Ds2 what to do for the best.. Very distressed ds

[TheArsenicCupCake]

Ds2 (asd/as).. We were trying to get ds through to the summer holidays.. Had already arranged that on non structured noisy days where he wouldn't cope he would stay at home. School and I were very much hoping that he could see the end of this school out with something positive.
There is a special award bit with just him in mind.. But he doesn't want to go.. He doesn't want to do sports or leavers day..
He isn't being let out to play due to concerns raised at school.. About his safety.
He went in today and has been tormented, hit and pushed into the coat pegs. He is in abosolute bits and is on shut down.

I have a gp appointment booked for him, as his mental state is going downhill fast, this isn't until next week as our family gp isn't there until then.

Now seeing as he is leaving the school anyway, Is this a battle I choose not to have and just pull him out ( with a sick note from gp now) and give it up as a bad job.. And try and salvage his emotional state?

Barring the gp, do I call the lea to let them know what has been going on.. I don't want any attendance issues for him.

Poor ds2! What a wretched thing to happen to him. It makes me want to go and slap those other children.

If it were me I think I would be thinking about protecting ds2's mental health as much as possible now. It's only just over a week till the end of term, and I would be tempted to pull him a big sickie, and get a sick note from the GP.

But the school do need to know what's happened so maybe write a letter to arrive at the end of term, for the record?

Also it could be that if ds2 knows from you that he doesn't have to go in he might, just might choose to go in, say, for the last day or a leavers' assembly (if they have one) or whatever.

for you -- you must be in bits too.

Still waiting for a call back from school .. Because he obviously isn't safe in the playground.. There own admission as to why they won't let him out to play.

And now he is obviously not safe in the classroom.

He wants to delete himself.. I'm in bits.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. Its a horrible, horrible situation to be in. We have been there in the past and are dragging ourselves towards the end of term too at the moment.

We were in a similar situation earlier in the year (coming up to the end of the spring term). I took the decision to take ds out of school for the week running up to the holiday, citing anxiety and anxiety related symptoms as the reason. The symptoms were headaches/migraines, upset stomach and acid reflux. I pointed out that obviously these symptoms would impair his ability to cope at school and although the real problems were psychological, the fact remained that they were manifesting as physical symptoms which were at least as debilitating, if not more debilitating than a virus or similar and he would be allowed to stay away for that.

The school were ok with this. Like you I simply couldn't cope with carrying on sending him there in the state he was in. He spent a week cocooned in his duvet on the sofa watching his favourite tv programmes and reading and was a different child by the end of the first week, with the following two weeks for me to prepare him for going back.

If he is leaving the school anyway, with just over a week left to go I would just take him out of school.

If i was in your shoes i would pull him out now, his mental state is the most important thing (as well as his safety), if he's that unhappy then i would keep him at home. Poor ds .

I would be pulling him out now. Protecting his mental state is more important than anything.

Thanks for the replies..
I've calmed down a bit and so has ds2. We are going in together tomorrow morning and sorting things out so he doesn't have to go back in.

Have been thinking about you and your poor ds all night.

I,m probably too late, but good luck at the school this morning, I really hope you get it sorted so he can stay at home.

Thank you

He's home with me at the moment he has his head stuck in a computer ( well not actually stuck lol)
but that is his happy place.

School were actually lovely this morning.

Ds2 is speaking to me which is fab.. Although he was completely shut off when he came into the school with me.. ( I really wish he was safe to leave on his own for a few minutes so he didn't have to come in.. But even at nearly 12, I can't leave him).

He has said he is so tired of having to think twice about how he interacts and still gets it wrong.. Think twice and try and work out if people are being nice or not.. Keep checking and trying to work out his own emotions.. He's just had enough.. So a shove in the cloakroom or name calling or just not fitting in, in the playground on top is just too much to cope with.

He said he just sometimes wants to climb inside me and be safe and happy.

but at least he is speaking and has eaten today.

(

I think you are doing the right thing.

Sports day/end of term wind down/leaving parties, are just the way things are done schools, because that is the way they have always been done.

I can't think of a single situation I have been in since leaving school that has been anything like Sports Day. It's fun if you enjoy it, but in the big scheme of things not very important.

I was actually saying just that this morning.
School is a completely unique environment.. Nothing in the adult world reflects school ( unless I guess your a teacher).
There is nothing I have done that compares to it at all!
( although I do see the need for an education..and I can't provide that through HE for ds).
It's lord of the flies in a brick building out there.. Poor piggy!

