Got the same kid again. Is it time for a chat?

[jealiebaby]

Hi,

I posted here a few weeks ago for advice on how to handle a mum who was very unhappy that her DS was the target of my DS's (AS)frustration. I fully understand why she was unhappy as I think any mother would be if her child was bitten (even though it came out that her DS has taken to winding my DS up to provoke a reaction). They are only 4/5 so these things happen. She has been very unapproachable in the playground, given out lots of dirty looks and taken the situation a wee bit too far in my eyes, but things died down, as they do and following advice I decided not to approach her personally. I continued to smile at her etc to show no hard feelings.

Anyway this week my DS was having a 'moment' and his support teacher picked him up to removed him from the group for everyones safety until he calmed down. As she did this he kicked out (no malice intended just frustration) and managed to catch the same little boy he bit last time. He was absolutly fine, no mark, no tears and the class carried on with no other problems. Anyway when his mother was informed (as is procedure) and has once again started her mission to have my DS removed.

Basically I am once again looking for advice from all of you who have no doubt been in this situation more than once. Should I try and arrange a formal meeting with her through the school? Should I have a word with her on her own and apologise and try to give her more information about my DS's SN? Should I send a blanket letter to all parents about DS? Should I ignore it all and carry on as normal?

I would like to point out that the school are not going to remove DS and I am working very closely with them to ensure the safety of all staff and children.

Sorry for long ramble.

ignore her, I would. Concentrate your energy on your son and his education. You are not responsible for other people's ignorance.

I do feel for you jealiebaby - it is so hard this stuff. I also have an autistic DS in mainstream.

I think if it were me, I would breach her defences and try and explain that a) this time it was an accidental kick but that b) you take it very seriously and are working very very hard, at home and with the school, to make sure it doesn't keep happening. Explain that his autism makes it difficult but you are still sorry and are working hard. I don't think you will necessarily get a good reaction from her, and I would keep it brief and then move away, but it WILL make it more difficult for the silly woman, or at very least it will give her pause for thought next time she complains (it is always hard to complain when someone has put themself in the right by apologising). I think that with ridiculous playground politics, which can get very underhand and bitchy, you can catch people unawares by actually being very straightforward and talking face to face, rather than by letter or via the teacher etc. It will take a lot of bravery though, as she sounds a bit of a hard-faced bitch - but what is that quote "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer!".

I have not been in this exact position yet, but I think this is what I would try and do, for what it's worth.

Good luck!

I might sound a bit dissalusioned (sorry for the dreadful spelling, up in night with DS2 (NT) not well!!), but I just want to make peace. I totally understand her point of view and want her to know that.

sickofsocalledexperts - I think you are right. I am going to have to build up the courage and face her. I just dont want to make things worse for the school who are being really supportive to date. I feel she is volatile and could go either way. but then I may be missreading her in the same way she is my DS! I knew I would have these battles but you are never prepared for them when they come!!!

actually, if it was me, i wouldn't approach her. i think if she's trying to get your son removed, she's a) very firmly set in her opinions and b)very ignorant of your child's legal & moral right to an education.

if she doesn't like her child mixing with a broad spectrum of the population, she needs to consider private/home ed, not vicitmize yours.

i also suspect (may be mean of me) that no matter how you word your discussion, she will see it as an apology & and admission of 'guilt' when you have nothing to apologize for.

you won't change her mind, don't spend any more time worrying about what goes on in there.

agree - it is often good to approach them with a 'i'm really sorry, ' (and as sickof said, explain the issues and how hard everyone is working).

i would also be explaining that routine and familiar locations are of benefit, and it would be unlikely that the educational psychologist would suggest moving ds as you and the school are working extremely well on managing and attempting to limit behaviours, and everyone is really pleased with how he has managed the transition to yr r.

however, it would also be appropriate to 'use' her if you are at all unhappy about the provision that ds currently has - is the lsa sufficiently well-trained to be actively looking out for triggers? is she sufficiently well trained to recognise triggers if they have been noted (ie personal space/ noise/ anxiety because of x,y,z, whatever) - it can be really helpful if there is something you are having trouble sorting out with school (such as lack of supervision or specific training) to actually ask a pita mum to complain 'as it will help get more funding and support in place'. i'm really interested why the lsa is manhandling ds though - round here such moments are usually dealt with by moving the other kids, rather than hauling an sn child around? have they got a plan in place as to how to deal with incidents from a safety point of view (the sn child and other children and staff), or are they still doing it on an ad hoc basis? i have no idea which is the right way (not trying be an expert lol) but curious why this is the method they are using - i would have thought that might be exacerbating the situation - have they suggested any techniques to attempt to divert a 'moment' if they spot a trigger?

