Am I over reacting? (sorry long ranty post)

[hanaka88]

My son has possible ASD, he is such a loving boy but just has some issues, mainly with his behaviour and he is starting to regress really fast.

I recently got a TEXT message (note not a phone call) from my auntie who is getting married in septaber and wants me to be a bridesmaid telling me se doesnt want my son at the service or in during the speeches in case he makes a noise (note also I am a single mum...if I am a bridesmaid what can I do? My mum was minding DS while I was walking down the aisle but my auntie changed her mind and decided she wanted almost everyne as bridesmaids lol)

now my issue is this, there are a lot of other young children going, none who have been told the same as me (eveb though children will be children and they smetimes make noises) I have asked my auntie about this and she says yes but they can sit in the back...so why cant my DS?

Issue 2...DS already feels different and left out..and he is 4 e isn't stupid, he will know he is the only oe not allowed to go, even before he has even had a chance to beave, which will distress him

Issue 3...my untie does not know DS at all, she never calls to find out how he is, does not know what we are going through at all because...well she is extremely selfish.

I told her that I could not go due to DS being left out and it not being fair and would make his behaviour worse throughout the rest of the day...i.e. there would be no point lol...I then recieved a bombardment of abuse from her and now she is not talking to me at all.....yes she is 32.

now I dont feel I want to be around her at all, its starting to cause a rift in the family, my mum obviously fighting my corner and my grndmother doesnt seem to be soeaking to me at all

I understand she wants a perfect wedding...marrying a millionaire and wanting it all to be perfect...although its hardly her first wedding...but I feel she hasnt even tried to talk to me about it...text messages are hardly a good way of addressing a sensitive issue...Now I dont know how to move forward or what to do at all!

Her behaviour has been appalling, and selfish. How hard for you when you are already going through a hard time.↲
i wouldn't talk to her for a while, maybe you could write a letter to your grandmother though?

Thanks! I could but you see my grandmother always takes my auntie's sides in things like this, she's the youngest lol, and she is also almost always wrong lol

her philosophy is 'You have to be selfish in this life'

ours isn't.

I think you need to tell your mum to stop fighting your corner.

If you feel that you can't be at the wedding then write a letter to your auntie explaining why in terms that don't lay any blame but are clear and calm about your reasons. Try to enlist her help in stopping a family feud developing. Explain to her that this is not a deliberate insult to her but you have to consider your son's feelings in all of this.

Accept that this is your auntie's day and for whatever reason she has decided that it could spoil her day to have your son there. I'm not saying that this is right, it's just a fact. You aren't going to change her mind so you need to move on.

Then you need to work out how you feel about this in terms of contact with her and her family. If you feel that you don't want to see them because they have rejected your son that's fair enough. Just try not to get other family members involved because that will just end up hurting more people.

Text messages aren't the way to deal with this but a letter would give you a chance to express your feelings and reasons much more calmly than a face to face conversation. You could ask her to do the same if she would like to respond. She probably texted you originally because it was an easier way to say a very hard thing. Again this isn't right but you can't change it now.

I hope you manage to sort this out without involving too many people. Family rifts are easy to create but can take a very long time to heal. You be the adult here.

Sorry to be so blunt but I think your Auntie is a spoilt and horrible woman.

I thought weddings were supposed to be a day to celebrate marrying the person you love and sharing it with friends and family. Not a day to show everyone how "perfect" you are.

This is just me, but if my children weren't welcome I would refuse to go. Well done for making a stand. You are not in the wrong, she is, for being so superficial. She is having a go at you because deep down she is probably ashamed of herself.

If she doesn't apologise and let your son come to the wedding then it's her loss.

In all aspects of society, we are fighting for our ASD children to be accepted and welcomed and not put 'out of sight'.

Rant over! x

hi Al1son, The thing is that is what I did...I wrote her a long Email in which I appologised (evebn though I really dont think I was in the wrong, just to end the fighting, I also told my mum not to fight with her..so when my auntie has been involving my mum all she has said is 'well im not surprised and changed the subject...this is the email I sent her a week ao with no reply:

Hannah Smith 08 July at 22:31
Hi Kathryn,First of all I appologise is things havent come out right or if you have been offended I just felt like you don't have a clue. Me and Pat feel like we are loosing our son a little bit each day and then I get a message off you banninghim from certain parts of your wedding, You never ask how he is doing or anything like that, it just felt like you were judging him when you have no idea what he, or I am going through right now, it was just not the the type of comment I needed at that moment in time.

Dylan is my little boy and I hate seeing him deteriorate and all my energy is being used to just keep going, I just cant deal with a fight right now which is why I asked you to please leave me alone. Not because I hate you or think badly of you I just cant cope with any more problems.

I realise you probably dont understand the situation, who really can without going through it? But I just felt like I'm fighting for him every day and I didnt need to fight with you.

I really hope you have a good wedding and I hope this hasnt spoilt anything for you. I cant go because I dont want him to see another example of him being treated differently of being left out. This doesnt mean I dont want to go or that I am doing this out of spite at all, it just means I am doing everything I can to keep Dylans life as normal as it possibly can be.

he is not supposed to be like this, he is supposed to be perfect, I have done everything to make sure he is, but that's just life.

I am sorry if I offended you in any way.

Thank you Gravelchops! It's nice to get it all out and feel supported sometimes! I feel like it is hard raising a child with ASD especially at the 'coming to terms with it' phase lol... i still have weepymoments tinking about how hard his life is for him sometimes...but I thought family where there to support you not discriminate against your children.

Hanaka88 - I think you were very gracious in your email. Well done.
The ball is in her court and if she has any decency in her she will apologise to you.
Even if you don't go to the wedding you've stood your ground and not let your son down.
Please don't feel you EVER need to apologise for your son.
Try not to worry about how hard life is for your son. As long as your he is supported, loved and accepted he will be just fine.
Keep strong and remember there's nothing wrong with your child. It's society who has the "problem". It is hard raising a child with ASD but also wonderful if you focus on the positives.
xx

Well there's not much more you can do. You are being the adult. You've explained your reasons very clearly and you have wished her well for her wedding.

I think brides can become caught up in the idea that having a perfect day means everyone doing exactly what you say without question. They forget that other people have feelings in the heat of all the preparations.

Let's hope that when it's all over she'll calm down and realise that you had good reasons for staying away. If she doesn't and you can't mend the rift at least you know you have done right by your son. That is more important than anybody's wedding. However hard it is we have to make sure that our children are accepted for the beautiful people they are. If she doesn't want to share in your son's life that is her loss. I don't think he'll be any the worse off for not seeing somebody who is willing to treat him like this.

I don't think anyone can understand the turmoil you go through when you find out your child has SN. She won't 'get' it unless it happens to her.

You need to put your auntie and her wedding to one side now and move on with caring for your own family. Try not to worry too much about it. The ball is in her court so just sit back and see what happens.

Thankyou Gravel cops and Al1son, I am finding things hard to accept at the moment but I love my DS a lot, and he is just the way he is, which is a lovely boy who just finds things hard.

I feel much better for ranting =)

i really understand,my dd lost a lot of her skills at 2.10. Now,nearly a year on,she is making some progress. Hang on in there,it will get easier.

I didn't realise they could regress until DS started to, his speech was fantastic...now he is just saying repeated phrases, hardly any conversation at all.

phone call to my DS when he was at his dads the other day:
me: hey DS
DS: Hey
me: are you having a good time
DS: Stomp

that is basically the conversations we have now