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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

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Original poster

Anyone else facing/had experience of an aspie child's 16th birthday?

18 replies

Joe90 · 02/09/2008 23:21

My oldest son's birthday is on Sat. Although he attends a youth club he has never had a friend home from secondary school, unlike his two brothers. We used to do laser quest at vast expense when at primary school, didn't get invites back. For the last 4 years have just done trips with family, the contrast with his brothers breaks my heart. We recently had to move for hubbies job, he has actually been better for not living in the place where he was born (unlike his brothers) but we have not even got phone nos for casual acquaintances. Has anyone got any advice/ideas, obviously I will not say anything but the contrast to what a 16th birthday should be breaks my heart. Perhaps anyone could help me with contacts in the N Wilts (Devizes) area?

OP posts:

bubblagirl · 03/09/2008 18:01

bumping for you x

Original poster

Joe90 · 05/09/2008 12:08

Thanks bubblagirl, he is keen to go to Brownsea island (Scouting history and red squirrels)as long as weather's ok!). I think he will have a good day, it's just hard for me, comparing it to my life experience, by his age I was not keen to do anything with family (mind you I just had two older brothers, both of whom were total hippies by 1976) and my best friend meant and means so much to me I cannot imagine life without one.

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loudmouthmum · 05/09/2008 23:02

I have an aspie youger brother, who will turn 18 next february. My mum and I know EXACTLY how you feel, we can't even invite one person that isn't family to his 18th birthday. In contrast, on MY 18th birthday, I went out in a group of 16 friends to a nightclub, and generally caused mayhem! My mum actually spoke to him about this a few days ago, and he said that 'I haven't found anyone who is worth trying to understand yet'. I think that just about sums it up!. We are hoping that university in a years time will help him to form some friendships/ aquaintances/ maybe even a girlfriend. Good luck, and I think that doing what he wants to do will make it a better birthday experience for him, as he's not being put into an overly social experience when he doesn't want to be.

Original poster

Joe90 · 07/09/2008 21:01

Thanks everyone, just to let you know we had a great day, Poole museum, pizza express and Brownsea island, the rain held off until the end! You are right loudmouthmum, as you say it is the contrast that upsets us, luckily his brothers are younger so they are not bring home girlfriends yet!

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bubblagirl · 08/09/2008 17:12

im really glad you had great day did mean to come back and wish you well but havent been well

it is worrying i have young ds ASD and all these things worry me as he gets older

im happy you all had good time thats what counts

is there any groups at all he can join with like minded people in or around your area? maybe NAS website has some information x

Original poster

Joe90 · 08/09/2008 23:07

Thanks bubblagirl, he has been a Scout until he was too old and should be able to join Explorers here, also he seems to enjoy youth club, more as a helper than user. Tonight we realised the depth of our middle child's unhappiness in his new school since moving last June, he is now in Year 8, he made a few friends last term but they quickly turned against hinm because of Chris. There was some nastiness in our old school but Alex was able to cope as he had friends from primary school. It is so bad for him that I will have to see if any neighbouring schools have room and pay bus fares, if you have more than one child it can help to send the aspie child to a different school if you can, we not only had to endure serious bullying of Chris but targetting Alex while he was still at primary and abusive phone calls. I can't wait until Chris can finish school at the end of this year, so his bros wont suffer so much because of him!

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thornrose · 08/09/2008 23:14

This is very poignant for me, my 8yo AS dd has her ninth birthday in a couple of weeks and yet again no school friends or brownies that she has "bonded with" well enough to invite to her party.
In the past we have invited family members and their children so it's been ok. I've suggested we don't have a party this year and go out to a restaurant for a nice meal and maybe go and choose something nice with her birthday money. She seems fine with this but inside it breaks my heart!

Original poster

Joe90 · 10/09/2008 23:28

Thornrose, sorry I didn't see this earlier, am working some evenings now, leaving the nagging about homework and cooking to Dad . So good to hear other mothers feel the same, I know Temple Grandin et al write about not needing a social life but I think with your own child you presume they will buck the trend. I think we are all right to accept this and make birthdays as good for them on their own terms, but can be forgiven for grieving a bit inside. I have tried to sort things for Chris such as Scouting, Judo,Young Archaeologist's Club (because dad is one), animation station and helping at Youth club so that he feels he is socialising even if he isn't really but find it incredible that he has never found anyone to gel with, a few years back he went on a bus with a friend's aspie son to the Animation station for a week and even that led nowhere! Are there any high functioning aspie girls around Devizes who would like a blind date perhaps?

OP posts:

thornrose · 11/09/2008 13:45

Thanks Joe90, my dd goes to Brownies, has been going for a year now and although the girls are much kinder and more tolerant than the girls in her class she hasn't made an actual friend.
I'm glad you agree about the birthday plan, makes me feel a bit better.
It's a shame ours are not closer in age

Kewcumber · 11/09/2008 13:49

my neice is high functioning aspie (now 20) at 16 we had very nice family lunch out but by 18 she had really settled down well in 6th form college and had a fairly "normal" 18th birthday in the house with family and her new friends. It was lovely.

Kewcumber · 11/09/2008 13:51

if it helps at all I have no ASD traits whatsoever and my 18th birthday (by choice) was small party for family and friends in the house.

thornrose · 11/09/2008 13:51

OOh, see that's what I love to hear, thanks

thornrose · 11/09/2008 13:52

Good point, I too have no ASD traits and I have always just had one or two close friends and never had parties or sleepovers.
It's very easy to think that everything is related to AS and forget my dd has her own personality too.

Kewcumber · 11/09/2008 14:02

and she has a lovely if geeky boyfriend - not aspie (supposedly but I'll eat my hat if he's not... )

Maveta · 11/09/2008 14:15

just saw this thread and wanted to back up what Kewcumber said - my birthday is near xmas and it's hard to get people out for it when they are busy with the general party season. The result is that I have never had big birthday celebrations except my 21st maybe when I went out with a small group of friends. For me birthdays are about cake and tea with my parents and maybe a meal out with boyfriend of the time (now my dh of course!), maybe my sisters or close friends if they are around but more than likely not.

Just in case it helps that plenty of people have quiet birthdays and they are just as lovely if that is what you like/are used to

nikos · 15/09/2008 16:53

I think it's important to remember that it is about what makes them happy and not our idea of what would be a good time. (Have ds with ASD). I'm really trying to look at, not what I would do to be happy but what actually makes ds happy.
Different strikes for different folks and all that.

Lotstodo · 21/09/2008 08:18

I work with young children and a lot of them aged 7, 8 and nine say that when it's their birthday they often don't want a party and to be centre of attention and do find it quite an ordeal but it is taken our of their hands, assumed they would want a party and their mums have then booked it and then invited all the children in the class that their child has been to parties of. At the start of the process the child has expressed an interest in a particular theme of party and the rest is history.

callgirls · 28/09/2008 18:18

My son is now 9 and we are waiting for him to be diagnosed with AS. (We are told this could take up to a year) He always wants to do the same thing for his birthday, parents, grandparents and him and chocolate cake. This year however we were on a cruise ship for his birthday with one set of GPs and he didn't enjoy it at all. I guess its something we have to accept. I am still learning about AS but he is unloving (no hugs,kisses) and today he told me he hates me because I wont give him some money to buy a Wii with!! My heart is breaking over this but I am trying to be brave and smile sweetly. In truth I am crying just typing this.

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