if you are happy with the provision, and do not have any concerns that this one woman's opinion will be overblown though, i'd probably just smile and say hello, and drop how hard it is into conversation. it is quite easy to take the wind out of sails if you are blase enough... i wouldn't make a big deal out of it either way - such laydeez are known to thrive on a bit of playground drama and it will feed her gossip for months.

accidents will happen, but if you do believe tthey are caused by the inability of the school to keep any of the children safe (and that does include safe from accidental flailing by sn pupils lol) then you do need to be approaching school about tweaking their policies - as does she - i'd still be very open with her - you haven't got anything to be ashamed of, and in this instance you can employ the 'will you help me by reporting it to school' tactic... it's really important that she knows you will support her in any valid complaints to the school - valid being the operative word...

Thanks for that.

In answer to your question my DS is very unpredictable and an activity he loved one day could be the cause of his meltdown the next day. The lsa is aware of the triggers that we have noticed and is constantly on the lookout for anything but he seems to have new triggers every day.

We have discussed the best way to handle things and I told them that at home if my youngest DS is involved I find it easier to take DS1 out of the situation to an area where he can calm down and get his frustration out. (usually his bedroom with tons of beanbags and cushions!!). They are trying to apply this at school but he rarely goes willingly even though it does calm him down in the end. I think we are all just hoping that he will learn to manage his behaviour and possibly ask for or take himself to his calm area when he feels frustated.

I am very open to ideas though as so much of what we have tried or read has failed and sometimes both myself and the staff are puzzled as to what to do next. We sometimes find something that works but then a couple of days later it doesn't. The ASD specialist teacher who comes in gives new ideas all of the time but they either dont work or they do for a very limited time. Does that make sense, cos I feel like I have just rambled???

it makes perfect sense lol - it's great that you are happy with what school are doing. hopefully once he is more used to the routine they can employ the safe space routine a bit more effectively lol. there will come a time when he's too big to manhandle though - probably not too far away lol, i was just wondering more in terms of physical lifting and handling - if he's a wee slip of a boy it's probably manageable at the mo - i know a couple of fairly hefty primary lads that they have had to employ the other technique for - removing the other kids whilst they give them some space/ talk them down... but you do have to stay failry flexible lol - as you say, what works one day has a horrid habit of not working the next!
it is a real dilemma - and you can never get an ideal situation tbh, you just have to carry on working with what you've got! have they tried giving him some time in his 'safe' zone for five minutes every couple of hours even if he doesn't seem to need it? sometimes it's a cumulative effect, and he might be able to cope better with so much information bombardment that if he had a space to process it all periodically and 'stop' concentrating, it might give him a break and reduce a later meltdown?
i have no idea, really - i know one child it worked for, but another who found it really difficult to be 'removed' like that... depends on how the lsa manages it, really... if it became part of the routine and was reinforced all the time as a calm zone, not just when he flips out, then it might help him to make the connection and take himself there if he felt he was losing it?

early days lol - i'm sure overthe next term or so they'll all know each other a little more and be able to come up with some new ideas. hope you manage to get the other mum on side - it's tough when you are faced with negativity - as if you haven't got enough on your plate lol. x

I wouldn't approach her about the incident specifically, but I would generally chat to her and the other mums to show them that you're a normal mum like them (which is what you seem to be doing by smiling etc.)The school can handle the difficult mum, they will soon get fed up of her if this is the second time she has complained in a short period of time. Most mums will be more sympathetic and will be inwardly thinking that she is horrid if she does say anything to them.

Hi.I have been here- think I responded to your last post?

Again do not approach her- some poeple can get ansty, its that simple. 'Ours' did and its not worth it.

Dealwithe verything via the school,but do make sure you go in after every incident and have a proper meeting.Takes notes and if you feel necessary (we do)email a copy to LEA and ask them to 'hold on his file'(thats in case 'our' family ever complain to LEA; they seem convinced we don't care)

If you have a SNAP in your area they can help

But please think before approaching apents; they can understandably get quite upset and some people klash out or threaten when upset. Many peoplewill try an understand the AS but as far as some peopleare concerned they only care about their child's needs: I can understand that even if I think they are wrong.

a space to process it all periodically and 'stop' concentrating, it might give him a break and reduce a later meltdown?

DS1 can'ta lways ask frtime out, its too hard t make that approach. he ahs a lamnated card which gets him access to a space- often the library- makes a massive difference to him.

It does mean getting all staff on board though; dinner ladies at our schooldon't seemkeen (in fairness I bet they ahevnt a clue what AS is) but the SENCO is running training sessions for all staff members because of this.