My life is absolutely miserable, and my child (ASD & PDA) will drive me to suicide, or he will have to go into care.

[13MAPARTHELL]

Autism & PDA - HELP MEEEEE 😭😭😭

My child is just AWFUL

The behaviours are ridiculous, he is just disgusting the way he speaks to us and everyone around him, there are 0 boundaries in place, because there simply cant be. Its extreme 100% of the time, he will not accept NO under any circumstances, hes only nice when he gets exactly what he wants when he wants it, everytime we speak he says ‘shut your fucking mouth’

He tells people he will murder their families while they sleep

He hurts animals (kicks, punches, throws things at them)

Hes 5, but it gets worse as he gets older.

He steals from us constantly & breaks EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING of his and anyone else

He speaks perfectly well, too well - and if im honest he is like a little psychopath yes i know its not his fault, and I do love him and show him this everyday BUT I AM AT MY TETHER

He cannot tolerate people in general, and if im honest I cannot tolerate him.

nothing we do will stop his violence, otherwise he would be in his room 24/7, as it is almost every single interaction particularly with his brother. Who is terrified of him. I fucking despise him at this point, i feel full of resentment, i love him so much, but he does target people. If he doesn’t get what he wants he will ensure he fucks your whole day, nobody is allowed birthdays etc, it is truly him and only him at all times that matters, everyone else can die for all he cares.

i get to the point where I smack his hand everytime he tells me im fucking disgusting and to shut the fuck up, and he wont stop he will keep going and going, he has no care.

i honestly feel he will kill someone, hes a psychopath and nobody in LA are helping me! He needs urgent meds sen

This sounds incredibly challenging. How does he get on at school? Have you spoken to the SENCo? You say the LA won’t help. Have you tried calling CADS or Early Help to say you’re really struggling? I really feel for you and hope you have family and friends supporting you.

How does he cope at school OP? What do they say about him? He's only 5 but that sounds terrifying. Sounds more ODD than PDA perhaps?

Yes so the school report threats often, to kill, he will tell kids there mums are ugly and he will kill their baby siblings in their sleep. He tried to push a little girl into a river recently, but he is ok at school, very behind academically, they are all catholic and see the best in everything and just do not understand him or the context if that makes sense? We have been with early help twice, 2 different workers a year apart - he is so agressive that they cannot actually speak to him at all! Both have sent reports to confirm this, we are awaiting CAHMS, i emailed SS recently too. Its like on your way then…. My child is dangerous!

When you say you emailed SS recently, was that to request social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the children with disabilities team for DS. How recently is recent?

Has DS had a home OT assessment to look at making the house safer and better meet DS’s needs?

Has DS had a sensory OT assessment?

It will be difficult for DS but if you genuinely don’t think you can keep DS and others safe, go to A&E. Do you have access to a crisis line?

Does DS have an EHCP? Is he is special school?

Have you looked at non-violent resistance? If you haven’t already, it might also help you to read the Declarative Language Handbook.

Is DS’s brother older or younger? Do they share a bedroom?

At 5 he has defo heard that language from someone is it his brother / dad or who is he hanging out with to hear all the swearing as that needs to stop.

Pda is an absoute killer and 5 is a very difficult age. Honestly, worship those hours he is in school as one day he might not have any school to go to and then you are 24/7 carer (got the t shirt myself).

How you are describing your child personally I’d look at residential schools.

Which county you in? An EHCP? You need to apply for one yourself via Ipsea website if you don’t - today!

I wouldn’t have much hope for cahms. If you have cash I’d go private - it takes a lot to get anywhere with cahms plus wait lists and you might only get a nurse prescriber.

It’s really hard hang in there

@13MAPARTHELL

I hope that other posters will see your post and advise, OP.

It might be seen more on a weekday.

I feel for you; what a terrible situation.

Coming back to comment later with suggestions.

Hang in there. 5 year olds with PDA are tough.

Hi OP, I was in despair myself which peaked around ages 5-8 (my DC wasn't diagnosed AuDHD until age 7 and there was no support just reports, although we did get some medication for sleep).

Things that helped:

A book by Jeffrey Bernstein called 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (I also found Eddie Gallagher's Who's in Charge useful when she was older).
Play therapy.
NVR counselling to get me and DH on the same page. We used New Leaf NVR. There are lots of resources online: look up Yvonne Newbold.
A charity called Capa First Response. They have free online seminars.
We also had to do a lot of divide and rule, taking turns so we both get a break. If you have a partner, focus on one child each as much as possible. We have only got one child but the charity Sibs may be helpful.
Practical things: work out what the main triggers for behaviour are: hungry, tired, sensory stuff (over or under stimulated, weather, emotions, uncomfortable clothing, needing more exercise, lighting, sound?)
How is he with school? Does he mask all day and "explode" on exit.

We had to lock ourselves into rooms at times when she was really going for one of us. We had to lock a lot of stuff away and limit car journeys as much as possible.

DD finds water regulating. We did a lot of swimming and long baths. She also likes bouncing on a trampoline.

Have you started the EHCP process?

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

My daughter also really struggles with other people's events like birthdays and even her own sometimes. She just can't handle excitement or countdowns. The PDA Society have a useful download on this.

I know it's hard to believe when someone's attacking you (DD was an awful shin kicker and spitter in food) but your little lad is struggling with life, not a psychopath. Things will get better with age, strategies and understanding what the triggers are.

DD is also very articulate. The suggestion of the Declarative Language handbook is good. The way you say things is important.

One final thing: if extended family are butting in, ignore them unless they're actually doing something helpful/practical. You need to find your way of managing however eccentric it might seem to others.

I'm so sorry OP what an awful situation. He sounds incredibly difficult and it's no wonder you're finding it hard to tolerate him. You're only human, his behaviour is horrifying and you're bound to feel that way dealing with it day in day out with no support. It's not fair that you've been left without any help especially when your other child is living in fear of him. I've heard a few other people say they literally had to drop their child off at the social services office and refuse to come and get them, or refuse to come and get them from school, and that was the only way they could finally get social services to actually bother to do anything for them. In one case they apparently then ended up offering a package of respite care and in the other agreed to take the child into a residential placement (at the parents request). I don't know if that's something you'd consider. I hope things get better for you all soon. X