12 year old PDA DD is mean and bullies her 5 year old sister...

[Teainapinkcup]

Just that really, I am well aware that PDA is not pure "meanness" I did the training course and am very accommodating ,but it is mean to a neurotypical brain and her little sister is really affected by this. She is always trying to talk and play with her big sister.

What do I do? When I eventually get so fed up of it that I have to tell her off, she goes into "I hate myself " mode and" it would be better if I was not here" mode.

Her mental health is so bad , and I feel like I live in a mental care home.... she is that bad with mindset and just can not do much of anything. It is very heartbreaking to watch. I cry a lot for her.

I do not even think about therapy as she will not co operate. She is very difficult, if not impossible, to reason with.

I even need to make sure she drinks water, and I have to feed her her vitamins by hand as she is so germ phobic ... she also eats off the side of a plate so she doesn't need to touch her food if its sandwich or something dry like crisps, her fav things...

At home she just either sits in her room, or comes down to the family and moans and causes issues. She also has ARFID so melts down in the supermarket or at meal times a lot.

The 5 year old sees it all, the 5 year old is also autistic but more ADHD. My dh is autistic, did not know before we had kids.... Thought he was just a big quite kind guy. Which he is... but its due to neurodiversity.

I give her an extremely low demand lifestyle she isn't even at school we home ed. Which is like getting blood out of a stone but she just does not function well.

Pretty sure she also has that hormone issue where for the weeks before a period she is way worse.

Help please? Anyone?

I feel so out of depth with being at home 12 hours a day on my own (no support for us) mon to fri with them. They do not function well outside as the 5 year old will not go anywhere due to her extreme dog anxiety and dogs are everywhere round here and I do not drive...

This sounds horrible. I can relate, my eldest is exactly like this with his 6 year old little brother.

Is your eldest diagnosed with ADHD as well? I’m wondering if medication might help. Or a low dose of anti anxiety medication. I know with my eldest when he is being aggravating and unkind it’s generally because he is anxious about something and that is how it presents.

I would also get her into school. It’s too much for you all to have her home all day. You get no break to regulate yourself. It must be absolutely exhausting x

It really is so very exhausting mentally and physically. She tried school 3 times, could not cope sadly. I love her to bits and know that she could thrive with home ed but she seems shut down totally. Burnout perhaps ...

Her friend is coming tomorrow, we meet up once or twice a month so thought that cheer her up :( I honestly try everything that I can.

No ADHD diagnosed, but may have traits but we had her diagnosed privately so the ADHD was an extra add on cost that we couldn't afford at the time. They diagnosed the PDA profile of autism which I had not heard of before.

Many NT 12 year olds would not want to always talk and play with their 5y/o sibling. Some wouldn’t want to at all/rarely. I would try to redirect DD2.

If DD struggles with going to the shops, I would avoid doing it. I have 3 teen DSs with additional needs; we don’t take any of them into shops because they don't cope with that.

If DD struggles with meal times, would eating slightly away from the family help or at a different time? Would wearing ear defenders or noise cancelling headphones/earphones at mealtimes help? Has DD been referred to a specialist ARFID team?

If you haven’t already read it, some people find the Declarative Language handbook useful. I know you said you went on a course, but how much did it cover equalising behaviour? If not much, I would look up that. Also, rejection sensitive dysphoria. Some find non-violent resistance resources helpful.

If DD can’t cope with direct therapy, have you thought about indirect provision?

For the mood related to hormones, some women find taking the pill helps. Some take antidepressants to help with PMDD (is that would you mean?).

Have you had social care assessments? A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment by the children with disabilities team for DC.

Is DD2 receiving any mental health support? Can you afford taxis sometimes?

If there came a point where you didn’t want to EHE but DD can’t cope with school., there are other options.

It is so tough and with home ed in the mix it sounds like you all have very little respite. I'd focus on looking for supports for yourself as well as younger daughter in the first instance - speaking to her school and GP etc. You can also try contacting local Early Help for support.

Take care OP.