Would you allow this?

[shimmerysilverglitter]

Posted this in AIBU as well as I wanted honest opinions but the few replies I have had made me realise it is more appropriate to be here.

Will try to keep this short. Split us with ex about 4 months ago, things pretty amicable and he sees dc every day. One of our dc has Autism.

Ex's parents live abroad, about a 7 hour flight away. We have never visited them while together basically because ex was a waster with money and couldn't get things together enough to make this happen.

He told me yesterday that his parents have offered to pay for him and ds - he has autism, to fly out to see them in this country.

My issues are this:

Last time ds stayed alone with a family member ie without me and ex this family members partner lost his temper with ds (does not understand about autism and doesn't believe he has it anyway and ended up being quite rough with ds. When I told MIL she said "well he can be quite naughty" justifying this person and how he dealt with ds. I just don't trust her anymore.

When ex gets with his Dad they drink a lot and basically turn into a pair of arses. Everything is about drink. All care would fall to MIL and they would be pissed every night. I would not be there to keep things on an even keel and keep ds away from seeing them drunk like that like I always did when together with ex, MIL and FIL do not have a problem with kids seeing this kind of thing, FIL and ex H used to get very drunk around ds when he was younger until I put a stop to it. To be clear MIL does not drink so much to excess but does not see a problem with "the Men" doing so.

I also have a DD believe it or not, she is 4 but considered to be to young to go on this trip and they have not offered for her anyway, probably because they know she wouldn't want to go right now as she is very clingy to me (because of things she saw with her father when we were still together I believe). I don't think it is a leaving out on purpose kind of thing.

So main care for an autistic child who MIL thought deserved a slap last time he was naughty with a member of her family would fall to her for the time ds is away with his dad.

I just do not feel comfortable with this, yes if ds was an hour away and could call me to pick him up but a 7 hour flight away??!

I feel that I am in effect banning ds from a fabulous experience but surely it would be safer and more appropriate for him to go when older and more able to take care of himself.

i feel it wouldnt be a wonderful experiance if those around ds dont understand him-and theres also a risk of being hit!
also-i dont feel this would do you much good aswell as youd be worrying all the time!
wait till ds is older!

7 hrs on a flight with an ASD child in itself is a feat of endurance, I would've thought, in any case.

No, you are not being unreasonable. Your son could be anxious, confused and scared around this sort of behaviour.

Too stressful for you.

No. No way are you being unreasonable.

Doesn't sound like a fabulous experience to me, being stuck with people who like to get drunk, don't understand autism and think hitting is a way of dealing with it. Don't make yourself feel guilty about your DS missng something that just wouldn't be appropriate. I think you are doing the right thing by stopping him going.

No - much easier for them to come to you for a few days, because then the routine won't change too much for DS and you can escape any foul behaviour

Your ex sounds like a right nightmare and his parents are the same (no surprise there).

You do not trust MIL understandably and your ex and his Dad have drunk like fish. Would not visit such a dysfunctional family under any circumstances, family or otherwise. This would in no way be a wonderful experience for him now; it could be more like a fraught and distressing one. You'd be worried about him the whole time and what if this other family member's partner got rough with your DS again?. Your MIL just excused this person's poor behaviour.

If you and your son were to visit them when he is older I would also stay in a hotel. Infact as they are your ex's parents you are really under no real obligation to actually visit them at all.

i wouldn't do it, not with a cild with autism. I was anxious abou sendig my child away with exes family untill now (he is 4) but they are nice poeople and his mum is a head teacher of a primary school so they really know what's going on, and know DS well

I agree with previous posters. It doesn't sound like your DS would have a fabulous experience if he went. He could well spend a great deal of the time feeling very anxious, confused, upset and homesick, to say nothing of missing you.

This could be something to consider in the future like you say when he is more mature and independent.

For a trip like that a child with autism needs extra reassurance and consistency and it sounds like he would have very little of either.

Stick to your guns and let them call you whatever they like. You know what's best for your son.

Could you encourage your ex to take both children away in this country instead? Perhaps their grandparents could come and join them?

Thanks, ex told me this last night and it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up but I was worried I was obsessing and being awkward about it (I was told that I was like this ALOT when married to ex, because I didn't find a lot of his behaviours acceptable but it does make me second guess myself all the time)

PIL do visit the UK a lot but have this thing about getting ds out there. I am sure he would enjoy it to a certain extent and he loves his grand parents but he would struggle with the change I know that. To be clear the family member who was rough with him would not be there, ex and I both in total agreement that ds will never see that person again, ex as upset and angry about this person and his dealings with ds as I am. It was the fact that his Mum upon hearing about it said "well he can be very naughty" meaning ds. I just don't trust her to deal with him appropriately, I don't think she would hit him but I am very worried by her attitude.

I did say I would only be happy about him going if I went to and I would pay for my flight etc but they don't want that, they just want ds.

Thank you everyone, I feel very reassured now that my instincts are the right ones.

I agree. If you can legally stop him going then do. If they want to see him they can come visit.

As well as all the other issues ASD kids normally don't travel well. My DS spent 2 hours screaming the plane down. And I will never take him on a plane again.

TBH this doesn't seem like it's an appropriate trip for a NT kid, let alone an ASD kid.

I won't be a good experience for him. ASD kids don't generally even like holidays. They don't like the change in routine and the new and different things. Again we don't take our DS on holiday anymore.

p.s. what is AIBU?

Am I Being Unreasonable?

AIBU = Am I being unreasonable?

agree with everyone else..don't do it.

trust your gut feelings on this one.

No bloody chance

Sometimes you have to make hard decisions to protect: ds1 isn;t going onm a school resi trip next eyar as SH and I beleive he woudl be at risk

HAs to be a blanket no

btw SN issues aside, the drinking culture in your ex's family would make me somewhat uncomfortable.

It does TotalChaos, it always has done. A year after ds was born I laid down an ultimatum that no-one would drink around ds. It hadn't happened loads before, I always removed him from the situation but they thought nothing of it.

One time I went out for a night out leaving ds with PIL, while out I lost my SIL who I had gone out with, I phoned and told MIL, she insisted on coming to pick me up and look for SIL with me, fine I thought as FIL was with ds. After finding SIL we went home to find FIL passed out on sofa, ds asleep upstairs. She had left ds with FIL in that condition and thought nothing of it. Ds luckily hadn't woken up thank goodness but anything could have happened. I just do not trust them.