Any advice on parenting immature ND 9yo?

[WhatNextImScared]

My DD has just turned 9, youngest in her school year. She has autism and dyspraxia and is in the referral list for adhd too. She is Keeping up academically (average) but socially the differences with her peers are very obvious.

With only 2 years to go until secondary I’m really keen for her to make some baby steps towards independence but she takes so little for herself naturally, especially when compared to her almost 6yo sister.

i’m finding parenting her quite exhausting at the moment as in many ways as she still needs a lot of physical support.

here are some examples:

still sometimes forgets to flush the toilet and has to be reminded about daily tooth brushing, drinking water, putting on a jumper if cold etc

dresses herself but not reliably; will still put plan t-shirts on the wrong way round or spend ages on buttons. In winter she won’t zip up her coat as she finds the process tricky and rather than practice until she’s mastered it she just gives up

doesn’t want to bathe alone and hates the shower so always baths, which is fine but makes it harder to her to wash her hair independently which I think she really should be doing now.

She socialises very young for her age, she is still very into soft toys etc. it’s nice becuse she and her sister play happily together and mostly have a good bond, but I wonder how I should be better supporting her social development ?

She will get lost really easily if we’re not actually talking about directions of where we’re going eg walk the wrong way and get disorientated even in an area near home she should know very well

I’m just so exhausted but also want to make sure i don’t increase too many demands on her at this crucial time.

I’m posting to ask if anyone further down the line on ND parenting has any strategies to help me prepare her for life as a teen?

Anyone with experience? I feel totally at sea at the moment

Read your post back but pay attention to your first (very important) paragraph.
I feel like you are describing her difficulties as if she is typically developing. If she could do all of the things that you are outlining she wouldn’t have been diagnosed.

Her needs are in line with a child with sensory needs, poor short term memory, difficulties with fine manipulative skills and difficulty with executive functioning skills.

Children with her needs often have a spikey profile.
If you sat her down I’m sure she’d be able to tell you that you she needs to flush the toilet but then just can’t remember. I expect she knows people wear a jumper in Winter but due to Interoception she may not know if she’s hot or cold.

I expect everything feels magnified right now as there is no usual routine and your DC are off school.

My advice would be try to stop worrying about the teen years and deal with the here and now.
Think about strategies that will prompt her to do things or make every day routines easier for her and you.

Use visuals and visual schedules ( symbols, written or both) timers, timetables, first and then approach.
Look at backward chaining for dressing skills, zips etc and buy a fastenings board or toy.

Google fine manipulative activities, playdough, pegs and boards, threading cutting etc.

Some of these things will prepare her for going back to school in September. You can speak to the SENCO about Social Skills interventions, ask about Lego Therapy.

How long ago was she diagnosed and were you offered any post diagnostic support such as NAS Early Bird Plus for parents?
There is a TeenLife version which you could access in future.

Some things such as finding her way around will likely persist into adulthood but she will manage with SatNav, Google Maps or Ubers.

If it helps to sum things up our autistic daughter said at your daughter’s age
“I’m stuck in this stupid 9 year old’s body and in my head I’m only 5! “

@24Dogcuddler’s post is excellent.

To add, many typically developing 9 year olds need reminding to brush their teeth. In fact, some dentists believe parents should brush/check teeth until older than 9. Many typically developing 9 year old girls need help to wash their hair too. It isn’t that unusual.

Can you buy a coat with velcro over the top of the zip so DD can fasten that?

For T-shirts, you could try putting a mark on the back of the T-shirt to help DD be able to tell which is the front and back.

Has DD had SALT and OT assessments? Does she receive any ongoing input from them? What support does DD receive at school?

How is DD’s core strength?

How are her gross motor skills?

I would think about requesting an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

The SEN and SN boards are quieter, so it takes longer to receive replies, but you don’t get some of the awful replies you sometimes get on the main boards.

I totally agree with @24Dogcuddler the first paragraph especially.

My DS is AuDHD and needs a lot of reminding also.
it can be very tiring so I totally get why your feeling abit stuck.

I remind myself his ADHD brain is constantly fighting his ASD brain. So whilst they are aware what needs to be done, half of their brain has several thoughts at the same time resulting in forgetting, doing something else etc.

I'm afraid my AuDHD-er is 13 and I am still much more involved with daily reminding of about a billion (it feels like) different things including tooth brushing and toilet flushing. She's pretty good socially and physically (much better than me at sports etc) but struggles hugely with emotional regulation.

You have to parent the child you have. There's no other option really.

It's really nice she gets on with her sister.

I got a good tip from a Jeffery Bernstein book of every day reminding yourself of her good attributes to avoid focusing on the negative. I've gone as far as making PowerPoints sometimes!