man child. i could use some advice

[ThatVikRinA22]

my son who is 18 has aspergers among other special needs, however, he is very capable and has just proved this by going away for 4 days, he sorted all his own packing and made his own travel arrangements. he is doing A levels at college but also has a part time job computer programming. he is very good at making money, but equally good at spending it on rubbish.

most of the time he is very pleasant to be around. except if i ask him to do anything. he doesnt go to bed at night so likes to lay in bed until afternoon. he is stroppy and moody if i dont leave him to do this.(though please dont think he gets to do this all the time) he acts like a little boy alot of the time, still needing me to get him up on a morning, tapping me for money, expecting me to do most things for him.

now he is off college and i am at work, as is his father, i expect some help in the home - nothing too taxing - just filling a dishwasher and wiping a kitchen top. but he point blank refuses. he smashed a plate in tempter when i asked last.
he has just slammed the door and stormed out because i asked him to wipe the kitchen tops so i could put some shopping away and do dinner.

i have tried to sit him down and explain that while he might feel like being looked after like a little boy forever, that there are 3 adults in the house (him being one of them) and tried to explain how unfair it is to expect 2 of them to do all the work while he lays on his bed on his laptop. all falls on deaf ears.

tonight i have explained that if he wiped the kitchen tops and loaded the dishwasher i could do diiner for him. he hasnt done it and slammed out - so im now thinking it wouldnt be unreasonable of me to not cook his dinner and see how long he takes to notice. he pays nothing to his upkeep, and while i envisaged him being at home for longer than most children i resent this terrible attitude the moment he is asked to do something which i know he is capable of doing, but doesnt want to do.

how can i get this through to him? he thinks he can leave home if i am 'mean' to him - sometimes i feel like packing his bag and saying "good luck then".
ideas/thoughts/opinions most welcome please.

Sounds like most NT teens

Do you think he would be more likely to agree to help if you designate him certain duties in advance (could decide them together and write a list for the week to tick off?) rather than asking ad hoc?

Sorry if that's no help - my ASD DS is only 5 so i've not got that far yet!

oh, vicar, sympathy.

I have no experience of this as a parent, but I do have a LOT of experience of it as a sibling.

my brother was as you describe, from early teens right up to (and beyond) young adult.

I would (I think, and please bear in mind my ASD child is still only 5! - i had no hesitation doing htis as a sibling (younger sibling) though) do exactly as you said.

you have laid out the terms, and have no reason to think he has not understood them.

he has chosen to not uphold his half of the contract (and if he had good reason for not doing so - sensory issues, or phobias - he could have told you so). and so he shoudl bear the consequences.

is he likely to notice that you are downing tools? or is he more likely to silently not eat for a couple of days?

I think, given his recent proving of his capabilities, you should put more responsibilities onto him. only little things, like the dishwasher, or his own washing, etc. yes, he may be with you longer than the average child, but one day he will mve out.

he needs to learn these skills (I know you know this).

FWIW, my mum did eventually pack my brother's bag - he always came home again, once his money had run out/he hadn't paid the rent/lost his job through not gettig up on time/etc. but a condition of him coming home each time was to accept another (small, everyday) chore - only in line with what my other brother and I were managing (not much, tbh, in the manner of most teenagers )

it can be so hard ot separate out what is AS and what is teen. but having 2 teenage stepchildren who, whilst mostly delightful, try to wrngle out of doing anything at all when here - this is most definitely a teen thing! my stepchildren are both at uni (my dsd has AS too), but for some reason, as soon as they step over my doorstep, they seem to forget how to operate any kitchen appliance, how to rinse out the bath, ho to take the rubbish out, etc

i agree with a lot of what siverfrog says,
a lot of what you describe, well that is a bit like ds(18 and nt)
tbh he got better once he moved out for a few months.
I do now put my foot down a lot more, so he has to help, and although i realise your situation is different, I think you do need to make a stand, you will know how far to push it.
good luck,

My asd son (9) won't do anything ad-hoc. So I guess you would be better off trying to make a routine or asking him to do something later in the day rather then asking him to do something straight away.

How do you manage homework? Surely you must have had enough fights about that over the years.

Good luck and keep us posted...

thankyou - i do think it is a teen thing, but he also still has paddy attacks much like a 3 year old would. his door is broken through slamming it too much and barricading himself in his room (seriously!) when he doesnt want to hear me.

sunday was very stressful as he did this to an extreme.

im not sure what he will do. he may well forget to eat until late tonight then raid the cupboards when he thinks everyone is in bed. all he wants is to be left alone to lay in bed and play with computers. and its just not going to happen im afaid. his room is beyond messy but i just dont go in, i got to thinking his room, his mess. but when i am out all day, and his dad works nights, the very least he can do is load up a dishwasher to allow me to do him some food! but he wont do anything, or if he does, he makes a deliberate half hearted hash of it. it is deliberate because he just does the whole kevin the teenager thing, knuckles almost dragging on the floor, shoulders swinging while groaning "mmuummm" (i think he thinks i wont ask if i have to do it again after him)
it is very frustrating. you expect it when they are 15, but of course at 18 with AS he is mentally much younger.
i just want to make a stand because he really does have it very very easy, but he is so selfish i find i resent him some of the time.

he has just come down, grunted "have you eaten without me" to which i explained its his choice so now he has gone out to buy a takeaway.

i wonder how long his money will last. trouble is he would go overdrawn to spite me.

i have tried leaving lists before. he ignores them. its not a sensory issue - it is simple teenage laziness. im just not sure how to tackle it with an 18 year old body and a 14 year old brain....

other than downing tools, what can you do to make his life uncomfortable?

