Helping my four-year-old cope with transitions between two households

[Newbie234561]

I’m not sure if this is the relevant topic but the last time I posted on parenting I felt like I was fighting for my life 😂 I have 4 children, 15yo boy, 12 yo (asd) girl, 4yo boy (who this is about) and a 3 yo girl. Now if I start from the very beginning it would be far too long, so if I go from just the most recent things. My 4yo has always displayed different behaviours but I’m big on sensory needs as toddlers, although the behaviour didn’t dissipate with age rather exaggerate. he thrives with structure, struggles with changes even with different rules in different houses, is very intelligent and his memory is impeccable! He also has an immense amount of energy, verbal diarrhoea, he was referred to SALT by nursery due so pronouncing words and now has developed a stutter, will end up in loop sentences repeating constant questions. I sought out help after some of his behaviours became dangerous, speaking to his nursery manger/senco she recommended HV so I requested some help I did say I just wanted help managing his behaviour so I believe they sent a specialist for that and I have implemented positive parenting strategies and lots of visuals which is helping incredibly. My reason for this post is because I have felt heart broken tonight by how he must be feeling 🥺 he goes to his dads every other weekend just for 1 night, when he arrived home it was as though all the strategies I’ve put in place and tools he has been great at using all went out the window, whilst I was trying to stay patient it was hard. I said to him whats going on bud we’ve been doing so well what’s happening today- he replied with “my brain tells me I’m wrong” I immediately sat down with him and hugged him he then said “ at daddy’s house my brain tells me to be naughty at mummy’s house” I said how brave and clever he is and thanked him for telling me, he continued and said “I want to be at mummy’s house and I get sad, I try but my brain tells me to do it, I’m sorry” I found it amazing that he at 4 years old could express this to me but also heart broken he even feels this way. At mine he has his visuals, routine and boundaries we are working well on and he has been happier, less physical violence and frustration. At dads it’s as though anything goes until that invisible barrier is crossed and it’s straight to shouting, it’s pretty unpredictable there they also have a dog which is always jumping around and he expresses he loves but is too much, and even simple things because he struggles with loud noises (as do I 😂) the tv is quieter than most but at dads very loud. I think the transition is what’s hard for him and I’m not sure what to do about this? Has anyone got any advice.

Would DS’s DF be willing to adopt the same strategies? Is DS’s DF willing to attend appointments/go on courses/read around how to help DS?

Would DS wear ear defenders?

Would more regular but shorter contact times help? For some, this can help with transitions. For others, it can make it more difficult.

Sadly I think he has all the best intentions and listens to what I say is needed but putting it into practice is not something he does, he doesn’t attend appointments as he feels I can handle them on my own? I have suggested he comes but a lot of the time he is working.

He loves wearing his sister’s old head phones so I imagine he would happily do so.

the problem with this is that would mean his visits would be different to his siblings and although I know it’s effecting him, he also suffers with a big fear of missing out lol

How well for him to tell you now he’s feeling.

i would try the ear defenders.

the naughty behaviour at your house, can very well be from it being his safe space.
so everything that has built up at dads house, all the emotion, possibly abit anger, over stimulation is pouring out of him once he’s back with you.
you have his routine and needs down to a T, whilst not so good at dads.

dad needs to copy and paste your strategies at his house so he feels ‘safer’ there.

I split with my son’s dad and my son acted the same way once home. It got to the point he stopped wanting to go.

I was amazed and so proud he could express this to me.

would I use these for the drive home? And when he is back to give him some time to readjust?

I am trying my best however dad takes it as me saying “you’re doing it wrong” rather than things what would help our son. And that is what I fear, I do believe his dad is brilliant with them however Ive always been the one to be more understanding and willing to change to make improvement and maybe he feels that he doesn’t care as once DS is in my care “it’s not his problem” the behaviour I can handle it’s how our son feels I can’t, maybe sharing that with him might help I don’t know

Give him them for whilst he’s there, and yes I would on the way home also.
Is there anything particular that calms him that he could do on the way home in car?
colouring, fidget toy etc.

I totally get what your saying in terms of dad thinking he’s being told he’s doing it wrong.
my ex was exactly the same.
I did have to have a proper talk with him and say it’s not you as a dad, it’s the needs of our son.
he needs x y z to feel calm, happy, regulated.

once I explained the explosive behaviour I was getting at home as a result of being at his I think he realised adaptions needed to be added.
I also added in that DS would very likely be happy and content whilst at his with his things in place.

How kind of DS’s DF to abdicate responsibility ! What would he say if you tried to explain it isn’t about you managing the appointment alone, it is about supporting DS?