How to deal with my poss SEN reception child's issues...

[TanyaBranning]

In a nutshell, 4.5 yr old DS has had issues since nursery (rising 3 yrs) with hitting/pushing other children.

It has now manifested itself in a particular way.

He is pretty much fine when he is doing very structured activities ie. circle time, assembly etc, but as soon as he has some freedom to socialise (playtime, lunch, over the other side of the classroom away from adults etc) he gets into scrapes. They almost always occur as a result of him not being able to do something he wants to do or not being able to handle a change in a situation e.g. he's playing with one child and another child wants to join in; he's been asked to tidy up and someone else tries to help him; he's playing with a toy and another child wants a turn; he wants to sit somewhwere and another child gets there first etc. His way of dealing with these situations is to instantly lash out, and as he is a big boy, this almost always ends in huge tears from the other child and my DS getting into trouble (rightly so, obviously). He has an extreme need to dominate, gets jealous very easily and finds it very difficult to share/take turns.

The SENCo has been across the situation for the past year. He has a learning mentor who comes in to work with him for half a day once a week. He has been assessed by a Community Paediatrician and has a review with her next month. We have had one appt with CAMHS and they are observing him at school tomorrow. But the situation rolls on. His behaviour stays the same and nothing seems to help.

He is also very bright - a fluent reader and very quick to grasp new information. I should also say that he is a lovely boy a lot of the time - chatty, great sense of humour, affectionate etc.

I just depair at the moment. I have been called in to the school 3 times in as many weeks (this is his first term in reception) because of him attacking other children, and I am already finding it hard to face other parents and really difficult to know how best to help my son. Should I be pushing the school for more help? I am also finding it hard to see any ebnefit in the assessment process. Nobody has offered any practical solutions so far and CAMHS have been pretty dire, actually.

Any advice gratefully received.

Hi cat64.

He does have an IEP, yes - which covers the stuff he does with the learning mentor mainly, setting goals for him to achieve re: expressing his feelings, taking turns, talking to an adult when he feels upset etc.

I just feel like we're not getting anywhere. He's had an IEP (or several versions of one) for the last 18 months and I have seen no improvement at all in his behaviour

I am due to meet his reception teacher for a proper chat next week, so will talk through the possibility of the learning mentor having more time with him.

Hi, my son (nearly 3) has autism and has some of the same issues you describe but language / social issues as well. I assume you / they are considering whether your son is on the upper end of the spectrum eg Aspergers? You can be bright, social and affectionate and still have Aspergers - you mention the structure as being very helpful, also problems with transitions wanting to be in charge all the time etc. Again this would fit with a child on the upper end of the spectrum many of whom struggle with the free play aspect / want to be social but don't quite get how to be. Does he have sensory issues? eg over or under sensitive to sound etc. Whether or not he has traits the structured approaches would probably work for him eg timetables (can be written if he is a good reader) of what is going to happen next - counting down to transitions eg use of sand timer. Also more 1:1 - if he is hurting other children they need to up the adult ratio so they can step in - he might need an adult to model / help with issues such as children joining the group etc - my child does not hit others because the staff (he's in nursery with 1:4 ratio) know what will make him lash out and step in before it happens. I agree that doing this in a class outside won't help he needs these skills to be modeled in the context in which the problems are occurring. Can also do social skills small groups - often a speech therapist comes in and runs these and can work on turn taking, social scenarios etc. Also use of social stories - a picture story about sharing etc - many resources for children with autism actually work really well for all children that age. If you are thinking along these lines then you might need to see someone who is more specialised in Aspergers or similar to assess. You can also look into private methods such as ABA (applied behaviour analysis) again not just useful for autism. Have you looked at the NAS website - if you think that any of the info on Aspergers rings true the NAS will most likely have a local group you could go along to and meet other parents. We went to the NAS when we did not know whether our son had autism or not and the parents were lovely - you don't need a diagnosis to access NAS support groups. Many children on the spectrum just don't respond to rules and boundaries in the same way - they don't get social rules or find approval rewarding enough - ABA uses more tangible rewards for good behaviour - again this might be an approach that would work eg children work for tokens and when they get 6 for positive behaviour they get a reward. Its about catching the good behaviour rather than focussing on the bad. Some of the issues eg which chair to sit on could be sorted out fairly easily if the teacher was on the ball to this being a flashpoint and intervened before it happened. Its about realising he responds in the way he does for a reason - because he doesn't get social rules perhaps - doesn't like other children barging in - might be sensory issues - rather than because he is naughty. I would be asking the school (who get a delegated budget for SN) to be putting in more staff for free time / or introducing more structure eg perhaps he gets a choice of 2 activities rather than free choice which he might find overwhelming. I am not suggesting your child is necessarily on the spectrum but I think some of the approaches used might help you.