I assume he has control of what he earns, so docking pocket money/allowance won't work.

does he respond bettert o incentives to earn, or threats to reduce privileges? my brother used to just take the piss with incentives to earn, and yes, threats to reduce comforts did bring out his temper, but it was somethign that had to be got through.

I would restrict what is available to him to raid later on as well - it really is like dealing with that tantrumming toddler again. if he can refuse to help, you not cook, but hten snack on all his favourite stuff all evening, then there's no way he is going to change.

you need the equivalent of a toddler roof house access wise, and a sticker chart/pasta jar to get him shifting, but only you know what his "currency" is

my brother vastly preferred to be nocturnal too, and would just sit around all night watching TV/playing computer games, and then be too tired the next day.

at some point you may need to let him do this to extreme (obviously without aiding by cooking/cleaning) and let him fail and get to rock bottom - woudl that have an effect? woudl he be likely to lose his job (and then maybe find another?)

what would make him listen, do you thimk?

i really dont know silverfrog.

its so difficult. Sunday was ridiculous in this house - he paddied and hit me, so DH took his precious computers off him, but it was all so horrible and stressful. DH is way bigger than him but he had to wressle them off him. it was just horrible. but then he played the "i need that laptop for work today" and sobbed. he pleaded and we talked and i thought we had gotten somewhere so he got the precious laptop back.

and today we are right back at square one.

how can i lock the food cupboards? he will wait until about 3am then go down to eat. i dont know how i can stop him other than leave my door open so i hear him if he tries.

he seems to respond to neither privalages or threats to reduce comforts. he will happily lay in his own filth. he will go out to buy junk food. he will not mind being in dirty clothes. he has a dongle so i cannot turn off the internet. the only thing i could do is turn off all the upstairs electric! but even then his laptops have battery power.

i can honestly see this getting to where he leaves. he would think it a great adventure and love the freedom. but it would almost certainly see him drop out of college which i really dont want.
its so hard. but i just feel he uses us without any feeling or thought for us.

yes, i can see that it must be very hard.

it was bad enough for us as teens, but we didn't have the enormity of overall responsibility as well. mum nearly went insane over it all (not joking). my brother was very difficult though.

not above stealing (did throughout most of our childhood - raided money boxes, took our stuff if he wanted it etc). and of course, this was back in the 70s, so not much help or support - he was just seen as a bad 'un to everyone else.

i know you don't want him to drop out of college, but if you did let it come to that, how woud your ds react? would he accept he was wrong (eventually)? woudl he be able to accept re-taking? or would he be more likely to shun it all as it had failed him?

if you sit down with him, and lay out what will happen if he doesn't help out - the removal of computers, which means no job, etc - is he likely to listen?

are you able to get him in a good mood and talk through properly, or is he likely to always be set off on a Kevin stubborn mule act if you mention it?

sorry, lots of questions, and not many answers. it must be so hard.

we have similar with my step daughter, but not as extreme. we do still run around after her, organising courses, or helping sort out forms/go through situations. but she will toe the line (albeit muttering all the way) if pushed wrt washing and dishwashers. she still reacts with horror at any suggestion she could cook supper one evening (despite clearly doing so for herself when at uni). maybe one day . we get veiled threats that she won't visit if we make life uncomfortable enough, which is really unfair, as we don't expect ehr to do half the stuff ehr mother does, and so of course dh caves because he does want to see her (naturally)

thanks silverfrog - its good just to speak with someone who knows what its like.

DS did go through a patch where he stole - but i dont think he stole for stealings sake - he wrote a computer programme that topped up his phone when it got to 50p - he drained my bank account within a couple of months and hid my bank statements when he realised what he had done.

i think ill go for option A. we will sit him down when he is in a good mood and tell him the computers will be removed if he doesnt do A B and C.

if he wants to strop out and leave then i think i will let him.
its difficult because it doesnt have to be like this - but he makes it such hard work.

i am also tempted to remove his bedroom door if he slams it or barricades himself in his room.

i have often thought that if he continues to act like a child i should treat him like a child but i think it would result in stalemate.

How's it all going, vicar?

I saw on another thread you've had problems with your dd's birthday party and friends being itchy - that can't have been nice for your dd.

I hope the last couple of days have gone a little smoother for you all. Have you managed to talk to your ds (with him listening!)?

If your son earns some money could he pay you a mall amount as rent? Even if you get £10 off him a week you could use that money to employ a cleaner for an hour to clean his room! Probably not a helpful suggestion with hindsight. For what its worth your DS sounds like a NT teenager and my son was exactly the same. There would be plates with mould growing on them in his room. Now he has his own house I go round sometimes and find plates with mould growing on them in his cupboards (out of sight!) He was a nightmare. Dropped out of college etc etc.

Maybe just be thankful he is continuing with his studies and is sensible enough to work at a job.

hi,

its going not too bad i guess. he is at least doing what i ask in return for his cooking, washing and ironing doing.it may take all day, but he is at least doing it. maybe he thought about it. he will no doubt return to the "why should i" school of thought before much longer but so far so good and i feel like im having a break from nagging! not sure how long it'l last!