Good as Gold at school, Anger at home

[CCW14]

We had DS 6 assessed last year, and whilst we were told that she could see why we were referred for assessment, and that DS showed signs of Asperger’s, she said a diagnosis or a piece of paper wouldn’t change anything as DS was doing well but it may worsen as he got older

DS is smart and gentle, loves to learn and follow rules. I constantly get told what gem he is, and how great he is. And I see that at times, but recently when he gets home from school, the smallest thing can set him off. He has always struggled with controlling his emotions and we try to help but it seems to occur more and more often. Whether he is told not to do something because it might be dangerous, or he is building Lego and something falls, he takes it as a personal thing on him and gets frustrated. Often these frustrations get worse and he starts throwing toys or ripping things. He is small now, but I’m worried if this continues the things he throws will get bigger and what he does will get worse

It’s like he is always trying to be perfect and HATES it if something isn’t right. If he gets told off he says he can never do anything right. If he draws/writes something wrong then he will say he is so stupid. DH and I are constantly saying no one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes and it helps us learn but it’s like he has set the bar so high for himself it doesn’t matter what we say

Once a full meltdown has occurred, it’s like it never happened and he is back to be calm and quiet.

Sorry for the long post, I feel like my patience is getting pulled very thin

Asperger’s isn’t clinically diagnosed now it goes under the ASD umbrella.
Im really surprised she said a diagnosis or piece of paper wouldn’t change anything?
granted the support is there regardless but it does open afew more doors for help and it’s really helped my child understand himself.

The anger at home after school could be from masking all day, the come down after a busy noisy day, it’s like a release.

my son sounds like yours and is very literal. And takes pride in everything being right and done the right way. Of course this can’t always be the case.
it’s also a sense of control aswell.

its hard, no days are the same.

Appearing to be ‘fine’ at school and exploding at home is called the coke bottle effect or after-school restraint collapse. It signifies unmet needs at school. If school life was easier, home life would improve too.

Have you spoken to the SENCO? What support is the school providing?

I would request a referral to a paed &/or for a second opinion ASD assessment. A diagnosis won’t change who DS is, but personally, I think diagnosis is important.

Has DS had a sensory OT assessment?

Some people find the books The Explosive Child and the Out of Sync Child helpful. Some find low demand and non-violent resistance resources useful. You might also find it helpful to look up rejection sensitive dysphoria.

I think she had said that an official diagnosis wouldn't change anything because at that point, she said 'he has the superpowers of being on the spectrum, but not currently the negatives'. He likes routine, and patterns, and a thirst for knowledge, but because he was able to deal with unpredictability and change without too much distress, she said that we seemed to be helping him manage just fine.

School have not said anything. Because he loves learning and has a great memory, he is well above average in his class, and often tells me school is easy. He loves being praised, which is maybe why he enjoys school so much, because everything comes so easy to him.

I've looked into the Explosive Child so I will start reading that soon - Thanks!

Personally, I think that HCP’s attitude was dire. I hate the superpower rhetoric.

Yeah I agree with @scoopofmintchocchipicecreamthe super power thing makes me cringe. She doesn’t sound the best tbh.

does he require any support at school?

Request a meeting with the SENCO. The school should be providing support.

No issues at school. He is bright and calm and well mannered at school. And in all reality, I'm not sure the school would be able to do much since he is so well behaved at school, and there are already several children in his class that require much more attention from the SEN staff

The coke bottle effect signifies unmet needs at school. The school should be providing support. Not least because they should be supporting emotional regulation. Other DC also requiring support doesn’t change that.