Mmm bit annoyed about this

[debs40]

It's the all new show at school with everyone being very helpful.

Get a note in DS's book today however, saying he'd upset another child with his possessiveness about another (one of his close pals).

Teacher had sprung into social story mode with the class and role play about not excluding others. The note then says 'we intend to follow this up with more work'.

I asked DS what had happened at play time today (bearing in mind he'd come home for lunch so only had 2 x 15 min breaks)and he was nonplussed. I then asked him if there'd been any arguments about not playing with someone or wanting to play with someone in particular. Again, no.

He knew they'd done some work on not excluding people but I have to say if it was aimed at him, it certainly went over his head - he clearly did not put it togetehr with any incident at playtime.

Anyway, I've never known DS to lie (really I haven't - he's a brutally honest little Aspie)and his social skill problems have never included excluding someone before, so I'm a bit peturbed.

He was however on stage at school today for being in the final of the school talen show with two pals - one of whom was the boy he was supposed to be being possessive over.

I'm wondering if someone is jealous. There is another little lad in the class (strangely also Aspie) who has said things like this before. My betting - it;s the same kid feeling left out.

Mmm, now I may be jumping the gun and I don't know that they haven't SEEN an incident themselves but I don't want them pinning every bit of upset on him wihtout asking him what has happened.

Note has gone back in book - or do you think I'm overreacting.

I'm glad my ramblings have been vaguely useful.

I can't think of a particularly useful book/similar but the best thing I've come across is the short film, A is for Autism www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-DVD-Matthew-Beguley/dp/B0001P1BKC/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top. We were shown it at school by someone from the ASD outreach team and I was impressed by the way it offered very straightforward and logical explanations of some people's experience of having autism...

The book 'I am utterly unique' is one I've not read personally (yet) but I've seen it recommended in various places. Another one is this: www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Tell-About-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1843102064/ref=pd_sim_b_2.

The other mother sounds like a worry herself - it probably makes it easier for her to believe that her DS is in social skills groups to support your DS as it then protects her from what may be the reality; that her own DS has additional needs. She sounds like she's a lot of hard work and she should 'know better' as a teacher but some of what you describe sounds like a mum who's trying to do what she believes is best for her child (with little or no regard for anyone else in the process) whilst desperately trying to push to the back of her mind her own worries e.g. the comment about her experience of children with autism needing to be restrained and your DS 'not being like that'... I wonder who she's trying to convince and if her comment was an expression of something other than utter ignorance. I may have got that completely wrong but it does happen!

You may be on to something there. I also think maybe that if it was someone else her son was saying this about, she might have been more judicious but that perhaps, she has had a bad experience with a child with ASD and is worried this fits into that pattern.

I kind of think this is something and nothing. I don't want her to be ignorant or scared of DS (I tried to stress his similarities to her son but maybe that got her anxious!) but equally I don't want the fact that he can get things wrong socially to be taken as proof that he is always to blame.

I was going to put a note in the home/school book to say - spoken to other mum. She explained DS was stopping X play with his friends and calling X's friends horrible names. I asked what DS was supposed to have said and to whom but Mrs X said she didn?t know. I have suggested that she ask X to tell a member of staff if something happens so it can be resolved in school in 'real time' allowing DS to comment.

Then confirm we also discussed DS sitting by X at carpet time etc as this seems to be causing X problems. Suggest teachers move if a problem. And DS's lolling and leaning. Will talk to DS about personal space and she will ask X to say it's getting on his nerves etc.

Does that sound ok??

I think a comment in the home/school book sounds fine but would probably go with:

'saw X's mum at a party both boys were at and whilst chatting she said that X's reporting of his worries is vague so it's possible that DS wasn't involved in last week's incident at all! Both of us have said we'll remind our sons to tell a school adult if they feel worried/upset by something because that means Mrs Y will be able to talk to the children who are involved and will help them sort it out straightaway. Please separate DS and X at carpet time if you think that will help their relationship. I've reminded DS about leaning/lolling and X's Mum is going to remind X that he needs to say, "DS please stop touching me" if DS's leaning is bothering him. I hope that's helpful - both boys had a happy time at the party and, when their paths crossed, were fine with each other.'

By saying that you've told the boys that Mrs Y will talk to those involved/help them straightaway you've cornered her but also flattered her by alluding to her competence to handle a situation in a sensible way (which you've spelt out for her). Even if she does it reluctantly with a, "your mums have said I'll help you find out what the problem is so...what's the problem X/DS?" it's better than letting X's mum bend her ear again! I think making the note sound chatty rather than interrogative in style will help and I'd definitely mention the party so it doesn't sound as though you've stalked the mum and turned up on her doorstep to talk things through!

SE13 THANK YOU so much for taking the trouble to listen and advise today. It has helped. You can feel so cornered with this stuff sometimes as other friends don't really understand. It's difficult to get the tone right.

Cutting and pasting your note as we speak!!

You're welcome

Put a note in the book and went to speak to teacher this morning. She was foul with me. Obviously, my challenging her assumption with the email sent on Friday has got her back right up.

I told her I had spoken to X's mum and she said 'oh dear, oh dear, why did you do that' and looked disdainful.

I had already told her on Friday morning that I intended to do that and she thought it would be a good idea - although I said I would not mention that she had told me anything, which I didn't.

She stood there with an impassive look as I explained out discussion and then turned her back on me!

I was left trying to deal with DS and saying to her back that perhaps it might be a good idea to investigate these things before jumping to conclusions.

Not quite the way i'd planned it to go but I did try. Just as I've tried all year with those teachers.

The weird thing was that she probably thought she was helping this time - it might have been the first time this year that she has actually tried to.

Oh well, only a few days left!

I bet you're glad your DS will be having someone different next year. Maybe you could put in a referral for this teacher and the other mum to attend social skills groups - they will either benefit personally or have their eyes opened to some genuinely helpful strategies!

That is a good idea - perhaps I'll email the head?

Poor DS, if they had spent any time this year getting to know him (and it really isn't that hard, he's not an alien) their first response would have echoed mine - that doesn't sound like him at all.

I did point out that some of the allegations from this boy/mum related to stuff that was happening in the class e.g. DS was supposed to be dragging him to make him sit by him at carpet time. So, I thought the teacher must have seen something along these lines if this were true. I asked her had she?

Blank stare back. She didn't say a word to me.

You know how you get madder when people stonewall you.....that was me! Yet I could tell she was just feeling deeply sorry for herself.

Grr, glad we had to go off half day for DS's appointment - got to see Toy Story too which was fab.