I am so glad he is home and in a safe/happy place. I'm pleased that the school didn't give you a hard time too.

He has the same happy place as my ds. Well either a computer or a book. Can't keep up with his reading, he averages a paperback a day!

Hopefully he will start to gradually unwind now and feel better and better each day. Is he going to a new school in September or are you going to HE?

My ds has all the same problems in the playroom/cloakrooms and even in the classroom as well and ends up literally tied up in knots because of it all. My heart breaks for him so often, he tries so hard just to be/do what comes naturally to all the other children and honestly can't understand why he is always the victim.

Fortunately, the school are now being really proactive in trying to help him deal/cope with it and also taking a very direct approach to dealing with his regular tormentors. Mind you, he is just going into year 4 and it has taken this long to get them to understand and take it seriously. We still have problems every day to varying degrees, but they are working to sort it out. That said, he has had a hopeless teacher this year which has exacerbated the situation and we're hoping things will be greatly improved next term, as he will be having one of the best and most experienced teachers in the school who has experience of having children with ASD in her class.

Ds also had a real problem with sports day, they only had 2 races each to run and the rest of the 2 hours was spent sitting in the crowd cheering on their house-group. He really hated it, as he can't cope with all the shouting and just to make it worse his races were the very first one and the very last one. Fortunately, because I was there he got through it relatively unscathed.

Great fun for me hanging around on a school field for two hours with my leg in a cast and an 18 month old in a pushchair.

I don't really get the need for all these end of year festivities, it always seems to me that the 'bullies' have more time to get up to no good during this period. For us it would be better if they just broke up a couple of weeks earlier - but I suppose that would be a problem for a lot of working parents. Maybe the last two weeks should be optional?

That's exactly what dh and I say about the school experience for ds 'Lord of the Flies with Literacy and Numeracy' we even said this to the Head when we had a meeting with him last week and he couldn't really deny it!

Don't know what is going on at our school at the moment, but there has definitely been a major increase in antisocial/bullying behaviour - some of it pretty serious. Its not just my ds either, I have heard horrible tales from lots quite a few other parents recently.

The Head says they are implementing a whole programme in September to try and change the bullying/fighting culture that seems to have developed in the playground over the past few months. Apparently, they will also be rewriting the behaviour and anti-bullying policies in consultation with the pupils, parents, governors and relevant outside bodies. He is hoping to instigate some better strategies for dealing with bullying such as y6 mentors and befriending schemes etc and also come up with a better plan for dealing with bullies ie consequences for their behaviour. I'm pleased they are taking it all seriously, but very concerned as to what has happened to turn a previously lovely village school into such a nasty environment. I'm also a bit that we had to bring all this to their attention for anything to be done - how could they not already know what was going on in their own school fgs?

DS will be going into secondary school.. he loved the taster days and has had a lot of visits up there to get him ready.

The secondary school along with the ed psych have put in so many things for him i'm hoping all will go well.. we chose the school as they are dyslexia friendly and have experience of asd pupils ( ds has both).. and the SEN team seem to be on the pulse with things.

Ep is going into assess how he is getting on, on a regulalr basis during the first term, and make any changes that he needs.

so our hopes are tentativly high (ish).. we'll see.

Honestly.. i actually think that staff at schools are too busy just getting through what they have to do to function, to see what is going on.

the last few weeks of term is basically a nightmare.. no structure.. lots of noise.. pupils getting in the mind set for holidays and moving onto new teachers or schools.. sports days, awards days..
all of this is great for your NT child who doesn't spend everyday coping as it is.

It all sounds great. Hope he'll be really happy there.

me too moosemama.. fingers crossed huh?

Will keep everything crossed for him.

Def done the right thing. Have 'pulled' my ds(he's 5) out of school too. It's all got too much for him now and he's done with it. I'd rather he left on a positive note and looks forward to September than the other way round.

Hope secondary goes well for your ds.

I agree so much with everyone else, my son hates sports day [and with a physical disability I'm not surprised, but the school were aparantly!], the last days of term have been awful, he's some thing else to have to cope with and they have no time for someone who takes up extra time, when they are busy preping for 6 weeks holiday.
My son has been poorly these past few days so has escaped, and the thought has crossed my mind more than once as to if I send him back.
I hope you have a better expierence at the next school,and enjoy the summer together.

Thanks guys