advice needed re: 4 y.o who has no confidence yet aggressive and physical

[memoory]

My DS is 4.6. He doesn't have an SEN diagnosis but I do have concerns re: ASD and no-one has so far replied on my behaviour thread. So I wondered whether I could try here as maybe people's DC's will have had similar issues.

DS has always been behind socially. His speech was late and eye contact hit and miss etc. He has just started school and even though it's extremely early days, I can't see how he will make and keep friends. He isn't into Ben10 and the like really so doesn't fit in with the typical boys. He lacks confidence and is pretty shy so he gets on better with the quieter boys. The trouble is, although he lacks confidence, the little that he does say to them is bossy and aggressive and his face can show real malice . So he is fine when running around with his peers etc, but anything that requires a tiny bit of conversation or quiet focused play usually goes out of the window. I find it pretty hard not to get cross with him but am kinda realising this is not the way to go. If anyone reading can shed ANY light on how to help him/ parent him I would be so grateful. He is a bright little boy who is very into numbers/ letters and learning in general.

My DS (age 6) has ASD, including language issues and absence of age-appr social skills.

You mention that his speech was late w/ variable eye contact- is this still the case? If so, have you thought about getting an assessment from a speech/language therapist, and perhaps an ed. psychologist?

I can certainly relate to your frustration- it seems to me that your DS may benefit from a few assessments which will hopefully guide you in both his educational needs and how to help him.

His speech is absolutely fine now, you wouldn't know there was ever a problem. He did see a SALT a couple of times but she discharged him 18 months ago. It's just using speech in a friendly way with peers that he struggles with. He can say some lovely things to them but he just can't keep it up and you can see his friends getting fed up!

He's also been assessed by a developmental paed (one who specialises in ASD) who basically said 'yes, he has some quirks but I think he's on the right track and just needs a bit of school'. I truly don't know what to think, sometimes he shows lots of personality and I think he's fine. Other times I think there's more to it than just being a bit behind.

I think it's really important to trust your instincts- there probably is more to it than just being a bit behind. You mention his difficulty with "friendly speech"- would you say he also lacks empathy- understanding his friends' feelings and emotions? How does he tend to interact with you and other family members?

Besides these issues, how is his overall health?

Sounds a bit like ds1 at that age in terms of behaviour

Firstly, agree that it is worth asking for an assessment- ds1 was dismissed in a similar manner at his first assessment, then
as he grew things changed, we saw a different Paed (moved house) and he was diagnosed, now has a statement and is quite clearly Aspergers in the school environment.

My guess is that the confidence issue is a result of other hardships- and they will need to be dealt with separately.

Start with a chat with the SENCO if you ahven't had one, to register your concerns. they can often suggest strategies that can help- things that have worked for us (we ahve four boys, 2 of whom are on the spextrum in different ways)- include designating a named, well chosen older child to initiate play, use of time out systems etc. Have a search for techniques for children on the spectrum- peopleseem to think they are ASD specific but in the main they are just very good problem solving approaches and can work with anyone- two texts that can be used for any child are here (which isnt the dog training book it seems to be LOL- suggested a Mumsnet SALT and found to be excellent), and for practical ideas this book

I am a big believer in instinct myself, so would definitely say that if you feel something is amiss you should follow up.

For the confidence there's a very lentil weavery technique known as love bombing which I ahve used despite its sickly overtones to great effect with all my children. Its very simple- its just about maing an overt attempt to express positive things and state your own love as often as possible in the day. It won'r change the difficulties they face, but IME it does help them do it with an inner glow, IYSWIM?

Oh and welcome to SN mumsnet- you'll very rarely get no response here.

Well typically (at times when I'm panicking about him) he has come home from school today on top form, very calm and chatty about his morning at school.

Claudia and donotpress- I think the instinct thing is very powerful isn't it. Trouble is he's so new to school that I don't feel I can ask the teacher about him yet. I think he'll actually be being very good at school- He can sit still for a good length of time, is good at listening and taking things in and seems to be enjoying all the new things, i.e. P.E. and trips to the music room. Basically I think he's taking it in his stride as he mostly did at pre-school. I think at parents evening in Oct though, I'll probably be pretty open about my worries. I never mentioned any worries at pre-school and neither did his keyworkers except to say he was shy with children. We are seeing the paed again in November- not seen him since March.

I don't know what to think about the paed we're seeing. I think because it was me who went to the GP for referral in the first place and the fact that at both appointments I've said I'm not entirely happy, he's not discharging us. Or is he not discharging us because he suspects DS is on the spectrum? Thing is, do you trust these paed's?- should I just state the facts and let him assess DS or should I get more pushy? Sorry for the waffle! As you can see, I'm really confused by DS- today is a good day and I'm thinking he's just a bit quiet and immature but yesterday was a different story! Does this sound familiar to anyone?

bump- is it normal to feel all over the place like this?!