Giving everything up for SEN

[elmtreeyellow]

Has anyone given everything up due to child's SEN?

DS is not coping at all in school. We have s19 alternative provision each morning off site but cant get him into school for the afternoons.

Its heartbreaking the tears, lashing out, hurting me, hurting himself daily to avoid going. The schoolsay i need to leave work midday most days to assist getting him into school after the AP ends as they cant spare any staff.

I'm a single mum, dad isn't around. We get DLA but my home is mortgaged so no other benefits.

I need to work full time to pay bills but im seriously considering if it is even worth it.

Has anyone had to give up work, possibly sell their home and seriously consider benefits and housing association property to survive SEN and the impact of mainstream school unable to meet his needs.

We are due the EHCP plan, right at the final stages now, but all SEMH schools are full. His current school have said in their experience they will be named even though they cant meet his needs.

My job is my dream job, a career I've built up but am I being selfish to think of me and my needs, when DSs are so much greater.

@elmtreeyellow

How old is he, OP?

He is 7. School has been hell since starting Reception. It feels never-ending.

Unfortunately, parents, especially mothers, of disabled DC are more likely to not work.

I had to give up my career. For many years, I couldn’t work at all but now I work very part time TTO.

Have you requested more s19 provision instead of school in the afternoon?

When you say the school are saying you need to assist getting DS into school, do you mean collect from the AP and take to school or do you mean DS is being taken back to school but the school is requesting you help with getting DS into the building?

Are the SEMH schools wholly independent? If not, on its own being full is not enough of a reason to refuse to name them if one of them is your preference. Have you looked at all schools within travelling distance, including independent and out of area schools? The maximum recommended travel time for primary is 45 mins, although many travel further. Alternatively, if it is inappropriate for provision to be made in a school, there is EOTAS/EOTIS. If you have to appeal the EHCP and DS is not in school full time, you can request an expedited hearing. Still a wait, but not quite as long. Is the LA sticking to the EHCP timescales? What week are you on?

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS.

Are you getting the right DLA award?

Have you definitely checked if you are eligible for other benefits? Some with mortgages are still eligible. The income threshold for UC is higher than many think when there is a disabled child. Are you receiving child benefit? Have you checked your council tax? To make sure you are receiving the single person discount and to check if you could get council tax benefit/reduction/support. You may not be eligible for the latter given your earnings, but you will be eligible for the former regardless of earnings if there is just you and DS in the house.

Are you sure you're required to go at school's request? Is it not their legal responsibility? And if they can't meet it within their existing resources, they should seek support from the council, not you? I know schools can't force parents to function as they child's TA, even though many demand this.

It's not selfish to want to hold on to your career. It is important for your sanity and financial stability, both of which are also instrumental to your son's welfare.

Thankyou all. There has been some progress today, the LA are going to provide more AP at 2:1 to see if this helps.

I feel like I sound so selfish putting my job before my child, im not doing, it feels like its the only part of me that's left, and I know how bad that sounds.

Others have it worse, he is my priority, I just hate that the only way to support him is to give up everything and home school.

I really think you're not viewing the choice right. It's not your son or your job. Long-term, he is better off in school - and once you home-school, the LA will stop doing anything - and your family is better off if you are sane and have an income. You're going through a very difficult period - it is not relevant that "others have it worse." Cut yourself some slack! Think long-term. Check your rights and responsibilities vs what school is asking of you.

Thankyou.

It does feel that is the choice, but that im being pressured with demands from the school that make it impossible to be available as required, and keep a job.

I want to do what the school ask as they say they cant help more. I feel like I need to agree incase they exclude him

You shouldn’t feel guilty. Carer burnout is real and debilitating. You can’t care for DS if you reach that point.

Plus, EHE would mean you relieve the LA of their duty to provide education, and, bluntly, at the moment, you are someone’s problem. Whereas if you EHE, it is easier for others to sweep DS’s needs under the carpet. The LA would have less incentive to finalise an EHCP with all the support required and a suitable setting (or with section I blank for EOTAS/EOTIS if school is not appropriate.)

Try not to worry about the school suspending. A formal suspension rather than an unlawful informal exclusion will a) provide you with evidence of unmet needs, b) force the school to follow due process, c) limit the number of days the school can suspend for, d) allow you to challenge any suspension, and e) although DS is already receiving AP, in case it is removed, also protects the right to AP once he has reached that threshold.

Thankyou, I appreciate this feedback.

It is the guilt I feel sending him in knowing how much he struggles. I think the school play on that as I do what they ask as much as I can as quick as I can.

Im.alnost at burn out. I requested a needs assessment from social care but the girl allocated was newly qualified and from the front line team so I cancelled as she clearly didn't get what I was requesting. There's no safeguarding needs, I just wanted to discuss direct payments and personal assistants. She was useless.

Request social care assessments again. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment of DS’s needs via the children with disabilities team. Use the model letters on Contact’s website. If refused assessment or given assessment by refused support, challenge the decision.

By saying they can't help more, they are manipulating you into providing the care the LA has a legal obligation to provide. Please don't quit you job. It's so hard, but you need to getvthe system to give you the support you're entitled to.

They won't refer me to the cwd team, they put a duty & assessment worker on it. That isnt her area, I already know more than she did. I cancelled as I had no faith in her to do a good job. That's the team that deal with risks to children, I just wanted support from a specialist team but they won't accept the referral.

Any indications of what the future situation is likely to be. Would it help to make a short term and a long term plan? Try not to make a decision when your are at a low point.

Could your son cope through school with assistance?

Is he likely to be independent or need residential care?

Complain. If that doesn’t work, you can ask for an independent review (not so independent but part of the process) then complain to the LGO. Depending on specifics, JR may be possible.

If you have to appeal the education side of things related to an EHCP, you can ask SENDIST to also look at social care provision, getting an independent social worker assessment if necessary (if you can’t afford independent assessments and aren’t eligible for legal aid look at charity funding). And some social care provision is actually special educational provision so should be in F of an EHCP.

Don't give up your job unless you absolutely have to.

Poverty makes everything more difficult.

Write a sign and stick it somewhere prominent to remind you: "My child has a right to a suitable education." You do not have to do the school's job for them and actually it's masking the level of difficulty.

Become familiar with the rules around exclusion. They can't just ask you to help get him in/collect early/put up with a part time timetable other than temporarily.