohns and fir him to get to school let alone do well was acheviment in Its self

But yes think in the early days is a lot harder when things are raw ,but don't beat yourself up for thinking it we all have done and do it.

I worry that ds1,ds2 and dd don't get enough of my time especially with ds1and ds2 being teens yes there nt but balancing job to make sure they don't go of the rails

2 shoes if you ever want to talk about ds1 go ahead am on TtR know ds1 almost 17 and ds2 are bit younger than your ds but do understand the teenage issues

roundthebend4 thanks, tbh It is all normal teen stuff, I don't post for advice as I know the answers, but doesn't stop the worry iynwim.
Riven I know what you mean, in a wierd way although we worry like mad about our madams girls, at least teen stuff is/will be easy

"A friend starting telling me about how stressed she's been since she was told her child was gifted and talented.. I had to tell her ( in the nicest way possible ) that I was the wrong person to be talking to about her worries - I couldn't help it.."

well done you for telling her that you were the wrong audience. Honestly what possesses people?

Imo there is a huge difference between the assumption that only SN troubles are real troubles and the feeling that some people really are making up pseudo-troubles.

I would have given short shrift to the woman who was fussing merely because she had been told her child was g&t - but listened sympathetically to some other woman whose child was suicidal because of problems arising in relation to being g&t (e.g. bullying).

If your child was on suicide watch or taking up with an abusive boyfriend or on dangerous drugs, then I imagine it would be small consolation to know that they were neurotypical. Have lost friends to all those causes, and am sure their parents must have been as shattered as any parent fearing the loss of a child from SN. It's not just that their worries are real to them- they seem pretty real to me as well!

But it is hard not to feel that some problems are more in the mind of the parent. Sometimes I do have to bite my tongue.

Yes, but I think we can spot those iyswim - I think it's usually about other recognising when we're the wrong audience.

Having NT kids doesn't make you immune to difficulty but it can make you the wrong audience for some problems- for example when I was desperate for my son to speak when he was 3 or 4 I really wasn't the right audience for 'oh it's so hard and stressful because my child won't stop talking'. Now tbh I;m so far down the line that ds1's lack of speech doesn't bother me in the same way - but I might still be the wrong audience if it was presented as a problem rather than just a complaint iyswim.

Goosey,honestly don't worry .somehow ds2 crohns got overlooked as well mix of Drs and me not chasing them up .holds on to the bad mum award

I think its about frequency. I have an NT DS who I worry about from time to time (like at the moment as he seems to have very low self esteem) but I worry about DS2 all the time.

I find as the Mum of a SN child some people expect me to be more receptive to thier problems, or I give them some kind of benchmark, like ' Well at least little Johnny isnt as bad as Violet's DS'

I once took DS2 to a toddler group where he had a massive meltdown over a noise that he didnt like, he bit himself and me, and kicked one of the playleaders. One of the other mums compared it to her DD 'who knew her own mind because she likes to choose her own clothes in the morning' - yes, thats the same

I don't think it's ever fair to get in to competitive worries - a worry is a worry is a worry - doesn't matter if your child is SN or NT (I have 2 of each - and yes, I worry more about the most obviously vulnerable DC but that doesn't stop me fretting about the others. I want them all to be happy.).

As a comparison - there was a thread recently where the OP was having a winge about her mother - fairly minor stuff. And eventually I cracked and posted "Well, at least she's alive - count your blessings and stop wingeing". But that was really unfair of me - the OP was perfectly entitled to have a moan about something that was quite legitimately bothering her. You can't play Top Trumps with this sort of thing, and you can't expect everyone else to spend all their time counting their blessings.

But you can expect a good friend to think about what they are saying to you. Different on here - people can say what they like - but it doesn't take much to be considerate. I have a friend who lost a child. I never complain about ds2 to her, or say how great he is, or the things that go with his age and I never complain about having three boys (or say how good it is come to that) - it would be incredibly insensitive of me.

I do get it about the walk / talk bit

I really do

But there are other big wories too- ATM DH is upstiars on 1-1 duty with ds1 who just went for ds2's neck with a coil of wire (garrotting style). It's a very different fear / wish though. And when DH was so severely depresse3d he tried to kill himself.

On a chart he was lucky that he could be a walky talky independent, but it cared me to death.

I think if I ahd to go around being careful not to express fears about those things then I coudln't really come on here, iykwim- theree will always be someone worse off than you.

My cousin whose 6 year old died on the heart transplant list. She probably thinks we're all lucky buggers.

There have been times when i've felt I shouldn;t be on here, espeically when it was just ds1 DX's becuase I knew other have it far worse. If you sdtart to think like that though you end up refusing services, going without- did all that and it almost cost me my marriage and sanity. It took 2shoes, whose dd is mroe severe than my boys, to talk me out of it.

It is normal to feel a bit of resentment- goodness I know that, was in the Juniors the otehr day when ds3's former classmate's mums were in there worrying about what jumper to choose etc and all I could think was lucky cows, my boy won't get to make this transiiton- why the eff are you asking me?

But this is our lot for life; I don't want to spend my life upset- feeling trapped between the most severely disabled who need things more and NT kids. I just try and ick who I whine at (and I know I do LOL) and cope as best I can.

thank you to everyone who has posted, yes it's all relative and my lot of kids are generally happy and fun to be with.

I think sometimes you can get stuck in the moment and it does you good to reflect.

In all my 'woe is me my ds didn't acheive nc levels' I have forgot all the other good things he has achieved this year, he got an A for effort.

Havig a child of my own with sn is new to me, although I have always looked after foster kids with special needs (one in particular was just the same as riven's dd sounds) so for me it's still a learning curve.

And I did say before i didn't worry about my nt older kids but that is not true, just a few years ago my oldest dd was self-harming very badly and took two major over doses and I thought she was going to die. fast forward 3 years and she is fine, how easily we forget .

I think this forum is great for getting a perspective on things.

Thank you everyone.

I can understand, my DD can't talk and I found it hard reading a thread today about someone being fed up with her child talking too much. However someone whose child can't walk at all might get fed up with me posting that my DD can't walk very WELL.

It's all relative, but I totally get where you are coming from.

oh yes, those threads make me hmm
lol
but I can remember worrying like crazy about ds not talking, now I hmm at myself

I actually have worst of both worlds as DD can't talk but babbles/chatters constantly..

The ones that always make me hmm are the ones that say 'Im worried about my child who only eats 3 meals a day and enough food to feed an army' (okay im exaggerating but you know what I mean) - while DS survives on babybels and grapes.