Struggling wirth ASD/ADHD stepdaughter and just want to cry!!

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I hope you don't mind me having a little escape to here from the real world. I have SD who lives with me with ADHD and ASD and currently I am finding her very hard work.

I know she has her problems and I try really hard with her but feel really bad as at the moment I just so wish it was her own Mum bringing her up and not me. She is so tiring, just the every day stuff, the constant being on her case as she forgets everything and anything, the constant nagging to get her to do things she needs to do and the feeling like I am a horrible stepmother when I know really I'm not,just a tired one.

We have just moved house (me, DH and our five children)and I know I am tired from all the stress of that but where do I get some extra energy from?? and get rid of the urge to just sit and cry. When I am in control and less tired I manage SD fine (mostly ) but there are times I just wish I hadn't got involved and this is one of those times!!

Thanks for reading, sorry to be so negative, I just need to let off frustration and can't in my real world!!!

Buttons, Sounds like you're doing everything right. All of us are exhausted, and can't cope properly when we're tired.

I'm sure she throws the fact that you're her step-mum in your face, but our own kids do that as well. My DS is convinced I'm a terrible Mum and he hates me at the moment.

Unfortunately there is no solution but to keep on keeping on. Definately wishing she'd go live with her Mum won't help...

But we're all here for you, and we're all facing tough times with our SN kids. So keep posting when you want to.

Its hard isnt it, especially with 4 other kids too and moving house, sounds like you have your hands full.

I should imagine all the upheaval of moving house, has had an affect on your SD too and perhaps affected her behaviour, a strain all round by the sounds of it.

Have you tried some visuals supports ie lists or pictures of things she needs to do, it can cut down on the constant reminders?

Its hard work taking on others children let alone one with SN. You are doing a great job but we all get tired, and have a bad day or week
Is DH much help? Does she spend time with her mum?
I would recomend visual timetables she can check herself, saves you nagging and gives her some good self care skills.
HTH

I can sympathise! Ds has asd, adhd and LD and by the time I get him out the door for school I feel traumatised and disapointed with my parenting! I can manage when well and not exhausted but not so when worn down!
Sending hugs and a nice cuppa.
Moving house with 5 children- must be utterly exhausting! Can you ignore the unpacking and just wind down for an hour or two?

can her mum not take her at least some of the time so you get some respite? I do KNOW how tiring these difficulties are.

Also, how about having a week where your husband handles her, and you step back a bit?

You sound like a lovely step mum... don't worry too much as we all get really tired... just the fact that you feel shattered means your doing a great job iyswim.

You sound like a tired mum not a horrible stepmother.

You clearly care about your SD and are working very hard to give her what she needs. Don't beat up on yourself because you don't find it easy all the time.

Try to make sure you find a bit of 'me time' in all of this. It will help you find the energy to keep going. You should also consider some of the suggestions about getting somebody else to take a little more responsibility for a little while. I know this may not be easy to organise but it could be well worth it if you get the chance to re-charge your batteries.

If you are feeling the urge to sit and cry then go right ahead. It can be quite cathartic. Let it out when nobody else is around.

When you need to say things that you can't say out loud come and say them on mumsnet where others understand where you're coming from.

Thanks everyone. I abandoned unpacking boxes y'day and escaped to watching TV whilst doing the ironing, so had a much more normal day!!

Magso I think you hit the nail on the head. Its the fact you get up calm and ready to face the day and by the time she goes to school I am exhausted and the positive mood gone completely. Just the pick your spoon up, put the food into your mouth, next one, next one, the times ticking on etc etc etc.....and the arquing or staring at the other children. This in particular makes them uncomfortable snd much as I tell them to ignore her, I know she irratates them so much. She really does struggle with other peoples space etc and lots of the family (me inc) find it very uncomfortable how close she stands and stares at you or in a "haunting" way her eyes go really big and fixed on you and you have to tell her to stop it.

We are also trying to stop her telling other people they are evil at the moment. Its her latest word and being fired at people when they don't do what she wants. She is fixated with blood, skeletons, death etc at the best of times and so calling people evil fits to that but is not something we are comfortable with her doing.

She is always worse on a Sunday eve/Monday morning when she has been at her Mums (and pretty much uncontrolled all weekend) and so today she was a little better and I had more strength to deal with her again.

All good fun eh!!!!

Thanks again for the words of support and wisdom.

Oh Monday mornings! Ds has a hard time just coping with the change from weekend clothes to school clothes but poor DSD has to cope with a complete change of home and family to add to the confusion and opportunities to get distracted and forgetful!
Glad today is a better day.