This is a long story.
Last year DS1 started school. This September DS2 is due to start at the same school. Both boys have Autism, neither has a statement (although we have been fighting for this).
Initially on looking around this school the head was very 'can do' about their special needs, didn't think their lack of continence was a problem and was very positive. It helped that the school was very local to us.
Once DS1 was down to go there though the pressure started. I was to get him toilet trained as they were not going to change his pull ups. At the time DS1 had a phobia of toilets. I spent the last summer holidays with DS1 screaming the place down traumatised but against the odds he was more or less continent (with the odd accident) on starting school in September last year.
DS1 is also still not at school full time. He attends five mornings and four afternoons now - but it only got to that a couple of weeks ago. Previous to this it was five mornings and two afternoons. He starts school three quarters of an hour after the rest of the children despite having proved he can cope with participating in a line up in the playground. He is not allowed to attend assembly and he is not allowed to stay at lunch time, we have to travel and collect and return him at the beginning and end of lunch. This as well as picking DS2 up from preschool. Makes lumch times very tight for time and stressful.
He is not participating in school events properly. For example the carol concert and the school production he was just sat next to me in the audience watching the rest of the school performing. He could easily cope with participating, all he would need to do is sit next to the teaching assistant. I'd be quite happy to remove him if this didn't work. They don't even try to include him in these events.
When DS1 started school Portage were very good with helping transition. They suggested strategies such as a visual timetable to help him settle in class. The school have set this aside and will use it 'when he has a statement'. All other advice from speech therapy, the social communication team etc are set aside for 'when he gets a statement'.
So the head is involving all the correct agencies and getting in touch with organisations to help, but their advice is not being implemented until he gets a statement. In the meantime he's flailing, he's not picking up reading or writing at all. He is absorbing facts and retaining them mentally.
Portage were trying to organise transition for DS2. All along the head has been obstructive. She's started on the toilet training pressure already, despite DS2 having a problem with his genitals which makes toilet training impossible at the moment. As soon as it is possible to do so we will do it. Once again he's been turned down for statutory assessment so we're fighting for it.
Yesterday there was due to be a meeting at the school - multi agency with portage, the parent partnership, DS2's keyworker in attendance as we hadn't thrashed out some key issues to DS2 starting in September. The head cancelled this meeting with 20 minutes' notice despite the fact people were travelling from all over the county to get there - they all arrived at the school to be met in the car park by the head being particularly brusque and telling them the meeting wasn't needed.
The agencies involved are shocked and stunned, she's done this with just a few days notice to the end of term. They've never seen anything like it in the years they have been working for education. So now DS2 isn't going to get the transition he needs into school. Portage tried to contact the school but she flat refused to take their calls and told the secretary to tell them she wouldn't take their calls.
I'm sure I could think of a million and one other things - they don't discuss things with me they tell me what is happening. They steam roller over my input into meetings. DS1 isn't getting the support he needs and I'm not confident that DS2 will get that either.
So after much agonising (we've been considering this since last October but Parent Partnership persuaded us to hang in there) we have decided we are moving them to a different school. Actually after yesterday and the cumulation of events in the past year Parent Partnership now agree this is the best course of action.
My problem is that nobody can advise me which schools around here are particularly good with special needs. I am terrified that I am going to jump out of the frying pan into the fire and put them in another school that will treat them badly. After I have fucked up so royally in my initial decision on what school to send them to I really don't trust my judgment any more and I don't know what to do.
Apparently none of the schools in my town are 'that great on inclusion' - the opinion of a few of the health care providers we see with the boys.
What the hell do I do?