Any tips for a four-year-old fixating on plans that have not been made or are not in my control

[Newbie234561]

hello, my 4 year old son seems to fixate on things, I’m not talking a great hobby that keeps him quite, I mean requests that involve LOTS of talking 😂 It happens daily with different things I.E the evening bike ride we take he asks multiple times a day, going over what we are having for lunch and so and so on. This is all manageable I am in control of those things. Recently he has done it with things that are out of my control and I just wondered if anyone has some sort of magic trick that works? 2 weeks ago my niece had a baby and I made the mistake of telling him that day and for an entire week I could not get him to understand why we couldn’t visit yet, he would not do anything else discuss anything else and kept completely melting down after realising we were not going. Now today was his last day at pre school and they obviously said “it’s now the school holidays” my son heard holiday and immediately thought holiday as in the one we took to Greece last year 😔 he came out of pre school (even though I had been warning him of school holidays and what that meant for weeks now) saying mummy we are going on holiday to the pool, I’ve explained endlessly what the school meant, tried explaining the cost and how even if we could go we could not go today. I’ve tried calmly explaining, asking questions to distract doing different activities, talking about what we will be doing and all the fun things we are going to do, tried ignoring the hell loop of “we go on holiday now” and resorted to just saying nope we are not going on holiday. Please tell me someone has advice because I fear that even if it takes a week to settle, if he hears the word holiday it will start back up 😩

I have DC who need to know what is happening, when, etc. We find a detailed timetable and meal plan on a whistle board helps. Then you can refer DC to the whiteboard and remind them. We also have pictures of it so it can be consulted when out of the house. To begin with it included photographs. We used actual photographs rather than stock photos or symbols.

How are DS’s wider anxiety levels? Constantly covering the same questions is often an anxiety response.

The misunderstandings of words/phrases are still an issue for us. SALT helps but doesn’t remove the issues. It still results in meltdowns.

Thank you for your response, I have printed off a timetable for “summer” and going to fill it in with him and allow him to tick days off and choose activities hoping that will ease some of the “itch in his brain”

He does have some speech delay, stutter, miss pronouncing, extends his words, and can get stuck repeating the same sentence, I actually got a call today for his next block of therapy luckily.

I didn’t think of it as anxiety as these are things he decides he wants to do rather than being anxious about something I have planned.

I’ve recently been in touch with health visitors because of his behaviour and I didn’t know his pre school had seen the same things so they have also put together a report for them. Hoping I can get some guidance and maybe classes to help with whatever is happening x

Anxiety isn't just about being worried about things you have planned rather than what they want to do.
You'll find having the visual timetable much easier because they can visualise when rather than the verbal and keep checking if they need to. My son who has learning disabilities and is 8 will check his timetable constantly as will my highly intelligent 10 year old girl. It keeps them both calm knowing what to expect and when. It also helps my sanity not being constantly asked.

I think in addition to using a timetable ( as suggested by a PP) or basic symbols on a calendar eg baby on a day when you know you can visit, I’d also reduce your language.

At 4 he doesn’t need to know about the cost of a holiday for example. It’s better to use simple terms as you said like no holiday or no Greece.
You can inadvertently feed anxiety by providing too much verbal feedback or overloading him. Distraction can work.

You could give him some control by offering basic choices for trips out eg park or swimming if he can manage this. It’s also a good idea to use a surprise symbol to indicate that we don’t always know or can’t control what’s happening. Obviously wait til he’s older if you think it would cause more anxiety.

Anxiety can still play a role even if DS wants to do the activity. It may be anxiety around the activity itself or it might be all the related indirect things around the activity or it might be wider anxiety around something unrelated that fills his cup and means the smallest thing is the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

Is DS starting school in September?

I don't have any specific tips but I just wanted to send solidarity as my child is rather like this.

With her, the amount of obsession seems to be a function of how much emotion she's feeling about something. If she's really keen to do something or really enjoyed it last time, we get the endless questions and discussions.

We booked a trip to Tenerife to celebrate her 13th birthday (a regular holiday but because her birthday falls during the Christmas school holidays it was then).

OMG the endless endless discussions and despite her being an intelligent girl, she obviously hadn't really understood that we wouldn't be bringing lots of presents along as a) the holiday was the present and b) practical reasons.

She had a complete meltdown the day we got there but was OK after that.

Sometimes the only way through is, well, through.

If DS loves pools though, get some stickers of swimming pools and put them on the calendar every time you are in a position to go? DD has always adored swimming pools too!

The other thing you could do to stay sane is kind of gamify it a bit and make a bingo card that you keep somewhere discreet?

Thank you I don’t know much about anxiety if I’m honest, my 12 yo DD has autism and I have dealt with a number of different situations and maybe adjusted to how she is over the years and this is new to me, her fixations were hobby related and made her calm. This is a new level for me, just trying to understand how best to help with his “itch on the brain”

I think that’s the tricky part he is highly intelligent for a 4 yo even the pre school said in their report he will some times listen when the reasoning is justified in his mind, I find a lot of things I can explain in detail and he totally understands and eases some of his stress, others it’s as though he completely ignores what I have said (unintentionally) we have a pool at home he goes in daily, his dad even looked at some uk holidays to book.

I feel he would be disappointed as it’s not the same place he remembers if that makes sense.

thank you for helping know I’m not alone 😂 I have 4 children and this is really not something I have experienced. The only way I can describe is similar to Sheldon from big bang theory having his schedule and ideas disrupted, my son even has a spot on the sofa and if someone is sitting in it when he walks in he will wander in circles struggling on what to do 🥺