I’m sick of this life

[QuickAquaSnake]

Please don’t judge me I love my child more than anything. but it’s just so incredibly hard. I’m so sick of this life. Most days I feel why my child why me.
my child is 5 has profound autism is non verbal and is very violent. Tried all the therapy’s/ medication for sleep but nothing seems to help.
she screams and hurts herself and me at least once a day. I try not to compare but seeing all the fb posts of friends/ other moms I know with nt children this week doing lovely activities taking their daughters to a coffee shop / the park/ cinema nails had just agonised me. I can barely take my daughter down the road. I’m absolutely devastated by her diagnosis for her and for me. I thought I’d accepted it even before her diagnosis and everyone told me I’m the strong one I’m an amazing mother but inside I don’t feel this way. I feel I would of been a wonderful mother to a neurotypical child but my daughter is just so much hard work I never get to sit down, can’t go out anywhere, can’t leave her with anyone as she’s extremely clingy to me/ no respite no socialising no holidays as she can’t cope. I had ivf after being told I was infertile and it took a long 10 years to have a baby and I love her with all of my heart and just want her to be happy but I have horrible thoughts of what did I do to deserve such hardship in my life with everything. Watching my child be violent and struggle with almost everything everyday is just the worst it just breaks me. When she’s happy she’s a wonderful child but it’s rare. All she ever seems to want to do is walk up and down the garden in the same route for hours.
I tried taking her to her cousins party last week who is also autistic and mostly sen kids their but she was the only child who wouldn’t go in and screamed and pulled my hair to go home ( which I did take her I won’t force her ) I tried communication cards before hand and showing her where we were going and what to expect and she was excited but it was no go when we got their. It’s just awful my child not enjoying being a child basically. I want to stop feeling like this and do the best for her but it just seems impossible in running on hardly any sleep aswell and finding myself just wanting to run away from everything. Does it ever get any easier

I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. It sounds tough. Are you a single parent?
What support do you have in place if any? Special school, SALT, OT Paediatrician?
Sounds like you are aware of strategies and medication etc.

If she goes to school then she can be away from you and you could look into Direct payments even if someone comes to the house. Some LAs run SEN or inclusive play schemes in the holidays. Look on your SEN local Offer.

I know it’s hard but if you are constantly looking at what life could be like with a typically developing child you aren’t going to feel content. I know it’s understandable.
You are and can continue to be a good Mum you just need to have realistic expectations for where she is developmentally right now.

If walking up and down in the garden makes her happy and helps her to regulate then that’s OK. You could look at adding in aspects such as streamers for her to hold, circle etc maybe a bubble machine. Trial and error. Meanwhile can you either join her for a bit and copy ( Intensive interaction) or take time to sit and observe or even rest!

Has she had a sensory integration assessment from a specialist OT? Sensory activities or therapy can have a huge impact. Look at the book The Out of Synch Child has fun. Lots of low cost sensory activities you can do at home.

Have you had any post diagnostic support? The NAS EarlyBird Plus course for parents is so helpful and a great way to meet other parents.

Be kind to yourself and things may well improve if you can try to take the pressure off yourself.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this. Some parents find counselling &/or antidepressants help. Not because they will magically fix how hard it is and not because you are wrong for feeling how you do, but to help them cope.

When you say you have tried everything for sleep, have you tried medications only specialists can prescribe that are beyond the usual melatonin, antihistamines, etc. and has DD seen a specialist sleep clinic (not your local secondary care service but a more specialist service)?

I would request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the children with disabilities team for DD. Not to jump in and leave DD with any old person, but to start to build a relationship with someone else or more than one person. They can be the second (and third if necessary) adult with you there as well to begin with.

Do you have an SN buggy or wheelchair for DD?