Is my autistic son's behaviour typical, and how can I help?

[Mummyof2asd]

Hi, just after some advice please.
My son is autistic, nearly 10, and attends a SEN school. He’s verbal.
The problem I’m having is that he has no manners. He definitely hasn’t been brought up like that, but for example, if someone asks him if he’d like a drink in a restaurant, he’ll say, “No, I don’t like that.” Or if my brother takes him out for the day, he’ll say, “This is rubbish.” I find it really embarrassing when we’re out because I’m very big on manners and being polite.
He also hits other children at school if he doesn’t win a game. If they laugh at him because he lost, he’ll lash out. He can be a lovely boy, but I’m worried about what will happen as he gets older. I’m scared he’ll end up getting into trouble if he hits the wrong person. I want to help him now and nip it in the bud, but I honestly don’t know how.
Another issue is that he always has to be first. For example, if his sister gets in the car before him, he’ll have a screaming meltdown. It often feels like his behaviour controls our whole day because everything depends on whether he’s calm or not, and I’m really struggling.
Is this typical of autism, or is it just rude behaviour? I’d really appreciate any advice from parents who have experienced something similar.

Some children with autism can appear rude and abrupt. They can say what is in their head with little or no consideration or awareness of how the other person might react or feel.
Others may appear overly formal or polite frequently saying excuse me before speaking or using sorry a lot.

It’s good that he attends special school and staff will be working on social skills in a range of settings and situations. This does not mean that he can transfer these skills to home or when you are out and about.

I’m sure staff can give you some strategies such as a social story or visual prompts.
You can help in real life situations by saying “ you could say….” and model an appropriate response e.g. no thankyou
When younger children with autism are acquiring language please and thank you aren’t insisted on as they aren’t functional language.

Being first and struggling with not winning or making mistakes are really common difficulties. Again school staff will be working on these but his reactions may not be as extreme in school. You can try rotas for the car, turn taking visuals, timers and social stories.

He needs to develop emotional regulation and strategies for when he doesn’t win or has to wait. These can include clenched and unclenched fists by his side, counting to ten in his head, controlled breathing or simply walking away.
The Incredible Five Point Scale resources are helpful. School or the library should be able to recommend some books to help.

It’s good that you are looking for solutions and strategies. Certainly something you can raise at his next Annual Review or Parents Evening.
You are right to think of the future as a 10 year old is much easier to manage than an older teen.

@24Dogcuddler thanks so much that’s very useful advice :)

Autism affects social communication and interaction. What support does DS receive? Has he had a SALT assessment and does he have ongoing SALT support?

Emotional regulation can also be a problem for some. Is DS receiving any support for this? What about an OT assessment and OT ongoing input? It also sounds like there may be an element of some people triggering DS to get a certain reaction, e.g. laughing at DS losing.

You might find the Explosive Child book helpful.

@scoopofmintchocchipicecream thank you, I don’t think he gets as much support as he should, salt input is on his EHCP but I do not think it’s being followed. He had SALT assessment but that was when he was in mainstream couple of years ago. I think the children in school wind him up as they know he will react and then get in trouble. I will read that book, thank you

When you say you don’t think DS gets as much support as he should, do you mean he doesn’t get the provision that is detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP or do you mean the EHCP doesn’t include all the support he needs?

Is the SALT detailed, specified and quantified in F of the EHCP?

Speak to the school about other pupils winding DS up. They should be dealing with that. It might not be a quick solution. Some DC with SEN trigger others to get a reaction because of their SEN rather than linked to normal naughty behaviour IYSWIM, so the solution might not be the same as it would be between two DC without SEN and it might not be as simple, but the school should be doing something to address it.