Thanks for your replies. Sorry for late response but been very busy! Thanks for your detailed reply especially grumpy.

I had a chat with DS's teacher and learning mentor today. The LM is going to be doing two whole days a week until November and then will be coming in to work with my son 3 days a week. Interesting that you mention Asperger's. It has been at the back of my mind for a while and mentioned it today. Both his teacher and LM said they had hesitated to mention it as they are not qualified to make that diagnosis, but they both independently suspected this may be the case.

CAMHS are currently writing up a report on their observations of DS at school last week. Apparently the CAMHS woman told my son's teacher that she thinks he has 'obvious behavioural issues' (thanks for keeping me in the loop CAMHS! ).

I have arranged a review meeting with the Inclusion Manager (basically the SENCo) at DS's school for next week and am going to chase up CAMHS big time, too.

Thanks for listening to my rantings and ravings. I will be back soon no doubt

Thats good progress, I'm glad you were thinking along those lines as its always hard to know whether to suggest a particular possibility, but good the school recognise the need to put in extra support. Aspergers can be very hard to diagnose in younger children as they are so much better at fitting in than children with classic autism - mainly because they don't have the language delay; but they can still find the rules very hard and as I say he might need different motivators and rewards than other children. I would go and meet other local parents - this is just such invaluable advice about which schools / consultants / resources / social activities etc are available. Tony Attwood has written books about Aspergers which are supposed to be good - I haven't read them as my DS isn't at that level of the spectrum but CEREBRA has a free lending library if you can't access them via your library. The fact you have realised that there is a problem early on means you are really giving him the best chance and many of these social glitches can be ironed out with good early support - he might have to learn social rules in a more formal way rather than just absorbing them but he can learn them. The key thing is for you and the teachers / LM to start keeping a diary so you can see what are the triggers and build up a pattern. It could be what happens before that causes the problem - or it could be the response eg if he gets out of tidying up by pushing another child - he might push the child to get out of tidying up OR he might have difficulty having another child in his space which makes him push. So the pushing could be because of what happens before or afterwards. If you post on the main SN section you will get heaps more advice from those who know much more about Aspergers than me. Professionals never mention the "A" word until you do we have found, not until they have completed the diagnosis. However if you say I am thinking along these lines they usually breathe a sigh of relief and then tell you much more honestly what they are thinking. They are wary of diagnosing outside of a formal multi disciplinary team. Also be prepared they may not want to diagnose so young but that should not stop him getting the help he needs - you can also access DLA etc (again Cerebra have excellent section on this).

TanyaBranning - just wanted to reassure you that hopefully things will get better. You have have people looking into his behaviour which is a positive start.
Not wanting to say it could be Aspergers, but at least if you have considered it as a possibility it will not come as a shock if it does come up.
I was in a very similar place with my DS, year 1 was a real nightmare and he did end up with a DX of high functioning ASD, but having the DX really helped in all kind of ways, especially for me, as it gave me a reason for his behaviour and helped to stop me feeling like a bad parent.
I did find it difficult in the playground sometimes, but luckily I have an older child, so had some good friend who were very supportive of me.
There is lots of help here on MN, I wish I had known about it when I was in your position, but I also had lots of help from CAMHS and the NAS.
The good news is things really progress as DS got older, he is now in YR 5 and things are going really well.
Keep posting and look in the SN section as well, even if it is only as a lurker

Tanya, I have read your story and am in tears, having related 100% to your story as it is so similar to mine, I have a 4 yr old in reception yr and the ball has just started rolling, My Dr referred her for assessment when she was 2 yrs old and although she was highlighted as possibly being higher functioning on the autism spectrum there has been no further support for the past 2 yrs, until she started full time school, i have been screaming for help and still am for someone to recognise my child has SN and am in despair as to how to manage her on a day to day basis as her behaviour is out of control, please can anyone offer me any advice?

Tanya, I have read your story and am in tears, having related 100% to your story as it is so similar to mine, I have a 4 yr old in reception yr and the ball has just started rolling, My Dr referred her for assessment when she was 2 yrs old and although she was highlighted as possibly being higher functioning on the autism spectrum there has been no further support for the past 2 yrs, until she started full time school, i have been screaming for help and still am for someone to recognise my child has SN and am in despair as to how to manage her on a day to day basis as her behaviour is out of control, please can anyone offer me any advice?